A Very Millennial Christmas

A Very Millennial Christmas

Another year has come and gone, so inevitably the crushing realization that you are now one year older and therefore more of a failure gains a literary foil of time-off, family, decorations on everything, and general merriment. But we can always be cheered up by consumerism, sweet, sweet alcohol and cherished holiday traditions.

Everyone has their favorite holiday traditions, and as we are all eclectic and original millennials, each and every one of us is already forcing a whiskeydick idea onto ourselves and those close to us in the name of new traditions. Do they make sense? Probably not. Do they have anything to do with the immaculate birth of the one true prophet and Son of God? No, but neither does anything else we’re doing around now. Does grandma want to wear a fake mustache for your hipster family picture? Just wait until she falls asleep.

Compiled below is a list (fuck yeah, lists!) of the hottest new holiday trends preferred by millennials. Unfortunately, I don’t have much information regarding geography, so you’ll have to wait until next year to find out the best Christmas town for millennials. Just kidding, it’s Nevada City, California. That place is the BEST!

1. Ugly Sweater Parties!
There really is no better way to look better than to show up at a party where your better looking friends are wearing some thrift shop garbage and you wear a patterned and ironic sweater that fits you just right because you ordered it back in the summer for this very purpose. Sure, they probably paid four percent for their getup, but the return on investment of those Instagram pics is infinite.

2. Work-Related Holiday Parties!
You see these people every single day of the year, so obviously you get along with them and want to spend time after hours with them right? Of course not. That’s why everyone’s gonna get shithoused on the company dime. Then of course your boss grabs you by the arm to go out onto the balcony and he pulls out a sack of cocaine, and obviously you’re going to do some because your annual review is next week and you don’t want to be rude since he offered and then obviously you’re going to tell the cops it was you who threw those potted plants into the street because you’re a team player.

3. Charity Work
This is the season of giving, and as an altruistic and self-involved millennial you totally forgot to give for the last 50 weeks of the year. Therefore, you’ll volunteer at a soup kitchen or to hand out gifts at a homeless shelter. This will make you feel better about yourself and is the perfect opportunity to score more points with your boss, because lots of addicts hang out at these places and your boss could use some low key buyers to score a little more scratch so he can make alimony this month.

4. Tag Your Mom in Facebook Pictures

Fake Internet points are the only thing you have going for you at this point, so you know your extended family, your mom’s friend Brenda and a couple of others will throw you more likes than usual that will help out the score and bring you that false sense of pride you yearn for. “Precious family!” they’ll exclaim. Later that night, you’ll remember that Brenda came to your baseball games a couple times even though her kids were still in elementary school, and then you’ll remember the boners you got because Brenda was a tad more touchy-feely with you than normal moms. You’ll wake up to the horrifying realization that you poked her, only to realize that she sent you a message with her phone number. Then you will have sex with Brenda.

5. Making Homemade Eggnog
Millennials love drinking White Russians for some ungodly reason, and they also love themed specialty drinks like eggnog. After a failed attempt to make your own (apparently there’s more to it than Frostys from Wendy’s and Old Charter) you’ll have to supply the party. Usually it’s a three-man operation. You’ll need a lookout on the corner and a greaseman to get into the skylight. A pully system is the most efficient way to get the bottles up to the roof, but make sure your greaseman doesn’t get distracted by the cash register, Patron or other shiny bottles. You need premade nog, high end brown liquor, maybe a case of Veuve and then you’re OUT because that silent alarm got tripped and you’ve got three minutes max before a squad car gets dispatched over. Holler for the lookout to start up the engine, load the booty up and get gone. Toss the black turtlenecks in a sewer no less than a mile away and change into your ugly sweaters.

6. Shoot the Christmas Goose
Nothing says Christmas like shivering in a bed of frozen goose shit while you wait for a flock of geese to try and land next to the decoys you set. Once you have shot it, defeather it and place feathers on your face to be Santa. Clean out entrails and throw them into a tree for tinsel. Rub blood on your little brother’s face, because it’s his turn to be Rudolph this year.

7. Fight Your Older Sibling
He used to bully you all the time. Your parents always liked him more. He always gets the best presents and gets to hang the first ornament on the tree and he sits next to your dad at the table during the family dinner. But you know what? He’s gotten fat since he had that second kid and made partner at the law firm. You on the other hand, you’re in your prime! And by prime I mean you’ve been doing snorting blow and doing pushups with your boss for like 18 hours straight at this point, so it’s GO TIME.

So like all millennials, let’s gather around a roaring fire, with Die Hard on the TV and our snowman scarves soaked in blood and revel in yet another glorious holiday season. God bless us, every one!

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International sailing champion and friend to most wolves. Except Larry, he knows what he did.

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