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“I got a lot of problems with you people and now you’re gonna hear about it!” – Frank Costanza
Let’s get this out of the way real quick before wedding season sneaks up on us in the next month and a half. As a gigantic fan of wedding season and all the pomp and pageantry that comes with it, I feel the need to set the record straight on a few things.
Bride and bridesmaids stopping the whole goddamn show to do pushups on the dance floor
We now move on to feats of strength. I don’t get this one? Yeah, I know they all did bridal boot camp a total of three times in the six months leading up to the wedding, but what’s this all about? What are you trying to prove? Congratulations. You can do pushups. I’ve been banging out reps in the pump shack with Tony Horton for the last three weeks to squeeze into this tux, so let a real man step in and show you how to swing. Chest to deck, military-style, diamond cutters, dive bombers, you name it. I get to show off my waning athletic prowess no more than five times a year, so let me have this one.
Destination weddings
Look, I’m good with this one now. A few years ago, when I didn’t know how a basic annual budget worked, it might have been a different story. I don’t think you’re an asshole if you decide to book it to Puerto Vallarta for a small ceremony and five days of R & R. In fact, I welcome it. Especially when us and most of our friends can actually afford stuff like this. Well, can you ever truly afford stuff like this? I mean, it’s not like that $1,800 I’m spending on plane, hotel, gift and dope new linen suit could be safely accruing interest in a tax-deferred mutual fund? If I have to retire a month later than I have already planned, it’s your ass. If you’re not dead by then, I’ll kill you myself. Next order of business.
Fake laughing pictures
*rubs hands together*
Oh yeah, now we’re talkin’. I’m already having a good time. You know what would make this not a good time? The $400 an hour photog who thinks she’s shooting the Urban Outfitters fall catalog telling me to act like someone just said something really funny. Hey, lady, my friends and I are hilarious. Did you not see us absolutely wrecking shop at the rehearsal dinner? We’ll laugh when we damn well please. You telling us what to do isn’t “candid.” Read a book just once for me. If you were actually doing your job instead of staging some sort of Men’s Wearhouse stock photo bonanza, you might actually catch us enjoying each other’s company. I just straightened the groom’s tux. I flashed a million dollar smile while making the nervous ring bearer giggle. Those were prime 100+ like cover photo material and you blew it. You should be paying me for all the Instagram gold I’m laying at your feet.
Guest list complainers
I’d like to take a moment to give the bridal party a well deserved breather. Look, I’ve been through enough of these things at this point to tell you that you’ve earned it. Now, let’s all stop complaining about not getting invited to stuff. They didn’t forget you on accident. Sorry you’re a shitty friend, or just straight up not a close enough friend. Haven’t seen them in over a year? Sorry, pour yourself a glass of self pity and longingly watch all those dance floor snap stories. Maybe you should have made more of an effort to go visit them last summer.
Plus ones
This, my friends, is where battle lines are drawn. If I hear one complaint about how your three-month boyfriend didn’t get invited to the wedding, I’m gonna burn down the fantasy world that you and your little boyfriend live in. Welcome to the fucking show. A plus one is serious business. We all know how this one’s gonna end up. You will be sitting on his lap, drunk, weirdly staring at the first dance and sneaking off into a coat closet during the speeches. You’re still in the honeymoon phase and every couple at this blessed event is deep in the cruel game of love. You can bear to stand one night alone without your Tinder bf.
Father-Daughter dances
Easily the sweetest part of the wedding. This tugs at my heartstrings every single time. Just a beautiful moment between a girl and her dad, on what’s sure to be the happiest day of her life. She’s stunning, a woman that this man has raised and taught her everything she needs to know about being a good person. He’s taught her patience, kindness, hard work and humor. She’s the total package. And now you’re going to wreck every single thing I just said by dancing to “I Loved Her First” by Heartland, which is far and away the creepiest song in recorded human history. Here’s a sampling of the lyrics:
“I knew the love of a father runs deep
Look at the two of you, dancing that way
So be careful when you hold my girl
I loved her first”
I’m sorry, you what now? Some serious Donald/Ivanka undertones going on there. Let’s respect the boundaries between dad love and husband love, two entirely and appropriately different types of love. Why don’t we just pump the brakes, Daddy-O? Let’s keep this one light. Maybe some “The Way You Look Tonight” or “What a Wonderful World.” Yeah, that’s good. Let’s not let our minds wander to places we don’t want it to go.
This concludes the airing of grievances. Let’s all have plenty of fun out here this season. Stick to our diets. Keep that body tight. Don’t forget to RSVP on time. .
Respond
Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
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Simply outstanding all the way through. Agree with everything, now let’s get out there and have a great season.
*everyone puts a hand into the middle of the circle*
Monogamy’s a joke on three: 1…2…3
Everyone wants to believe there’s a “one” for them eventually. Until then, sup?
My mom went to a wedding where the maid of honor’s speech included a 45 minute picture slideshow and she almost went home.
I went to a wedding where both the groom and best man gave 45 minute speeches. It was also a cash bar. On NYE. The ceremony was at 12pm, the reception was an hour drive from the church, and they didn’t start serving any food until 5pm. The reception ended at 1am. I have never hated a wedding more.
That paragraph got worse with each sentence good God.
Set that shit up in the back of the room and I’ll give it a glance while walking to the restroom. No need to hold people captive so we can see the two of you together at summer camp and playing on the HS volleyball team.
She chugged several glasses of Prosecco to power through.
Getting married this year. Guest list has been a huge issue. All my cousins are upset that their children aged 1-12 aren’t invited. I don’t have enough space to invite all the friends I want. I am not giving up the ones I was able to squeeze in for 20+ children to run around.
That’s nuts. Our family is pretty big too and all the weddings for cousins has limited it to either 18+ or 21+ for family. Just makes sense.
We were prepared to stand our ground with the “no kids” rule at our wedding and set the cut-off at 13 years+ with immediate family as an exception.
Fast forward to three days before the wedding, I’m redoing the whole seating chart to fit in my in-laws aunt’s grandkids who “absolutely had to come”…
Blows my mind how people feel so entitled when it comes to weddings but I wish you the best of luck and remember it will still be an awesome celebration!
I had to draw out “in-laws aunts grandkids” in a diagram just to wrap my head around how vaguely they’re related to you.
Alternatively, it could be understood as “my sibling’s spouse’s cousin’s kids”, which is still 2 degrees too far away from being worth re-doing seating
Same. Two big families, lots of friends on each side. 300 seats. Sorry everyone but leave the kids at home.
Hey man, not sure if I’m too late here. A move Mrs Riggins and I pulled was to make it obvious how many people were invited. Example: Let’s say you and I are best of friends and I want you and your significant other there; your response card would say “___ of 2 happily accept”. You fill in the blank with a 1 or 2. It’s a little passive aggressive but helped my family get the message that kids are not welcome. Also, it’s asses in seats that you’d rather have for your friends.
via GIPHY
We sent out our invites 2 weeks ago and I’ve already had a few people call me out for no invite once they heard and even worse, a few “friends” complain about the no plus one (small destination wedding). Already plan on sitting them all in the back and making sure their dinner is served cold and soggy
the younger you are, the more complaints will come your way. you’ll see some of the less seasoned friends complain about stuff like that because they have no clue how much money and time goes into planning one.
Thanks for the support, Dave. We are having a live band so I don’t know why anyone would complain about anything.
Also, before you ask, I’m having leftover Chinese for dinner.
I hate weddings that literally everyone in the wedding party gives a speech; 2 guys, 2 girls max.
I have never seen a good bridesmaid speech. Part 2 probably coming post-season. Strength of schedule is out of this world this year.
I don’t want to get you in trouble with your friends / family but a Power Ranking of the BM speeches would be phenomenal.
It’s the largest discrepancy I’ve seen between southern weddings and northern weddings. Unless you’re the father of the bride, you don’t need a mic in your hand at the reception. End of story. Wrap it up at the rehearsal dinner and let everyone celebrate.
We were the first of our friends to get married. Wife and I agreed that this thing needs to be a blast, which meant trimming the fat off the guest list and pissing off some family members and even friends. But it was all worth it because we spent that extra cash on having an open bar and a kickass DJ. Everything else in a wedding can go horribly wrong, but if you have enough alcohol and great music then everyone is going to say that’s the best wedding they’ve ever been to.
Your dad is the lighting fixture king though, funds shouldn’t of been an issue.
We did the same-husbands mom had 7 siblings, all with 3 or 4 kids. There were alot of extended family members they wanted invited that he didn’t even know. They use weddings as family reunions, to which we said “then schedule a damn family reunion”. No regrets.
NO BRIDAL SHOWERS. No engagement photoshoot torture, definitely no collection of cell phones (your wedding is not jail), and no crazy registry. Call me old-fashioned, but a simple wedding with closest friends and family and a few kegs is all I want.
Sup?
100% agree. Please never bitch about the guest list. Trust me, the bride and groom already probably feel shitty about not inviting you, but when they’re looking at 500 people, cuts had to be made.
A college buddy was upset he didn’t get invited to another’s wedding when a lot of our old circle did. Outside of a few group get-together others facilitated over the years, they had talked maybe a handful of times in the 5 years since we graduated. And the friend getting married STILL felt bad about it. Let it go people! Everything will be ok!