A Go-To Guide To Shopping For Your Significant Other This Christmas

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I don’t mean to brag, but I recently just finished my Christmas shopping a couple of days ago. I know, I know, Christmas is basically two weeks away still. Call me an overachiever. Whatever. Granted, the only person I have to buy for is my wife, and I definitely crushed it this year.

As someone who absolutely loathes shopping, I surprise myself at how comfortable I am navigating the warzone of the local mall each and every year. Having been dating and/or married for over 8 years at this point, I know my way around shopping for my counterpart. If you find yourself hopelessly lost at what to buy that special lady in your life this Christmas, follow this guide and you are bound to find something that will temporarily distract her from the fact you aren’t proposing this Christmas.

First, let’s start off with what not to do.

Avoid

1. Clothes/Shoes From ANYWHERE
If you know how certain types of clothes fit her and what size Uggs she wears, congrats. You are better than 98% of the rest of us. Chances are you don’t, so avoid the embarrassment and the giant waste of time that is trying to pick out an article of clothing she would like.

2. Gift Cards
Unless you are going for a small dollar amount to throw into a stocking, this is a cop-out. Don’t be a lame-ass.

3. Williams Sonoma
There are implications that come with something from this store. Tread lightly if you are not already married or in it for the long haul. If you must buy kitchenware, go somewhere else and save a few bucks. The same Instant Pot that these frauds are trying to pawn off on you is $80 less at Bed Bath & Beyond. Trust me, I speak from experience.

4. Wine
You should not give wine to her for Christmas. The odds are she her wine rack is fully stocked in preparation for the holidays, and every single party you’re going to will have plenty of it for her to drink. It’s not that she won’t like it, or that it isn’t a good gift. It’s that this is a minimal effort gift that she has probably gotten at one of the three Yankee Swaps you guys have attended already.

Now that the “Thou Shalt Nots” are out of the way, you’ve got to get some inspiration. I can’t tell you exactly what she’s looking to get, but these seven places are a good place to start looking. They are great to just walk in and let the Christmas spirit grab you firmly by the credit card.

Try

1. Bath & Body Works
Yes, this place is a trap. But yes, she will love you for subjecting yourself to this. There is not a single thing in this store that she won’t enjoy, and boy, do their marketing people know it. “Buy 3, get 3 free!” You may have only wanted to spend $20 bucks on a thing of body butter, but you will most certainly end up shelling out twice that and walking out with a bag full of shit asking yourself “What the hell just happened?”

A word of caution: Don’t invest in just one scent unless you know she will like it. Japanese Cherry Blossom has fooled me more than once.

2. Sephora/Ulta
Look, you are going to feel out of place. You won’t know why you are there or what you are looking at, but in my experience, the workers here are very friendly and are more than happy to take your money. I’d avoid stuff like foundation where you have to match skin color. Eyeliner, nail polish, lipstick, hair product, and all the tools needed to apply the various chemicals to their body are all fair game. The girls working there exist solely to guide dumbasses like you and me through this difficult time. At the end of day, all that matters is that you walk out with something that your significant other will smile at as she unwraps it, even if she exchanges it a few days later because you picked out a wretched color.

3. Target
Low hanging fruit here, but this place is a goldmine for stocking stuffers. It’s slightly more dignified than Walmart and has just as much useless shit lining the shelves. Chapstick, candy, toothpaste, deodorant, K-cups, magazines — you name it. Target is a one-stop shop for all your thoughtless space fillers. Just don’t forget to say “Oh, I got that at Target!” as she opens it. That makes everything better.

4. Massage Envy
No one is going to complain about a massage. With nearly 1200 locations in the U.S., there is bound to be one of these places nearby. This is the one and only time I condone the use of gift cards as Christmas gifts. You don’t know every detail of her schedule, so it is safer to give a gift card than schedule an appointment for her. Treat your lady to a well-deserved spa day to unwind after the holidays because we both know you aren’t going to give her one yourself.

5. Pottery Barn
While she may love Pottery Barn, wallets do not. Lucky for you, money isn’t real during the holidays so spend away! Throw pillows, place settings, coffee tables, you name it. Anything that has the label “Pottery Barn” on it is a show stopper. You just became the MVP. She doesn’t care about how much it cost you. All she cares about is that now she can tell all of her friends when they come over, “Oh that? Yeah, that’s from Pottery Barn, actually.”

6. Yankee Candle
This also seems like low hanging fruit but hear me out. This is more than just a container of wax that may or may not smell pleasant. It is aesthetic. People’s lives revolve around what candle they are burning currently. My wife has fourteen candles in one of our closets because there is not enough time in the year to burn through what we got last Christmas. Go for the 3-wick candle and a few wax melts. You honestly cannot go wrong here.

7. The Internet
Have you ever heard of Amazon? .

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Cush

Mainer born and raised. Boston sports. Miller Lites. Let's get drunk and eat chicken fingers.

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