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The way I see it, there are three types of candles, and just like anything else in this world, there’s a class system. Imagine this ranking as if these candles were aboard the SMS Titanic, but instead of heading to Ellis Island, we’re going straight to your bedside table. Let’s get started.
Votives / Jack Dawson
This first candle right here is steerage, or to put it more politely, third class. If this is in your bedroom, you’d need at least thirty to get through a 22-minute episode of Seinfeld on Hulu. These cheap bastards burn faster than Marlboro 110s, and if you use these for anything more than decoration around your bathtub, you’re either violently poor or hate being cozy. Fuck, I don’t even know if Jack Dawson would use these. Then again, he has access to Rose’s luxury suite, and you know she’s fucking with some other type of shit when it comes to candles.
Yankee Candles / Captain Smith
We move now to the middle class, and Midsummer’s Night is just a straight up safe bet if you don’t know what you’re doing whilst candle browsing. I pretty much exclusively deal in Yankee Candles or the knockoff ones you get at Target. This is the Captain Smith of candles — a candle you can trust, a go-to. Just a reliable ass choice that’ll last hours if you burn it correctly. And don’t start with me about Captain Smith staying in the first class cabins. That guy was a man of the people, look at him.
You cannot go wrong with the Midsummer’s Night scent, although it is October, so if you feel like going for “Pumpkin Butter” or “Apple Crisp”, I’m not going to hate on you.
While you’re perusing, you also need to decide what kind of wick you prefer. Crackle/no crackle is all personal preference, although if I’m getting in bed with a nice book and the “Jazz For Sleep” Spotify station is playing on low volume, I’m gonna need the crackling wick.
Jo Malone / Rose DeWitt Bukater
Last (but certainly not least) we have our first class candle. The Rose. This is Old Money we’re talking about, folks. The crème de la crème. I’m talking about the four-wick Jo Malone Lime Basil & Mandarin Candle. I’ve only had the pleasure of smelling one inside a Bloomingdales once, but these motherfuckers are going to run you a cool $455, so you know they smell delicious.
Do you even know what lime basil and mandarin smells like? Of course not, and unless I start making oil money, I don’t think I’ll ever have one of these. And I don’t want to know how good it smells when it’s lit. There is simply no possible way I could go back to using Yankee Candles after getting my hands on one of these. If you own one of these things, good for you, but don’t tell me about it unless you’re going to let me move into your palace.
I recently bought some new bedsheets from Triple B (that’s Bed, Bath, & Beyond for those of you not in the know) and I thought blowing $150 on sheets was absurd. But then I asked myself this: Can you really put a price on comfort? I said no, and bought the sheets. But after reviewing this candle, I can confidently say that yes, I can and will put a price on comfort, and that price is $455 for a goddamn candle. .