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Alright, folks. I knew last week’s stellar episode, which heavily featured Lil Jon, would be difficult to top. Turns out instead of even making the slightest attempt to rise to occasion, ABC phoned it in like it was the Thursday afternoon of a long weekend and delivered a heap of steaming garbage thoughtfully wrapped in a bow for our weekly entertainment. This week’s two group dates and single one-on-one date were light on content but heavy on producer contrived editing. Let’s break it down:
No Happy Endings Group Date
Chris Harrison makes a brief appearance at the Bachelor mansion to ensure he reaches his contractually mandated five minutes and twenty-seven seconds of screen time during this week’s episode.
“Alright nerds,” Chris greets the dudes, clearly indifferent to each of them and quite possibly drunk. “Three dates this week – two group circle jerks and one normal date. You know the drill at this point. Not all of you are getting dates, so if you get left out, tough titties. If you cry during your interviews about it, you’ll probably get more screen time but everyone in the world will know that you’re a little baby, so roll those dice accordingly. Here’s the first date card, so whoever among you is literate can start rattling off the names.”
With that, His Holiness CH departs the mansion, leaving this week’s first date card behind. It reads, “It’s time to relax,” and is addressed to Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean Blanc and Colton.
In a move teased on last week’s promos, Becca enlisted the help of her former Bachelor castmates and invited them to join her this date. Kendall, Tia, Bekah M, Seinne, and Caroline all meet her at the spa where they giggle over mimosas, talk about how many dudesBecca has made out with (hint: all of them), and start drafting which Becca contestant they hope will join them on Paradise this summer.
“Speaking of Paradise run,“ Becca says slyly. “Tia, I hear that you couldn’t manage to wait to get your talons on one of my men.“
Tia smiles awkwardly. “ Look,“ she replied. “You must be talking about Colton. Yeah, we had a little thing, but it didn’t really go anywhere.“
Becca probed further. “I mean, how did that even happen? Did he, like, think you were going to be the Bachelorette or something?“
“I mean…probably!“ Tia answers, with more than a little shade thrown in. “Everyone thought I was going to be the Bachelorette…“ she whispered under her breath. Seinne nods and gently pats Tia’s knee.
“Fair enough,“ Becca says, rolling her eyes. “If he wanted it to be you, I’ll just send him home and you can have him back.“
It’s around this time that the party bus with the dudes arrive, so Becca and the rest of the girls chug their mimosas and change into their plush robes for the day. Becca meets her men outside and welcome them to the spa.
“Hello boys!” Becca says while waving with both hands like she’s your mom dropping you off at the bus on your first day of kindergarten or something. “Here’s the deal – and you may have guessed it, but we’re having a spa day! Unfortunately, ABC couldn’t afford to hire a masseuse for all of us, so instead of y’all getting to relax, you’re going to pamper my friends and me while we get day drunk.“
The dudes do a great job of pretending to be enthusiastic despite realizing they will likely not be getting hand jobs at the end of this date after all. As they walk inside, Becca whispers to Colton, “I have a special surprise for you!”
Initially Colton seems excited, but once the group rounds the corner and he locks eyes with Tia, he shits his pants just a little bit. The camera cuts to an interview with him, where he stares blankly off in the distance for a few moments before sighing deeply and stating, “Yeah, I’m fucked.”
I’m not going to lie, this date seemed super weird. It was actually more like the introduction to a weird orgy porno than a date – the girls sit around and drink while the dudes give them massages, rub their feet, and paint their nails, all while jockeying for time with Becca. There’s a ton of tension between Colton and Tia. If Colton was a normal human, the move would be to politely say hi to Tia and then avoid her at all costs so as not to give off the impression that you have any lingering interest in her while you’re trying to woo another woman. Colton runs in the opposite direction of this advice and you can see him spending a fair amount of time with her.
Eventually Becca pulls Tia off to the side for a more private conversation.
“Alright bitch,” Becca says. “Let’s do this shit. What’s the deal with Colton?”
“We like dated briefly in January,” Tia explains. “It was really nothing. Things ended when he got cast for the shot. Also, all we ever did was make out…”
“You didn’t fuck him?” Becca asks incredulously. “You even managed to get it in with Arie like four times, two of which were after he sent your ass home!”
“Trust me,” Tia explained. “It wasn’t for lack of trying. You know I was trying to get that NFL child support. I even pulled out my own IUD to prepare. It was horrific, actually…”
“So nothing happened? Like just making out, which is basically just a handshake in Bachelor world,” Becca asked a final time.
“That’s it, I promise!” Tia assured her.
“I love you,” Becca tells Tia as she embraces her, a move designed by the producers to remind everyone that this franchise empowers strong female bonds.
After their conversation, Becca dismisses her friends to prepare for Paradise and takes the rest of the dudes to a cocktail party, as per group date tradition. For the most part, the cocktail party was pretty uneventful, with the exception of two issues.
Throughout the night, the drama between David and Jordan continued. Initially, I was totally Team David, but the more I’ve grown to appreciate Jordan for his entertainment value, the more annoyed I’ve gotten with David. To be honest, at this point I wish the two of them would just make out and get it over with. In addition to their usual verbal banter, David lets it slip to Becca that Jordan was bragging about his 4000 Tinder matches earlier in the evening, and she jokingly calls Jordan out on it.
Jordan immediately gets his panties in a massive twist, which I’m sure happens all the time when your nether regions are totally smooth like a Ken doll and spends the rest of the evening telling Becca that he’s as loyal as a golden retriever when he’s in a relationship while bemoaning David for being a little bitch. I’m kind of with Jordan on this one. Am I Team Jordan now?
Finally, after the entirety of the episode thus far has circled around Colton’s past with Tia, when he sits down to speak with Becca alone, he chimes up before she manages to ask any hard hitting questions.
“I just want you to know that I see a lot of potential here, and I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t interested in you,” Colton tells Becca. Apparently that was enough to cast all of her previous doubts out the window and she climbs him like a tree. He gets the group date rose, and all the other dudes get butthurt.
Sidenote: Can we discuss how Becca forgot Jason’s name and then told him later she had a crush on him and jumped his bones? Da fuq?
One-on-One Date with Chris
You know how watching Becca and Blake smash shit while Lil Jon performed live for them was basically the coolest thing that’s ever been on The Bachelorette? Becca and Chris’s one-on-one date took that idea and ran in the complete opposite direction.
Becca picks Chris up in a limo and the couple heads to Capitol Records for their date, where they are met by Grammy award winning singer and songwriter Richard Marx, whose existence I, like most of America, had completely forgotten. Becca asks him to sing Right Here Waiting for them and he begrudgingly complies. She sits on the piano bench alongside him and joins in as he reaches the chorus. Fun fact – her voice is terrible. If it weren’t for his recent and excessive Botox injections, Richard’s face would betray his feelings about her ruining his moment; however, it was only his eyes that were able to express his true sorrow for agreeing to this gig.
Richard tells the couple that their task for their date will to be to write their own love song and sends them to write lyrics from their hearts separately, then come together (lol) and combine them. That’s some of the dumbest shit I’ve heard in a long time. If I were Chris, I’d be pissed. However, instead of being pissed, Chris has a panic attack. Turns out that his father left the family when he was a kid and a few years ago Chris wrote him a letter expressing his feelings and telling him he wanted a relationship with him. His dad never responded to the letter, so now Chris has some sort of PTSD about writing about his feelings, which he works out with Becca and goes from being afraid to feeling confident in their love blah blah blah … You know the drill. Same shit, different season. He did win some points in my book because the lyrics he managed to write were really good; however he lost those points when he teared up like a bitch when Richard Marx put them to music.
The dinner portion of the date was also stupid. Many people on Twitter pointed out that Chris looks like Eddie Menuek aka Roommate Eddie from Friends and completely distracted me. They talked more about Chris’s dad and Becca told him she was proud of him for opening up. Good for you Chris. He gets the date rose, and I hope he enjoys it, because I predict he’s going to get two more before Becca sends him packing. Hopefully there aren’t any strongly worded letters involved.
Don and Kim Go To Singapore
ABC World News thought it would be chill to interrupt Bachelor Monday with a Special Report on the historic meeting of President Trump and North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-Un. It was most definitely not chill. ABC must be misreading their audience, because the demographics that tune in on Mondays from 8:00 – 10:00 EST don’t give two shits about historic handshakes, especially when it interrupts their regularly scheduled garbage programming – and I include myself in that statement. Plus, I liked the James Franco and Seth Rogen version of this plotline better anyway.
Jordan Beats David’s Ass
Just kidding. The producers have been dropping teasers about a dude getting carried out of the mansion to an ambulance all season, making it seem like two of the dudes get into it. Turns out David rolled out of his top bunk and landed on his face, breaking it in the process. Super anticlimactic. It was some classic cocktease editing on the part of the producers, and I totally bought into it. I’ll just add that to the list of reasons why I hate myself.
Football Group Date
This week’s final date card reads “We can tackle anything together,” and is addressed to Clay, Leo. Christon, Ryan, John, Garrett, Mike, Lincoln, Connor, and Blake, meaning that Nick is the dude left without a date this week. The dudes successfully surmise that this date involves football and a bus takes them to a local college’s field. ABC paid some marching band to play some fanfare music for their arrival, which I’m sure was triggering for the band nerds to once again be forced to be in the presences of a bunch of douchebros.
Becca tells the guys that she’s going to run them through a few drills, and she is joined by two members of the Legends Football League, which if I’m not mistaken is the PC title for the organization formerly known as the Lingerie Football League. Most of the dudes hold their own since about half of them played professional sports of some sort. Lincoln looks like a real dweeb though – he clearly has no understanding of any of the shit they’re trying to teach him.
The real standout is Clay, which is no surprise given that he plays in the NFL. While the other guys joke about how good he is, Becca loses the ability to make words as she watches him test his vertical jump, run a 40 yard dash, and demolish some tackling dummies. It’s an aggressive side of the gentle giant that she’s never seen before, and apparently it has awaken some sort of feelings in her.
“Are you having fun?” Clay asks her between drills.
“Choke me, daddy,” Becca whimpers quietly.
“What was that?” Clay asks.
“Nothing,” she quickly recovered. “You’re so fun. And strong. I mean, this is fun. We’re all having fun. ALL THE FUN!”
Eventually, they stop running drills and play an actual game. Surprisingly, the dudes aren’t total shit at football, and despite being down 21-7, Clay manages to lead his team to an impressive comeback and ends up tying to the game. However, this non-victory came at quite a price. After the pandemonium of the end of the game died down, everyone noticed that Clay was still sitting in the end zone clutching his wrist. He becomes the second dude this season to get carted off to the hospital, although he manages to make it to the ambulance under his own power.
The rest of the crew head to yet another cocktail party, where the dudes take turns making out with Becca. Each of them think that they have the most magical connection; it would be awesome to see their reaction to realize they’re all essentially swapping spit with each other via Becca’s mouth. The real surprise of the night occurs when Clay shows up with his wrist in a splint. In classic Bachelorette fashion, Becca is so moved by Clay prioritizing their relationship over seeking adequate medical care for himself that she gives him the group date rose.
In the time that elapsed since the last group date, Clay managed to go to a doctor to get his wrist checked out, and turns out he needs surgery to repair what he fucked up. I can’t wait for the ESPN commentary on a potential career-ending injury sustained during a pickup game on reality TV. Despite getting that news, Clay has to debate whether he bows out of Bachelorette contention to get his wrist fixed so he can continue playing NFL football, or take his chances and get dumped by Becca in four weeks and then get his wrist fixed. It’s entirely too much deliberation for what should be a very simple decision. You have to take care of number one there, boss.
Although the other dudes are jockeying for time with Becca, Clay manages to snag her early on in the cocktail party. She cries when he tells her about his injury, and then looks totally dead inside when he tells her he’s going to leave and hands his group date rose back to her. Did she actually think this dude would consider sacrificing his career for her? You’re hot Becca, but you’re not that hot.
With that, Clay departs. Becca watches him longingly; with each stride Clay takes, she watches her hopes of bearing athletic children while being supported by an NFL salary get further and further away.
The episode ends there – the promo for next week shows us the return of David and his demolished face, and that Becca and Co will depart the confines of the Bachelor Mansion and travel to Park City for their first destination dates. Once the group starts traveling, dudes start dropping like flies, so hopefully next week brings us some actual progress in Becca’s journey to find
a sperm donor her husband. See you then..