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Give our weekly Bachelor recap podcast, Touching Base, a listen while you read. Subscribe on iTunes.
Alright, folks. I’m struggling to understand how we’re nearing the halfway point of this season, yet there have been approximately five things that have actually happened in the preceding episodes. “But Crick,” you may be asking, “We’ve already invested six hours into this shit. There has to be more than five things that have happened!”
Becca sent the dude she already knew home. Jordan stole our hearts because he’s a lovable dipshit that is the only entertaining aspect of this season. Colton dated Tia but Becca decided she was cool with it because she has a throb on for him. David broke his face. Clay left on his own because he decided his NFL career was more important than Becca. See? You didn’t need three recaps to get to this point. You needed a paragraph.
Mercifully, things accelerated this week. ABC treated us to two one-on-one dates and one giant
gangbang group date. Let’s break it down:
Cocktail Party, Part II
After Clay’s departure, Becca wept for a slightly longer than appropriate amount of time before letting Blake assuage her feelings. He pulled what I’m assuming is the Bachelorette version of the “Want to see my fish tank?” move and brought her to his bunk bed to chat and make out. Thankfully the cleaning crew had swept up David’s dislodged teeth and mopped up his splattered blood earlier that morning so that the mood wasn’t ruined.
Meanwhile, Jordan took another opportunity to tell the camera, “I talk to God every day. Sometimes people that go against me just get hurt sometimes.” You’re totally right Jordan. I bet you JC himself bopped down from eating bon-bons in heaven, descended upon the Bachelor mansion, and rolled David out of bed himself to make sure your happy ass had a leg up on fornicating with Becca. Makes total sense.
When Jordan finally gets some time with Becca, she presents him with a gift. “One of the producers handed me this pair of shorts that Mike Myers wore in Goldmember. They’ve actually never been washed, and I figured that you were the only person I could trick into wearing them.” Jordan takes this as quite the compliment, and just as he is about to drop trou, David makes his triumphant return from the hospital. Exquisite timing by the production staff. Really – it’s top notch.
David rolls back into the mansion and despite Jordan’s commentary, his face doesn’t look as bad as I expected. Maybe it’s because I’m fresh off of a month of trauma and have seen some real fucked up shit, but other than one side of his nose being flattened and some bruises on his cheek and a really bloodshot eye, the damage seems pretty minimal. Becca agrees and decides to give him the rose she originally gave to Clay. So romantic.
Colton, Chris, and
Clay David have roses. The remaining twelve go to:
– Jason – Forgot his name but has a crush on him? Love Becca’s first grade-style tactics here.
– Wills – Normal. I don’t really have anything to say about Wills.
– Nick – Wore a tracksuit and not one, but two gold crosses to make sure we knew he was a douche from Florida
– Christon – Short baller
– Lincoln – Convicted of indecent exposure and battery last week, so maybe the casting department should tighten shit up so we don’t risk #MeToo moments
– Blake – He’s not going to win but he’ll clean up in Paradise
– Garrett – Becca didn’t list racism and homophobia as dealbreakers, so here we are…
– Leo – Jason Momoa
– John – Venmo bro
– Connor – Former MLB player, current photo Frisbee enthusiast
– Jordan – Smooth like Ken doll
– Jean Blanc – Colognoisseur
That means that in addition to Clay, we’re saying goodbye to Mike and his beautiful golden locks, and Ryan, the banjo player.
One-on-One Date with Garrett
Leaving the Bachelor mansion behind for a environmental service crew to scrub down and disinfect with industrial grade, antibiotic infused cleaning solution, Becca and her
meat market remaining suitors head to Park City, Utah, for this week’s dates.
Instead of sending a date card, Becca just shows up to the dudes’ AirBNB to collect Garrett for their date. I’m sure that Becca flaunting picking Garrett like that won’t result in someone rubbing their nuts all over his pillow while he’s gone. If there’s a pink eye outbreak on the next episode, you heard it here first.
After giving Garrett the First Impression Rose, Becca decides to also give him the shitty “exploring a city” date. I get it, this is probably a smart move, because wandering around and doing mundane activities is the closest thing to reality that this franchise peddles, so if you can stand a dude on this date, you can probably deal with him in real life. Their first stop is a store that sells alpaca fur goods, which is an interesting choice. They take selfies on a digital camera since they’re not allowed to have phones and run around the store like teenagers. I’m bored.
The camera cuts back to the dudes’ digs, where they are all learning that Lincoln believes the earth is flat. Just when I thought I couldn’t hate him any more, he pulls this shit. His stupidity causes me physical pain. He tells the camera that if an astrophysicist can give him a call with some more evidence that the earth is round, he’d be open to changing his mind. Hopefully he’ll have some time in prison to crack a book or two and not being such a goddamn fucking dumb shit.
Becca and Garrett’s next stop is the Utah Olympic Park, where she tells him that they are going to go bobsledding. I’ve actually been there before and seen that bobsled track – don’t be deceived by the thin layer of snow and ice – that thing is a concrete tube of death. I normally give people a lot of shit about being nervous about these date activites, but if things go wrong on that descent, they’re going to wind up looking a hell of a lot worse than David’s face. Thankfully, the 2006 women’s silver medalists are there to do all the work and let the happy couple shriek like they’re on a perfectly safe roller coaster instead of freewheeling on a fiberglass handbasket to hell.
After their brush with death, Becca takes Garrett to dinner. “This may be a weird thing to say, but you remind me a lot of my dad,” Becca tells him. “And if you remember Arie’s season of The Bachelor, he died of cancer, so me saying that doesn’t at all indicate that I may have unrealistic and unattainable expectations of you. I do see you being the one that is left at the end of this though. By the way, tell me about your most recent relationship!”
Garrett fumbles for a moment. “I’ve been in love once,” he starts.
“Really?” Becca inquires. “With who?”
“Uhhh…” Garrett takes a deep breath. “My ex wife.”
“Fuck,” Becca says under her breath.
“We dated for a year and a half, were engaged for a year, and then got divorced two months after we got married. I think I just fell in love with the wrong person,” he tells Becca, who was not actually listening but instead chugging her wine.
Garrett’s revelation sends Becca into a tailspin, questioning whether or not Garrett would feel pressured to propose at the end of the season if she gave him the final rose.
“I mean, obviously I want a ring again,” she tells the camera. “That’s the whole point of this thing. Love, sure, but like, I have to beat Arie.”
Garrett goes on to explain this his ex wife was emotionally manipulative, as most ex wives tend to be, and that she drove a wedge between him and his friends and family. Becca asks why he didn’t notice that happening in the two and a half years preceding their failed marriage, and he replies that he noticed, but he was so in love that he was willing to do anything to make their relationship work.
Becca takes this as a positive quality, realizing that Garrett is probably just a sweet little puppy dog of a man who needs to be told what to do. “Perfect,” she whispers to herself. “Momma is back in charge.” They make out, he gets a rose, and all is well.
The date ends with Becca “surprising” Garrett by taking him to a Granger Smith concert where they dance on an elevated platform and make out in front of people that paid to see that show. That shit has happened so many times on this show that I would try to make fun of it, but just like the producers, I’ve run out of new ideas.
Becca’s Big Lumberjack Bash Group Date
This week’s second date is a group date and is for Jordan, Chris, Blake, Nick, John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor, Christon, Jason, Colton, and Jean Blanc – basically everyone except for Wills, who now knows he’s guaranteed the remaining one-on-one date.
The thirteen dudes on this date meet Becca on top of a random hill where they see a sign that reads “Becca’s Big Lumberjack Bash” off in the distance. That sounds like a sweet birthday party theme for a five-year-old boy in Montana, not the largest group date of the season, but what do I know? I’m just a doctor.
The date starts with some actual lumberjacks showing the dudes how to use an axe, and they practice by splitting some logs. In the real world, we just call this splitting logs. Most of the guys have no issue accomplishing this task; even pretty boy Jordan and soft-handed software engineer John make this look like child’s play. On the other hand, Jean Blanc and Chris can barely swing an axe hard enough to pierce the wood, and Lincoln misses the log entirely and nearly buries the axe in his foot instead. There’s probably a girl from a boat party in Boston who was wishing for that outcome.
After the dudes practice throwing axes and flipping four hundred pound logs, the pro lumberjacks put them through an actual competition. They’re divided into two teams where they race to see who can roll logs, flip logs, throw axes, saw logs, and climb a thirty foot pole the fastest. It’s like they’re living out Little House on the Prairie, except their prize is more time with Becca instead of surviving a subsistence lifestyle.
The competition itself wasn’t particularly exciting, with the exception of John – who turned out to be the real MVP, scaling up the thirty foot pole to win the competition for his team. Becca gave him the Golden Axe, an award with which I am unfamiliar, to commemorate his effort. Perhaps there’s more to John than his Venmo money after all? Eh, probably not.
The rest of the evening is devoted to a cocktail party. While the beginning of the night went as expected, with Becca swapping spit with Jason and Colton, things took a turn during her chat with Jordan. He wore his Goldmember underpants for her, electing to take off his actual pants partway through their conversation and giving her a half hearted lap dance, much to Becca’s chagrin. The rest of the dudes were similarly nonplussed when he returned to them yet again missing the bottom half of his outfit, so much so that Colton and Chris try to take Jordan outside to call him out for being a clown. If there’s anything we’ve learned about Jordan, it’s that he doesn’t give a shit what these dudes think, so their conversation was completely pointless.
From there, Becca spends some time with Jean Blanc the colognoisseur, who catapults himself to capture the “Try-Hard of the Night” award by presenting Becca with a “fragrance which he collaborated with one of the largest scent companies to create” which he called Ms. Becca Blanc. Barf. Send his ass home immediately. I’d rather see Jordan in nothing but his golden Spanx for the rest of the season than see Jean Blanc pull any more of that sentimental bullshit. He tells Becca that all he wants is a kiss and she leans in for a brief moment. Hate to break it to you, Jean Blanc, but if she hasn’t already sucked your tongue down her throat by this point in the game, she’s not that into you.
Leo mercifully arrives to sweep Becca away, and Jean Blanc returns to the rest of the dudes. He tells them that “he achieved what he set out to accomplish” during his time with Becca, and if that goal was to run head long into the friend zone, then you done good, buddy. “In the game of love, sometimes you just have to take matters into your own hands,” he tells the cameras. He’s definitely right about that, because his game of love with Becca will definitely end with him taking things into his own hands, if you catch my drift. (I’m talking about masturbating; there’s no way Becca will ever touch his dangle.)
Unfortunately for him, and fortunately for the producers trying to find content to fill this cocktail party, Jean Blanc is really bad at reading situations and swoops back in on Lincoln’s time with Becca because he feels that there’s some “unfinished business” between them. Did you want tongue with that kiss? He tells Becca that he feels like their connection was instantaneous. Becca adjusts her position on the couch, inching slightly away from Jean Blanc. He tells her that he is “really, truly, falling in love with you,” and she pushes further away. Dude, open your eyes. This is not going how you think it’s going.
Becca nods uncomfortably as she subtly pushes the panic button that was installed underneath the couch to summon security.
“Wow,” Becca tells Jean Blanc, eyes darting around for the reinforcements she hopes will arrive quickly. “That’s a lot to take in. It’s intense, and I don’t know if I’m on the same page as you.”
Jean Blanc seems confused. “Well, maybe we can take a step back. We’re still at the beginning stages of this…”
“Yeah, the very beginning!” Becca exclaims. “You get your first kiss and then you tell me you’re falling in love with me fifteen minutes later? What the actual fuck is wrong with you? I mean, I don’t know if it would be fair to keep you here when I don’t see a future with you. That’s the appropriate line, right?”
“Listen,” Jean Blanc backpedals. “I think…”
“Nope!” Becca interjects. “Listening time for me is over. Going away time for you is starting.”
As she walked Jean Blanc out, things get interesting. He asks what she thought of the gift, as if his shitty perfume was a ticket to a rose. She tells him that she appreciates the sentiment, but it was clear they were on different wavelengths with their feelings towards one another.
“What I said isn’t really where I’m at,” Jean Blanc replies. “It was just where I thought you’d want me to be. I thought that was what you wanted to hear.”
Obviously, this show is founded upon lying about your feelings, but the key component of making lying about your feelings a viable strategy in a relationship (not just on Bachelor franchise shows, this works in real life too) is to never acknowledge that you’re lying about your feelings. It’s like Fight Club, and Jean Blanc broke the most important rule.
“So you didn’t mean what you said back there?” Becca questions him.
“Of course I meant it!” Jean Blanc replies.
“Which part?” she asks.
“All of it,” he tells her, eyes opening wide like a Disney princess as he tries to incept the idea of letting him stay in her brain.
“Well now I’m just confused about everything, except for the fact that your limo is over there, and you need to be inside it now,” Becca tells him, finally ending this painful conversation.
With that, Jean Blanc departs, and Becca returns to her remaining men with the fury of a thousand middle-aged women with Kate Gosselin haircuts whose coupons were just denied at the grocery store checkout.
“I don’t know what the fuck is going on tonight, but I’m so pissed right now,” she rips into the dudes, who have done nothing wrong. “Jean told me he was falling in love with me, and when I told him that he was insane and had to leave, he said he didn’t mean any of it and was just telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. All I’m asking for is honesty, and if you can’t give me that, I’ll pay for your Uber to the airport myself. Actually, I still have Arie’s credit card numbers memorized, so Arie will pay for your Uber to the airport himself. I’m done with tonight. I want to go home. I don’t want to give out a rose, so I’ll see you all at the next rose ceremony.”
One-on-One Date with Wills
After being deceived by Jean Blanc and reaming the rest of her dudes, Becca started her one-on-one date with Wills in a super healthy place. She tells the cameras that she hopes Wills can go slow with her, because she’s feeling a little bit nervous and immediately bursts into tears. Homeboy hasn’t even arrived and the waterworks have already started. I am very nervous for him.
The first part of their date consists of snowmobiling up a mountain. Instead of being cute and riding the same snowmobile, Becca forces the producers to get her one of her own, because despite being the Bachelorette, she is a strong, independent woman who don’t need no man. She might not want one at this point, either. The two of them caravan up the mountain, reaching the top in twenty-three seconds of screen time. They must have been zooming.
Once they reach the top, an intern drags a fire pit from a nearby ATV and lights a fire so they can snuggle and sip champagne. Becca is reserved, and Wills doesn’t push her, simply saying that his experience with her so far has exceeded his expectations.
“I feel like some people just lose sight of why we’re here,” Wills says during an opportune break in their conversation. “And that reason is you. We’re here to really flesh things out and see if it could work out; if you’re someone we could spend our lives with…”
Becca digs it. She snaps out of her funk, and then they make out and have a snowball fight. This show is so goddamn predictable. The couple goes on to the dinner portion of their date where Wills arrives wearing a very snazzy scarf instead of a tie. Maybe I should incorporate more scarves into my business casual wardrobe. Just kidding, I wear scrubs 95% of the time, and on a good day, they aren’t covered in blood, shit, urine, or tears by the time I get to go home. Sexy, I know. Try to contain yourselves.
Becca asks Wills about his last relationship, which apparently is the theme of this episode. He said that he dated someone for three years, and they had talked about marriage, kids, forever, et cetera; however, things changed when she asked for a hall pass to go get some strange. Wills wasn’t having it and saw her out with some other dude where the two of them would spend their anniversaries, likely utilizing that hall pass he did not give her, so things ended and he signed up for The Bachelorette to show that bitch what he was worth, which will likely be in the neighborhood of five to eight thousand dollars per month in Instagram sponsorships.
They talk about their fears and their goals, and before I know it, Becca is pinning a rose on Wills’ chest. Time sure flies when you wish this episode would hurry on up and end. After getting the rose, they make out at the dinner table, and then they make out against a wall. So
Yet Another Goddamn Cocktail Party
Just kidding. The cocktail party was cancelled because Becca is sick of talking to these dudes, and we’re sick of watching Becca talk to these dudes.
Rose Ceremony 2
Garrett and Wills already have roses. The remaining ten go to:
– Leo – Still Jason Momoa
– Colton – Tia’s Boyfriend
– Blake – Told Becca she was his girlfriend, so obviously he can’t go home
– Jason – Becca’s #MCM
– Connor – Turns out he was right about Lincoln all along
– Lincoln – Unfortunately, Becca doesn’t know that Connor was right about Lincoln yet
– John – Real standout of the week. He won’t win, but if he didn’t show up in the lumberjack games, he would have for sure gone home tonight.
– Chris – Why though?
– David – Chicken with the broken beak
Blue Steel Pensive Gentleman
Which means that joining Jean Blanc on the list of dearly departed includes Nick, the tracksuit enthusiast, and Christon, the diminutive former Harlem Globetrotter. Next week the crew heads to Vegas, where certainly no good decisions will be made – except one. It appears that the producers read my mind and will be delivering us that Jordan vs. David two-on-one date. See you then..