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Alright folks. We’re two episodes down – only eight more to go. For me, this is the hardest part of the season to watch; there are too many dudes to keep straight, and I don’t have enough shits to give that I can be investing them willy-nilly in relationships that may not pan out. This week brought us two group dates, the single greatest one-on-one date in Bachelor franchise history, and the first rush of man tears this season. Let’s break it down.
Obstacle Course Group Date
After surviving night one, the twenty-one remaining dudebros throw on their best athleisurewear and assemble in the foyer of the Bachelor mansion to begin this week’s episode. Chris Harrison, the blessed savior of Bachelor Nation appears, holding in his hand a sealed envelope
“Alright, dickweeds,” CH starts. “There’s a shit ton of you left, and I’m too old to learn your names, so we’ve got to start sending you on dates so we can start thinning out the herd.” Without hesitation, he tosses the envelope in the general direction of the dudes and heads out of the mansion to do literally anything else with his life.
The card reads, “I’m ready for my big day – Becca” and is addressed to Clay, Nick, Chris, David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Lincoln, and Connor. With this cryptic message in mind, the eight lucky men chosen for the first date of the season head out of the mansion.
They learn that their destination is some place called Saddlerock Ranch, and I am unaware of any significance to this location. The dudes are met by Becca who is wearing a dynamite white number. “On my first date, I got pampered, so I want to return to favor to all of you!” she tells them. The guys all clap excitedly, except for Jordan, who is too busy looking at a reflection of himself on the bus window to even register that he isn’t alone. Becca takes the dudes inside a building at the ranch, where they are met by some tailors and are told they’ll be getting custom tuxedos to wear on today’s date.
Becca enjoys watching the dudes strip down a little too much, and once they’re decked out in their new penguin suits, Jordan takes the opportunity to demonstrate his skills as a male model by literally walking through the room, turning around, and walking back. Bless him. He also slinks up to Becca and offers her some sage advice about presenting herself to the world, saying, “Do you know the most important part of any outfit?” he inquires. Becca shakes her head because she knows this shit will be good. “Confidence. Confidence is key. Before you put on your pantyhose in the morning, put on your confidence.”
When Jordan uttered the word pantyhose, I legitimately barfed in my mouth, and even typing that sentence makes me nauseous. What the actual fuck, dude? Keep that shit to yourself. Also, what if Becca doesn’t include pantyhose as part of her normal wardrobe, since you know, she’s twenty-seven, not seventy-seven? Then when is she supposed to don her confidence? As much as I wish the producers would stop airing Jordan’s running commentary because he’s so goddamn stupid, I’ve come to realize hearing his mindless babbling makes me feel better about my life and my choices. Keep it coming, ABC.
After getting all dolled up, Becca leads her train of man meat outside and down a path towards an open field, where they are greeted by last season‘s Bachelorette, Rachel, and her raging cockbag of a fiancé, Bryan. Instead of doing more fancy shit, the dudes learn that their task for the afternoon will be to compete in an obstacle course. This is pretty standard Bachelor fare and happens at least once a season, so I’m glad we’re getting it out of the way now. This particular iteration is wedding themed; since Becca was so close to her happily ever after, why not taunt her about it one more time?
To start the race, the dudes attach a spherical weight to their legs – a literal ball and chain. I’d almost forgotten how progressive this franchise can be. After sprinting across a field while dragging weight behind them, the next part of the obstacle course involved 55-gallon drums full of ice water to represent getting cold feet about the thought of proposing to a woman you’ve only known for eight weeks. It’s a good blend of straight up hazing and also asking tough questions. I approve. One by one the dudes submerge themselves, testicles retracting into the depths of their abdomen for survival.
Despite already starting to get bored watching this race, we do get our first glimpse of some interesting developments during this segment of the race. While Lincoln was not the first contestant to reach the ice buckets, he was the first to emerge and continue with the race. Why is this interesting, you ask? Each of the dudes had a timer to ensure they froze their nuts off for the same amount of time, but apparently, that rule was more of a suggestion for Lincoln.
With his newfound lead, Lincoln army crawls through mud and under some fake razor wire, picking up a bouquet of flowers and tossing them into a bucket to check off another task on this obstacle course. One by one the other contestants fall off, leaving only Lincoln and David at the end. The final task for the two dudes left is to find a large, fake engagement ring hidden in a wedding cake. To up the ante, they aren’t allowed to use their hands, so both David and Lincoln promptly faceplant into the cakes.
“Come on, boys, show me what that mouth do!” Rachel shouts as them as they tongue their way through icing and sponge in search of a knockoff Neil Lane ring. Sweet Jesus, Rachel, this is a family show. Keep your shit together. Both David and Lincoln find their rings at the same time and dash towards the finish line, which is less of a finish line and more just Becca standing at an altar. The dudes are neck and neck until Lincoln throws an elbow and lays David out; from there, Lincoln slides the rest of the way to Becca like he’s Arie sliding into Lauren Burnham’s DMs on Insta. He is rewarded with a kiss from Becca while the rest of the dudes sulk, their tuxes covered in mud and their souls covered in shame.
The rest of the date was devoted to a cocktail party where the overall theme was that Lincoln is a total snake. Total Slytherin material. In the span of twenty minutes, he went from being a contestant I enjoyed watching to possibly being my least favorite to ever appear on this show. Remember the jokes people made about how after seeing Lincoln, they regret never emailing that Nigerian prince back about helping him out with his fortune? As it turns out, Lincoln may even be a touch shadier than that motherfucker.
As a reward for winning the obstacle course, Lincoln was given a framed photo of him and Becca. As he held it, he told the camera “Kissing Becca was like riding to the moon on the wings of a Pegasus.” Fuck you, dude. Fuck you.
After getting his photo, Lincoln proceeded to parade it around in front of the other dudes, setting it on the table, having a conversation with it, and continually reminding everyone that he won the race, despite everyone knowing he had to cheat to do so. It’s annoying. Eventually, Connor got tired of this shit and took the photo and tossed it like a frisbee into the pool, promptly ending Lincoln’s peacocking. I personally found this fucking hilarious, but Lincoln’s reaction can only be described as mega butthurt.
Instead of reacting like a normal human and yelling at Connor or punching him in the dick, Lincoln made a beeline for Becca. “I just wanted to let you know that Connor threw our photograph in the pool! He must just be jealous of our blossoming relationship, but I simply don’t understand why he would do such a horrendous thing! My mother would be so disappointed if I acted in such a way in front of a beautiful woman.” As he said this, my eyes rolled so far back into their sockets that for a moment I was concerned that I’d never be able to see again.
Becca totally takes Lincoln’s bait and pulls Connor aside to chastise him. Am I the type of dude that would toss another guys picture in a pool? No. Am I the type of guy that would be like “I bet you don’t have the stones to throw that picture into the pool, you little chicken shit.” You bet your ass I am. Stir that pot. Watch everyone else implode. Emerge victorious by default. Profit. Becca tells Connor his reaction is a red flag for her, and that it’s too early to be so aggressive. In my opinion, the fact that Lincoln is such a manipulative asshole is way more offensive than some good old fashioned destruction of property, so maybe Becca should look at the big picture. I can’t wait for like five dudes to tell her Lincoln is bad news before she even considers the possibility that Lincoln may be insincere. Calling it now.
The date ends with Jean Blanc getting the group date rose because he managed to have a normal conversation with Becca. Good for you, Jean Blanc. You go, Jean Blanc.
One-on-One Date with Blake
The next segment of the episode begins the following morning. A group of dudes who weren’t on the first date are sitting around Lincoln as he recounts his version of the evening’s events. “Connor took something very meaningful to me and simply destroyed it. And seeing that photo destroyed broke my heart,” he tells them. Not only does he spout that bullshit to them, he fucking cries while he does it. He doesn’t just get a little misty-eyed – we’re talking real tears here, folks. I can’t. I just can’t. Maybe it’s because I haven’t shed a tear since 2007, but this is some grade A horseshit, and I can’t wait for this all to come crashing down around Lincoln. I’m going to stop ranting about this because I can feel my blood pressure climbing and I don’t need that type of negativity in my life. But for real, fuck Lincoln.
The second date of the week and first one-on-one date of the season goes to Blake, and I can say without hesitation that it was the most entertaining bit of television I’ve ever seen on this show.
This idea had started months earlier. When one of the producers was visiting family in rural Indiana, she was dragged to a demolition derby when a new idea dawned on her. She immediately called the production office and was greeted by the voice of a nervous intern.
“I know what Becca’s first date has to be!” she exclaimed.
“WHAT?” the intern on the other end of the line inquired.
“A demolition date. Quick – keep them from getting rid of anything her and Arie touched together. Buy that gray couch from the AirBNB where he dropped her ass. Oh, and get a bunch of TV monitors. We can play some old footage on it. Can you handle that?”
“YEAH!” the intern replied.
“And get some music, maybe a DJ or something,” she instructed before hanging up the phone.
“OKAY!” the intern answered to no one in particular.
From there – television gold was born. A limo takes Becca and Blake to a shady part of town where they are greeted by Chris Harrison holding a sledgehammer. The couple is appropriately perplexed, but Lord Harrison assures them everything will make sense in a moment. They put on some steel-toed boots and industrial onesies, grab sledgehammers and head inside a seemingly abandoned warehouse.
Once inside, Becca realizes that instead of being abandoned, the warehouse is actually chock full of horrors – specifically just about every memory of her relationship with Arie. There’s a race car, setups mimicking each of Becca and Arie’s dates on The Bachelor, and an entire bank of televisions playing their proposal on a loop. “Am I in hell?” Becca and Blake whisper simultaneously.
“We figured you could use a little bit of catharsis, so you guys can just go nuts and smash the shit out of everything,” Chris explains. “Also, we got you a DJ.”
“That was sweet of you, Chris,” Becca replies. “I love hearing up and coming stars play their shitty mixes.”
“Actually, it’s Lil Jon,” Chris tells her.
“WHAT?” Becca shrieks.
“YEAH!” Chris yells back.
“OKAY!” shouts a voice from the back of the warehouse.
“Oh my God,” Blake whispers. “It’s fucking Lil Jon!”
As “Turn Down For What” starts pumping through the warehouse, Becca and Blake spend the rest of the afternoon destroying everything in sight while Lil Jon cheers them on. I can describe a lot of things about this show, and Jenna Crowley and I have an extensive discussion about it on this week’s episode of Don’t Take It From Us – but you absolutely have to watch it for yourself. That shit deserves an Emmy.
I was so in shock of the absolute masterpiece of a date that I could barely pay attention to Becca and Blake’s conversation at dinner. It was very normal and they seemed really into each other, in fact, Becca told Blake, “When I’m with you, I don’t feel like the Bachelorette, I just feel like Becca.” They made out for a while and Blake gets a rose.
Seriously – watch the Lil Jon bit. It’s unreal. I am shook. My life is complete.
Dip, Dive, Dodge, Duck, and Dodge Group Date
The last date of the week was another group date, and the lucky dudes whose names show up on the card are John, Christon, Leo, Alex, Ryan, Garrett, Rickey, Wills, Trent, and Colton. A school bus shows up at the mansion to whisk them away to a local high school, where they are greeted by Becca, who looks like she just raided Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century’s closet and found some metallic shorts. Not her best look, but I digress. The crew struts into the gymnasium, where they are met by three child actors who proceed to make the dudes run suicides and get pelted with dodgeballs to train for an actual dodgeball game later in the evening. The kids are intense and spend the entire segment demoralizing the dudes, and I am here for it. We need more of that to deflate some of the egos that are quickly swelling around here.
Once their training is complete, the dudes are split into teams and taken to a nearby SkyZone. I’ll be honest – for a date where the dudes had the chance to pummel the living shit out of one another, this was a little underwhelming. The producers made Becca sit awkwardly by herself in the crowd of white, middle-aged female spectators while Chris Harrison and Fred Willard commentated on the best-of-three tournament. The only real standout in the games was Leo, aided by the fact that his teammates were total garbage and that his actual job as a stuntman is to be good at falling. Otherwise, it was just like watching a frat league dodgeball game, except less entertaining because no one was blackout drunk.
As per Bachelorette tradition, the remainder of the date was spent at a cocktail party where Becca sequentially made out with each of her suitors. Apparently, her demolition date didn’t completely cleanse her of Arie’s antics after all. While most of the conversations were pretty standard, Colton decided to use his time to drop a bomb on Becca.
“By the way, back in January before I came on the show I had a relationship with Tia,” Colton tells Becca. Her eyes immediately go from sparkly to totally dead inside. “I’m not going to lie,” Becca replies. “Knowing that makes me a little bit sick to my stomach.”
“Really?” Colton asks. “This bothers you, but getting engaged to a dude who had fucked two other girls literally three days before he got on one knee for you was no big deal?” Okay, fine, Colton didn’t say that. I said it, and I meant it. Becca proceeds to tell Colton that she is very attracted to him – and I think that’s the crux of the issue. She is into him, but now his attraction to her will always be a little bit tainted by Tia. It’s got to be pretty triggering for Becca, and while she may think she can brush it off now, I have a feeling it’ll come back to bite Colton later.
Wills somehow ends up with the group date rose, probably for just being totally normal. Whatever it takes, man.
When we’re in this phase of the season and there are still a metric fuck ton of dudes left, every moment they spend with Becca is crucial, so these cocktail parties can get a little intense. Each dude handles trying to get Becca’s attention in a different way. For example, John the Venmo dude spends his time reading some bullshit poetry to Becca before promising he’ll never hurt her. Simmer down John; that’s an easy promise to keep when you’ve got a four-inch penis but an eight-figure bank account.
Connor uses his time to redeem his assault on Lincoln’s precious photo by making Becca toss a picture of him into the pool to even things out. It’s a clutch move and Becca seems to have forgiven his little outburst.
Jordan decided to take a less subtle approach. While he spent most of the first episode talking about his suit, he decided clothing would be overkill tonight and strips down to his underwear before sauntering around the house. He plays it off like it’s no big deal and that he isn’t getting his nut sweat all over the furniture, but the other dudes are less enthusiastic about these antics. David in particular bitches up a storm – more on that later.
When Jordan sits down with Becca, he attempts to have a normal conversation – at least, it’s what I assume Jordan thinks is a normal conversation. I take a lot of artistic liberty with some of the events on this show, but this conversation is verbatim:
“I don’t want you to think I’m some guy who is like 007 all the time because I’m not. There’s a lot to me. I’m very wild. I’m very spontaneous. I like to speed. I like to live life on the edge, but as a gentleman – like my hair is going to be pretty well kept, but I like to have fun,” Jordan tells Becca. For a moment, we cut to more of David complaining about Jordan cutting into his time, but when we return to Jordan and Becca, their conversation has taken yet another left turn.
“I just want to come here and be me,” Jordan continues. “And maybe talk about having a mini-me or something. That’s also a big passion for me – having a little Jordan. I’d possibly call him Jordy, maybe Old Junior, I’d keep him right here on my shoulder. See, there’s a lot to me, and I’m very comfortable in my own skin.” Becca nods silently before ducking off camera for a moment to make sure her IUD is still in place and also to swallow and entire month’s worth of birth control pills just to be on the safe side.
Once Jordan and Becca’s conversation is over, David confronts Jordan. The conversation doesn’t go the way that David intended, mostly because Jordan is unable to comprehend logic, and even if he were, he wouldn’t give a shit. “I think David thinks because I’m a male model, I’m stupid,” Jordan tells the camera. “If I took an IQ test, my score would be above the average male model.” At least we’re being honest here, Big J. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m really starting to warm up to Jordan.
Ralphio Blanc, Blake, and Wills already have roses. The remaining fifteen go to:
– Chris – Nark
– Jason – No date for Jason this week
– John – Venmo
– Clay – He may play football for the NFL, but he could bring home Olympic gold in being overly sensitive
– Mike – no date, sweet flow
– Connor – Photo Frisbee Enthusiast
– Leo – Jason Momoa
– David – Chicken Little
– Garrett – First impression rose, frontrunner, possibly racist
– Nick – It is unclear whether he spoke any words this week
– Ryan – Banjo Kazooie
– Christon – Globetrotter, teabagger
– Jordan – Not Hansel
– Lincoln – Snake
– Colton – Turns out Becca’s desire to bang him is stronger than her desire to not be Eskimo sisters with another one of her friends (before you @ me, I know he claims to be a virgin, but Becca doesn’t know that at this point.)
That means we say goodbye to Alex, Rickey, and Trent, and to be honest, I don’t know enough about any of them to even make a witty comment. Alex becomes the second dude this season to cry, and I’m going to pretend he was mourning the loss of his chances at quitting his job and living off Instagram endorsements and not sadness over losing Becca.
The promo for next week gives us a teaser that Tia and some of the other girls from last season are going to show up, so I can’t wait to see Colton’s reaction to both his mistresses in one room. That’s a clutch move by the producers. Also apparently that are some shenanigans that require someone to be carted off in an ambulance, so next Monday is shaping up quite nicely. See you then. .