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Alright, folks. I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit trying to come up with something witty to say about the premiere of this round of The Bachelorette, but I’ll be honest – I just can’t get fired up about it. We ended the most recent season of The Bachelor by watching Arie Luyendyk dump his former fiancé and Bachelor winner (which, let’s be honest – is there ever an actual winner in these situations?) Becca Kufrin for his Bachelor runner-up and current fiancé Lauren Burnham.
Becca was rewarded for her humiliation by receiving her own season of The Bachelorette, where she will inevitably cause just as much, if not more, heartbreak than she already endured. It’s the perfect set up for sweet revenge, and ABC has been leaning into that angle real hard during the promos. Who knows? Maybe Becca isn’t actually trying to find love. Maybe Becca is going to bang a bunch of dudes to make Arie jealous while he sits at home in Scottsdale with the animated mannequin he calls a fiancé. Regardless of what Becca wants out of this season, I’m along for the ride.
The premiere starts out with a solid fifteen minute recap of Becca’s journey on The Bachelor. We see her cry happy tears, sad tears, big tears, small tears, and tears of unknown significance. I cry tears of boredom because I’ve seen this shit so many goddamn times already. It’s like ABC makes money by the tear or something.
After the first commercial break, we’re transported back to Minnesota where Becca chose to spend the “eat” phase of her ”Eat, Pray, Love” journey following the last season of The Bachelor. She spends some time being consoled by her family, who tell her “This is just how things were supposed to happen,” which is Midwestern for “Thank fucking God you didn’t marry that other douche canoe.”
The “pray” phase of her journey was replaced by “drinking with Kaitlyn, JoJo, and Rachel,” the three preceding Bachelorettes, who spent their time with Becca taking Boomerangs of their matching Neil Lane rings while drinking mimosas and assuring her that there was literally nothing that could go wrong with picking your future husband out on a reality television show. At home on her couch, Andi Dorfman slugs the rest of her wine before muttering, “Fuck you, Josh,” before pouring herself another glass. Amanda Stanton does the exact same thing, except there are children screaming in the background. This segment of the episode ends with Rachel burning sage in the mansion to “cleanse it of bad juju.” She starts the cleansing with Becca’s vagina, which is both very aggressive and highly not recommended by this physician.
After all this, we’re finally ready for the “love” phase of Becca’s journey. As opening night arrives, Becca is met by Chris Harrison in front of the Bachelor mansion, driveway glistening with the tears of former contestants, where she is met by her twenty-eight
sperm donors suitors. Let’s break it down:
Colton, 26, Former Pro Football Player, Denver, CO
The first contestant out of the limo on The Bachelorette is typically a contestant of major significance to the season. On Rachel’s season it was eventual runner up Peter Krause, on JoJo’s it was winner Jordan Rodgers, and on Kaitlyn’s it was future Bachelor Ben Higgins. Even though he’s already accomplished playing in the NFL and dating Aly Raisman, it looks like Colton has even more to conquer here in Bachelor Nation.
Grant, 27, Electrician, Danville, CA
In the preview of this season’s contestants, the only thing that stood out to me was that Grant had a very tall forehead. After tonight, Grant seems like a nice, normal dude with a very tall forehead.
Clay, 30, Pro Football Player, Chicago, IL
For a professional football player, Clay seemed dangerously close to pissing his pants when he met Becca. Sack up, champ.
Jean Blanc, 31, Colognoisseur, Pensacola, FL
Jean Blanc is from Haiti, which he would like to point out is not a shithole country like Trump espouses. He also kicks off a string of dudes who tell Becca “Let’s do the damn thing!” Hearing that phrase is starting to cause me physical pain.
Connor, 25, Fitness Coach, St. Petersburg, FL
Connor gets down on one knee and asks Becca to do the damn thing. This has got to stop.
Joe, 31, Grocery Store Owner, Chicago, IL
Joe is a grocer from Chicago, and from his intro video we learn that he loves to try to wink, although it appears he is physically unable to complete this task. He reminds me of Wells Adams, but less funny.
John, 28, Software Engineer, San Francisco, CA
John tells Becca he believes love can happen overnight because it happened to his grandmother. My grandmother believed that cold weather, not bacteria, caused pneumonia, so I don’t know if that logic holds up.
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Leo, 31, Stuntman, Studio City, CA
Is he the stuntman for Jason Momoa? He has to be the stuntman for Jason Momoa.
Jordan, 26, Male Model, Crystal River, FL
If he were in Zoolander, he would have been one of the models lost in that tragic gasoline fight. If we’re being totally honest, I wish he were one of the models lost in that tragic gasoline fight. I have a lot of things to say about Jordan, but I have a feeling his entire purpose in going on this show was to get people to talk about him, so I’d hate to cater to his desires, although roughly 50 percent of this episode was devoted to his color commentary of every other contestant. He’s a knockoff version of Robby Hayes that will last four episodes before getting sent home on a two-on-one date.
Rickey, 27, IT Consultant, San Diego, CA
I actually missed this conversation because I was still at work during the premiere and had to answer a page. Sorry Rickey.
Alex, 31, Construction Manager, Atlanta, GA
In my breakdown of the contestant bios, I said Alex smiled like a serial killer. I stand by that assessment.
Nick, 27, Attorney, Orlando, FL
Nick came out of the limo wearing a racing suit to remind Becca of Arie. It was probably a good distraction from his giant nose. Once he ditched the racing outfit, he had nothing else to say, so he told her that he “was usually good at opening statements” before awkwardly retreating to the house. Stellar work, kid.
Mike, 27, Sports Analyst, Cincinnati, OH
Continuing the trend of reminding Becca of Arie, Mike one-upped Nick by emerging from the limo with a cardboard cutout of Becca’s former lover, saying “I want him to see how happy you are tonight.” That’s what Instagram is for, dawg. Even if Mike’s intro wasn’t the greatest of all time, he does have some stellar flow. I wonder if Sugar Bear Hair already sponsors him…
Garrett, 29, Medical Sales Rep, Reno, NV
I said in my breakdown of the contestants I needed to see Garrett’s Chris Farley impression. His first moments on screen involved him doing this impression, and I immediately regret that request. It’s not that it isn’t accurate; it’s that it is so accurate it made me viscerally uncomfortable. He also drove up to the mansion in a minivan stuffed to the brim with diaper bags, car seats, and soccer balls to let Becca know that he wants her to be a baby factory in the next three to five years while she’s still got the good eggs popping out. That being said, I actually really like him.
Blake, 28, Sales Rep, Bailey, CO
Blake was the dweeb that rolled into After The Final Rose on horseback. It was a total cheesedick move, but one that seems to have paid off. Blake managed to outdo himself by showing up to the Bachelor mansion riding an ox. I don’t know that I’ve ever paid attention to what an ox actually looks like beyond playing Oregon Trail, but those fuckers are meaty. No wonder I drowned so many of them trying to ford every river.
Lincoln, 26, Account Sales Executive, Los Angeles, CA
Lincoln met Becca on ATFR on his birthday, so he brought a piece of cake for them to share. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but I think Lincoln and I are both calling bullshit there. Either that or someone stepped in a present that Blake’s ox left in the driveway.
Chase, 27, Advertising VP, Sanford, FL
Chase decided to greet Becca by saying “It’s all about the chase.” I decided to respond to that by vomiting in my mouth.
Darius, 26, Pharmaceutical Sales Rep, Sherman Oaks, CA
I have nothing to say about Darius.
Ryan, 26, Banjoist, Manhattan Beach, CA
Apparently Ryan the banjoist didn’t bring his banjo tonight. Without that, how can we tell him apart amidst the sea of brunette Caucasians? (Hint: it’s the fugly jacket)
Christon, 31, Former Harlem Globetrotter, Los Angeles, CA
Christon is shorter than I expected.
Wills, 29, Graphic Designer, Los Angeles, CA
Wills introduces himself to Becca by saying that he’s a closet nerd. If you listened closely, you could hear the sound of absolutely zero panties dropping while Wills was on screen.
Jason, 29, Sr. Corporate Banker, Seattle, WA
Jason is the bro who talked about loving to belt out Disney songs in his car. To prove he wasn’t a total weirdo, he taught Becca a secret handshake. Hey Jason, The Parent Trap called, they want their schtick back.
Kamil, 30, Social Media Participant, Monroe, NY
Kamil may as well have emerged from the limo with a shovel because it took him approximately seven seconds to dig himself into a hole halfway to China. Instead of walking over to Becca like every other dude, he beckoned for her to come towards the limo. Eventually they met in the middle, unfortunately not underneath an old Georgia pine. Kamil says, “In a relationship, it’s important for things to be fifty – fifty!” Becca was totally into this analogy until Kamil opened his mouth a second time. “Well, maybe not totally fifty – fifty. Maybe more like sixty – forty.” Becca’s expression instantly changes, and you can tell if Kamil added sixty to forty and shoved that sum up his ass he would have a rough estimate of his percent chance of going home without a rose tonight.
Jake, 29, Marketing Consultant, Minneapolis, MN
The only thing I noticed about Jake from his bio was that he has an incredibly broad foreheard. Turns out Becca actually knows him from Minneapolis and by their awkward reintroduction, that isn’t a good thing.
Trent, 28, Realtor, Naples, FL
Trent rolled up to the Bachelor mansion in a hearse and as it parked in front of Becca jumped out exclaiming, “WHEN I HEARD YOU WERE THE BACHELORETTE, I LITERALLY DIED.” Too extra, Trent. Too extra.
Christian, 28, Banker, San Diego, CA
David, 25, Venture Capitalist, Denver, CO
David is the dude you’ve seen in the promos for this season dressed up as a chicken. Normally I’m not a huge fan of costume gimmicks on night one, but between Dolphinshark on Nick’s season and this asshole running around squawking “BEH-KAW! BEH-KAW!” I can get behind this movement. It takes some stones to be able to pull it off, and I think David succeeds.
Chris, 30, Sales Trainer, Orlando, FL
Apparently I wasn’t the only person taking notes last season, because Chris hopped out of the limo and told Becca he knew that to win her heart, he would have to win over her Uncle Gary, who is a pastor up in Minnesota. Besides deleting his browser history, Chris brought along a gospel choir to sing to Becca and show Uncle Gary just how pious he is. It’s a special moment. I’m totally lying. It’s dumb.
After Becca meets the twenty-eight dudes who have newly discovered that their entire purpose in life now is to be the last man standing in this competition and present Becca with a new Neil Lane ring, the real dick measuring contests begin. Seriously, they should just load up the mansion with tape measures and get this shit over with.
Connor manages to be the first to steal Becca away and sabers the top off a bottle of champagne. It’s actually pretty slick. Clay chats with her while they play with modeling clay as a mnemonic device to help Becca remember his name, which is both sweet and sad. Garrett teaches her how to fly fish in the pool and I hope someone let him know that they fish in there aren’t real. John cuts straight to the point and tells her that he developed the app for Venmo, which tells us that not only is he loaded, but he’s definitely so weird that even being rich can’t help him find a wife.
Former Globetrotter Christon takes Becca out to shoot some hoops and actually dunks overtop her head, and since the women I know all love being teabagged on a first date, this was definitely the move. While a group of dudes start playing ball after seeing Becca and Christon outside, the beginning of this season’s man drama starts brewing.
As mentioned in the breakdown of the contestants, both Chris and Chase are from Orlando – and as I predicted, they know each other. Turns out that one of Chase’s exes texted Chris following Chase’s appearance on After the Final Rose, warning him that Chase may not be coming on the show for the right reasons. Well, shit.
As any normal, adult male under the influence of alcohol and a convincing producer would do, Chris decides to call Chase out on this alleged text message. Although Chase assures Chris that his intentions are as pure as the driven snow, he is apparently so afraid of the content of this message that he decides to “get ahead of it” and come clean to Becca. What the actual fuck is happening right now? This is a reality show, not a grand jury.
Instead of having a normal conversation with Becca, Chase tells her about the content of a text message that he’s never read. When he can’t provide her with any additional information about the warning from his ex, he brings Chris over to tell her what the message said. This is some Grade A kindergarten level tattletale bullshit, and I fucking love it. It took like six hours for these dudes to start imploding like the Hindenburg and I couldn’t be happier.
With the echoes of “right reasons” and “unclear intentions” swirling around in her head, Becca decides to take some time to talk to her fellow Minnesotan, Jake. As it turns out, Becca and Jake have the same group of friends back home and have met on multiple occasions. While Jake tells her he only remembers meeting her at a Christmas party, Becca assures him that they had met on more than one occasion prior to that. Given those circumstances, Becca tells him she doesn’t understand why he would come on to her season of The Bachelorette as a contestant when he could have easily pursued a relationship with her outside of the show at home.
Jake started to backpedal, unable to answer Becca’s questions, so I took the liberty of outlining a few possible scenarios:
– Becca’s friends at home are hotter than her and Jake was trying to smash them instead of her
– Every time Jake met Becca he was too drunk to remember her
Actually those are probably the only explanations. Jake tries to reassure Becca, saying, “I’ve actually had a very transformative year, and if we met in a bar in Minneapolis as two single people now, I think things would be very different now.” If Becca’s fuckboy alarm wasn’t going off before, it was screeching like a five alarm fire now.
“Thanks for coming Jake, but you should go back home,” Becca tells him. Damn, she doesn’t mess around. One dude down, folks; twenty-six more to go.
Also, without further adieu, Becca gives Garrett her First Impression rose and he gives her the first make out sesh of the season. I guess she’s into that minivan life.
With Jake gone and Garrett already holding a rose, the remaining nineteen roses (Jesus H.) go to:
– Lincoln – Cake
– Blake – Horse and ox dude
– Rickey – I have nothing to say about Rickey
– Jean Blanc – Colognoisseur (insert eye roll emoji)
– Christon – Globetrotter, teabagger
– Clay – NFL player, very sensitive
– Wills – No longer a closet nerd, just a regular nerd
– Connor – Team #DoTheDamnThing
– Jason – Secret handshake bro
– John – Cash me outside, Venmo dude
– Ryan – Banjo Kazooie
– Alex – Serial Killer Smile
– Nick – Lawyer
– Trent – Literally dead dude. Except not, because he’s not literally literally dead
– Colton – First out of limo, likely power player
– David – Chicken Little
– Jordan – Not Hansel
– Leo – Khal Drogo
– Mike – Goldilocks
– Chris – Snitches get stiches, Chris
That means that in addition to Jake, we’re also saying goodbye to Grocery Store Joe, Kamil the misogynist, Grant with the
forefivehead, Christian the ???, Darius, and Chase with the bad intentions.
The episode ends with a montage of scenes from the upcoming episodes, and contrary to my initial thoughts, it seems like this season has a lot of promise. Same time next week, friends. See you then..
Image via ABC / YouTube