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Alright folks. Did you miss me? Even though it seems like we just watched Becca Kufrin’s heart, dreams, and future happiness get decimated at the hands of Arie Luyendyk on the most recent season of The Bachelor, it turns out the fastest way to get over someone is to get underneath someone else. Lucky for Becca, ABC grew a conscience and felt a little bit guilty about milking the unedited footage of Arie dumping her ass for ratings, so they named her as the next Bachelorette and provided twenty-eight
pieces of man meat eligible gentlemen for her to ride like Seabiscuit fall in love and do the damn thing! Just kidding – that shit is already old. Do better, producers. Let’s break it down:
Alex, 31, Construction Manager, Atlanta, GA
He smiles like a serial killer. Next.
Blake, 28, Sales Rep, Bailey, CO
Blake was one of the dudes who showed up to meet Becca during After the Final Rose approximately 20 minutes after her ex-fiancé Arie proposed to his ex-girlfriend Lauren B., so I’m sure Becca was in a super great place emotionally when this chode rolled up with an actual horse in tow. We learn from his casting photo that he likes to button his top button, which I get is a thing now, but still makes me hate him a little bit. Despite all this, I feel like he may stick around for a while.
Chase, 27, Advertising VP, Sanford, FL
Chase is from Sanford, FL, which is like Orlando, except shittier. He was apparently one of the dudes on ATFR, although I have no recollection of his interaction with Becca, so it must have been fairly normal. He played college baseball, so at least we already know he has a small penis from all those ‘roids.
Chris, 30, Sales Trainer, Orlando, FL
If Chris and Chase didn’t already know each other, I’m sure in post-Bachelorette life we’ll see them making appearances all over Central Florida to cash in on their fifteen minutes of fame. His bio says he’s a sales trainer; since he lives in Orlando, I’m going to assume that he teaches people how to trick tourists into buying timeshares, which I’d wager is a step up from tricking the tourists yourself. Dream big there, buddy.
Christian, 28, Banker, San Diego, CA
I don’t know what to make of Christian. He’s a retired semi-professional soccer player who moved to the US from Mexico at the age of three. My guess is he’ll either go home the first night or he’ll be one of those dudes that flies under the radar and manages to stick around for an inexplicably long time. No middle ground.
Christon, 31, Former Harlem Globetrotter, Los Angeles, CA
This is the first year that contestant bios haven’t included contestant’s height, and if we’re being honest, that is the only fact about Christon I want to know.
Clay, 30, Pro Football Player, Chicago, IL
Clay was drafted in 2010 and has played for the Eagles, Jags, Pats, Lions, and most recently was on IR for the Saints. Hopefully he’s better at committing to women than teams.
Colton, 26, Former Pro Football Player, Denver, CO
Colton dated Aly Raisman, so honestly, this is probably a downgrade for him.
Connor, 25, Fitness Coach, St. Petersburg, FL
As it turns out, Connor is also a former professional baseball player, but unlike Clay and Colton was able to find a current job to list for his bio. Gold star, Connor. He’s younger than Becca, but he seems like a likable douche, so she’ll probably string him along for most of the season before he absolutely crushes it in Paradise.
Darius, 26, Pharmaceutical Sales Rep, Sherman Oaks, CA
When Darius was introduced to Becca on ATFR, he apologized to her “on behalf of my gender” which makes me think he’s the type of guy that puts up this very loyal and respectful façade but will also try to bang your ex the weekend after you break up. I don’t trust him.
David, 25, Venture Capitalist, Denver, CO
David seems like a pretentious twat who is going to spend a lot of time in the Bachelor Mansion talking about how much money he makes while simultaneously trying to avoid getting his ass beaten by all these former pro athletes.
Garrett, 29, Medical Sales Rep, Reno, NV
Medical sales reps are usually total bros, so I could probably kick it with Garrett. His bio says in his spare time he likes to work on perfecting his Chris Farley impression, which is something I never knew I absolutely needed to see until this moment. Prayers to Chris Harrison that shit gets aired.
Grant, 27, Electrician, Danville, CA
Grant has the tallest forehead I’ve ever seen on a human. It’s shocking, really.
Jake, 29, Marketing Consultant, Minneapolis, MN
Jake has the widest forehead I’ve ever seen on a human.
Jason, 29, Sr. Corporate Banker, Seattle, WA
Jason has a normal sized forehead; however, his bio says one of his favorite activities is belting out his favorite Disney songs. That’s weird, right? Like I’m not crazy for thinking that’s super fucking strange, right? Just wanted to double check.
Jean Blanc, 31, Colognoisseur, Pensacola, FL
Yo Jean Blanc, colognoisseur is not a real thing, but I’d wager you already knew that. Speaking of wagers, I’d bet my left nut that Jean Blanc isn’t even your real name.
Joe, 31, Grocery Store Owner, Chicago, IL
Joe is a stock trader turned grocery store owner, which is a weird progression of career events. He’s a good-looking, Midwestern dude and seems like the combination of successful yet boring that Becca would really dig. Grocery store owners don’t leave their fiancés for blonde bimbos, you know?
John, 28, Software Engineer, San Francisco, CA
A software engineer that works at a startup in San Francisco? How original. The only thing I like about John is that he reminds me that I need to catch up on Silicon Valley.
Jordan, 26, Male Model, Crystal River, FL
Jordan looks like a dumber and less attractive version of Robbie Hayes. He does run a 4:24 mile, so at least he’s got that going for him.
Kamil, 30, Social Media Participant, Monroe, NY
Kamil is from Poland and moved to the US when he was five and for some reason, I feel like we’re going to end up with a Kristina Schulman-esque lipstick eating sob story. He also has a debilitating fear of spiders, something I’m sure the producers would never consider exploiting.
Leo, 31, Stuntman, Studio City, CA
Leo is the first of our contestants rocking some sweet flow, and judging by his picture his mane is either absolutely magnificent or fucking disgusting. No other options. He’ll stick around until Becca realizes that he’s prettier than her.
Lincoln, 26, Account Sales Executive, Los Angeles, CA
Lincoln met Becca at ATFR, where she was quite taken with his smooth accent. He grew up in Nigeria and then went to college in Kentucky, so we know he can deal with culture shock and moving into the mansion won’t phase him at all. Judging by the fact that Becca couldn’t form words when she met him, I’d wager he’ll be getting roses for quite a while.
Mike, 27, Sports Analyst, Cincinnati, OH
Mike is a sports analyst who went to Notre Dame, so apparently, his dome is good for more than just growing golden locks. His bio says that he likes festivals and horse racing, which I assume is a polite way of saying what he really likes are drugs and gambling.
Nick, 27, Attorney, Orlando, FL
What’s with this season and dudes from Orlando? Nick is a lawyer with an affinity for tracksuits, which is all I need to know about him. Also, his nose takes up 80% of his face.
Rickey, 27, IT Consultant, San Diego, CA
Rickey is looking for a woman who can keep up with the fast-paced lifestyle of his online personal training company and be his best friend first, and lover second. If that doesn’t get Becca wet, I don’t know what will. Just kidding, I’m actually barfing in my mouth. Fuck you, Rickey.
Ryan, 26, Banjoist, Manhattan Beach, CA
Ryan plays the banjo in his family’s bluegrass band, which almost sounds cool. If instead of giving out a First Impression rose we gave out a “Most Likely to Still be a Virgin” rose, it would go to Ryan.
Trent, 28, Realtor, Naples, FL
Even though Trent works as a realtor, he also dabbles in some modeling. He’s landed some lucrative contracts including grocery store romance novel covers. His parents must be so proud. Trent is totally here for the right reasons. Totally.
Wills, 29, Graphic Designer, Los Angeles, CA
Wills uses his bio to proclaim his love for Harry Potter and say that he hopes to “cast an enchanting spell” on Becca. I like Harry Potter as much as the next person, but don’t lead off with that shit. Do less Wills, do less.
That’s it – The Bachelorette premieres on Monday, May 28, so stock up on wine and snacks now. See you then. .