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It’s the moment the financial dominoes start to fall. You’ve mortgaged your entire life to get a ring. You’ve gotten permission from her father, because that’s still a thing that happens in 2017. You’ve had the thought of, “Well, it’s too late to start over and be single, so I guess we’re stuck with each other.”
You’re going to propose, and you need to scrounge up some dough to take pointless photos that’ll get thrown away once the wedding actually happens. And yes, we live in a world where guys pretty much have to do this. You don’t want to catch the wrath of their mom or sisters, so you have to go out of pocket and document the entire charade.
And per The Washingtonian, these are the six dumn must-have photos that your photographer must risk his life to get.
1. Photographs that capture the location and setting of the marriage proposal.
I fundamentally don’t understand how you even go about positioning a professional photographer in a public area without raising some red flags. But furthermore, I don’t need to be forking out an extra hour’s worth of pay because I want this photographer snapping landscape shots that no one cares about.
If you rank the things people care about in these photos, it goes as follows:
1. The Ring.
2. Her.
3. You.
…
…
…
724. Some random bench where a cool teen smoked weed the night before while staying out after curfew to rebel against his dad.
2. Photojournalistic images documenting the moments leading up to the ‘big question.’
If my girlfriend saw some dude crouched behind a bush in the park taking photos, she’d be on the line with someone at 911 before I had time to even say, “You know, we’ve been dating for a long time and…” Then, all of the sudden, the scenario goes from a proposal to a fucking Peeping Tom accusation.
But the main issue here isn’t even trying to camouflage some hipster with a Canon. How is the guy supposed to look natural when 1. There’s a professional camera pointed at him and 2. He’s about to make the biggest decision of his damn life? I’d probably be pitting out with worse shakes than after a Labor Day Weekend spent drink domestics for 72 straight hours.
3. On-bended knee photos (and the looks of amazement that quickly follow).
This has “I’m ugly crying, don’t you dare take a photo of me” written all over it. And that’s not even from the bride’s side. I cry every time Kathleen Kelly says, “I wanted it to be you,” so having my own moment like that is bound to bring out some tears.
And what if this entire situation isn’t the picture perfect scenario she’s always wanted? She just starts looking around wondering, “Why the fuck are you doing it here?” and starts signaling you to stand back up and act like the entire situation never happened. Then you’re out $1200 to some mustachioed turd trying to make a buck while he waits for his folk band to take off.
Sure, we can act like the receiver of the ring should be excited no matter the scenario, but girls don’t just start getting weekly manicures because they’re “chill” about getting engaged. They’ve played that scenario out more in their head than you ever played out Game 7 of the NBA Finals in your driveway.
4. When she/he says “YES!”
Uh, if the look on her face doesn’t say “yes” the second you start getting into the crouching tiger position, you’ve got issues, bud. I’m not saying she’s going to say “no,” but I am saying that if her face doesn’t say it first then you’re going to end up as another statistic in an Elite Daily column titled, “Why I Got Married Too Early.” And being on that website is never a good thing.
5. Celebratory photos of the couple.
This is the shot. The only shot where I’m like, “You know what, yeah, that’s probably the one you need.” But not because I want to frame it, get it tattooed on my back, or change it to my Facebook cover photo. It’s solely for her Instagram, and only her Instagram. And at the end of the day, the only reason these photos are being taken is for notoriety and likes.
You’re not posting the photo because *gasp* she’s already posted it, and everyone knows engagement photos are way more likable than wedding photos. We’re talking a fifty percent like-to-follower ratio here, guys. That’s a ratio you want. Triple digits. Sometimes quadruple. It’s the one time she’s guaranteed to outkick her coverage until she has a baby and you take a photo from the hospital.
6. The “Ring Shot” (otherwise known as the “bling shot”).
“Bling shot.” Barf.
The worst of them all. The most scrutinized photo in Instagram history. The one that’s screenshot and sent in every group text your friends have going. The one that leads to Google searches for pricing. The one that gets zoomed in on at group dinners and ripped to shreds if you fuck it up.
The absolute worst thing to happen to engagements was the zoom feature on Instagram because it officially exposes every single guy trying to save a buck by shaving off a half-carat. The best possible thing you can do is be the first to propose in your friend group because every guy doing it after has to one-up the people who preceded him.
But hey, at least she set her likes record. .
[via The Washingtonian]
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
Will is just trolling his girlfriend at this point.
@ me next time
7. Headband pic
Is this a precursor to next Wednesday’s TGDAG?
…
Fuck
^First thought that cane to my mind.
@JRHickey
Will, your girlfriend must be real annoyed reading all of these articles.
I’ve always wondered if writers’ SOs read their articles. It would be amusing if she actually comments on some of these.
I’ve always assumed they don’t. My wife doesn’t know what I do all day, nor care, so why would it be any different for Will / Dave / remote writers? It’s like assuming a comedian’s girlfriend goes to all his shows.
She reads, but there’s also a very large understanding of how seriously to take what I write.
I assume she holds on to every word as something to be treasured, the way a mother clutches her child in the shadow of Pompeii; a promise of what is soon to come.
as pro-wedding as i am, i am vehemently anti-proposal and especially anti-proposal pictures. toss me the ring in a dive bar and say “are we doing this or what?” then buy me another pitcher. i’ll call my parents in the morning and instagram in a week.
Sup?
*raises pitcher from the end of said bar
I didn’t realize how badly I wanted that exact scenario until now
agreed!!
Really glad this article was filled with the cynicism I felt when reading the title.
Will, do you have a girlfriend?
pretty soon Will will have a fiancee
If not then Will will be single pretty soon
Negotiate an iron clad prenup. Believe me.
Pre-nuptial agreements are not iron clad. If you or your family have real money use a domestic asset protection trust. Lock those clam$ up for generations.
This post made me honestly never want to get engaged, ever