In today’s dating landscape, there are a lot of reasons to not keep dating someone. With the advent of apps like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, and the others no one uses, there are so many options out there that people are becoming more and more willing to cut a match short over their “deal breakers.” Now, I’m not one to have a hard and fast rule when it comes to attributes that would totally disqualify a lady from dating me (in part because I can’t afford to cut off part of the dating pool when it’s the size of a small puddle), but I get it. People want to be efficient with their dates, and not waste time on people who they lack compatibility with.
This rapid-fire approach to dating has now intersected with the new “foodie” wave that has cropped up over the last five years. I’m a man who enjoys some good food, but I’m not nearly as crazy as some of these people who said they would or would not continue dating someone based on their dietary preferences. Completely cutting off someone simply because you have different tastes is a little much. However, I do understand that some people are so passionate about food that fundamentally different diets can cause problems in a relationship. Some of these concerns I sympathize with, but others are just straight insanity.
“Candy corn has a very special place in my heart. It’s been my favorite candy for as long as I can remember, and so I think if I met someone who vehemently disliked it, I would have to end the date.”
I know I am in the minority on this opinion, but candy corn is delicious. I don’t know if it’s just because it’s available around Halloween, my favorite holiday, but too many people speak ill of this treat and I won’t stand for it. You don’t have to love it, but don’t sit there judging me as I’ve consumed my third family-size bag before Columbus Day.
“Picky eaters. I eat everything, and I hope the person I’m dating would at least be open to trying things out instead of saying, ‘Nah.’”
100% on board with this one. It’s surprising, I know, because most people would peg me for a pretty picky eater given my cautious and anxious nature. But when it comes to food, I’m very adventurous. I’ve eaten snake, crocodile, and reindeer in my life without batting an eyelid, and I’m always looking to try new types of cuisine. Someone who is raring to try some new restaurant that just opened up, even if they’re serving fried tarantula, is a big turn-on. Basically, if I do ever end up on Survivor or Amazing Race, I got the gross food challenges on lock.
“If we ever decide to order pizza and you suggest Little Caesars, you’re automatically canceled.”
The worst three pizza chains in America are, in order: Little Caesar’s, Pizza Hut, Sbarro. Oh, you’re crying because I don’t have Papa John’s on there? Well, enjoy being wrong. PJs is passable if not above average, with its use of real ingredients like tomatoes and cheese. Pizza Hut, meanwhile, is the equivalent of pouring ketchup over a layer of nacho cheese on a flour tortilla and then baking it for some random amount of time.
“I have no patience when a guy tries to be my match in the kitchen or backseat drive my meal. Let me throw down in the kitchen and show you why I’m a kickass cook, you know?”
One of the cardinal rules amongst men when it comes to grilling is never to backseat grill. I don’t care if he never turns the hot dogs or grills them until they’re so black that they generate their own gravity. It’s his grill, and you will eat those goddamn things with gratitude to him for feeding you. So I’m totally on board with extending the rule into the kitchen as well. Unless it’s a couple cooking activity or something, whoever wears the apron has final and total control.
“I do think it would be very hard for me to date someone who doesn’t drink and also someone who doesn’t eat something in a broad category, like carbs or meat. Mostly just because it would be hard to enjoy meals together.”
I get not wanting to date someone who doesn’t eat carbs or meat, but I wouldn’t totally shut them down. A lot of people do it for health, reasons and if they don’t make me deprive myself then whatever. Someone who doesn’t want to eat fruit or veggies is a little more concerning because that means you have the palate of a toddler and/or won’t even try to pretend to eat healthily. And obviously, someone who does not drink is a non-starter. Trust me, this rule is more for your benefit than mine.
“I could never deal with someone who thinks they are too good for a Hot Pocket.”
I’d go off on a rant here but instead, I’d advise you to watch Jim Gaffigan’s stand-up on Hot Pockets for a sampling of my opinion. Once upon a time, I was a regular Hot Pocket eater. Then I turned 14 and learned what real food tastes like. Have some dignity, man.
“If you don’t fuck with avocados heavily, we can just end it immediately.”
Who doesn’t like avocados? It’s a healthy fat and a main component of guacamole. People wonder why I so consistently eat at Chipotle, and 75% of the reason is their guacamole. If you told me they added crack to their guac, I wouldn’t even question it or stop adding it to my order. It could be $100 extra for guac, I’m goddamn getting it.
“I could never date someone who liked fruit of any kind for dessert. If it contains fruit, for the love of God, it’s not dessert. It’ll be our last date if you pass on chocolate for cobbler.”
At first, I thought this person was saying that they can’t stand someone who considers fruit on its own as a dessert, and I was sort of on board, but then I re-read the quote. This is just insanity. Fruit is fucking delicious, and depriving yourself of cobbler, pie, shortcake, or sherbert is dumb. Hell, I’d take fresh fruit with a little ice cream or whipped cream and say that’s a fine dessert on its own. It’s one thing to want a legitimate dessert, but it’s another to be so averse to healthy foods that you wouldn’t even consider fruit as a part of your dessert.
“I don’t like people who don’t like sweet potato fries.”
I like this person. And sweet potato fries.
Now, after some thought and consideration, I do concede that I have one food-related “deal breaker.” I won’t say that this is a hard and fast rule, such as the “6 foot and over” height restriction so many women on Tinder have, but it can make or break in borderline cases. I will never be able to accept someone who believes that Chicago-style pizza is better than New York-style.
This is not a debate or discussion. This is like meeting a flat-earther; you’re simply not accepting proven facts. And saying this to my family, who is entirely New York/New Jersey natives, would be borderline treasonous. Like we’ll deport you to Canada via trebuchet.
And before you ask, yes I have tried deep dish pizza. I tried to pick it up and fold it. When I was unable to do so, I became infuriated that I was lied to and not given pizza. However, I will admit that tomato soup in a bread bowl wasn’t half bad though. .
[via Food & Wine]