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I’ll be the first one to admit it: I had a shit-ton of fun in college. Like, a lot. I drank a lot, smoked a lot, did the sex a lot, and danced on any raised surface my then (#RIP) size two ass could climb on top of. Looking back, I feel like I fucking rocked college. I rocked its ass off. In fact, my only regret about school is that I was a moron who decided to go through in three years. Three years. Who does that? Morons. That’s who.
Sometimes I get depressed when I remember that I’m no longer in school, because being in college is the literal best thing in the world. You get to be carefree and wasted all the time. You get to eat whatever you want and drink whatever you want and sleep with anyone you want, because somehow, your body rejects both weight gain and diseases. You get to have bar tabs that cost a whopping $11. You get to sleep all day and party all night. You get to be an absolute dumb ass–and people applaud you for it. Like, “Yo. You hear about that Megan chick? She threw up NINE times last night, and then she did a line of coke with her TA and slept with the dean!” And people would be all, “Yo. Megan is the fucking TITS. I LOVE Megan.”
Yeah. Now that doesn’t happen.
Now we have bills and boyfriends and taxes and parents who are getting really tired of us asking for money. Now we actually have to wake up early and go to bed early and pay attention to something called “points” when it comes to food. Because now we gain weight. Oh, we gain it all. And Megan? Well. Megan’s just a whore. In fact, you’re pretty sure she’s the one who spread HPV around your apartment complex. Thanks a lot, Patient Zero.
This is why when life gets you down, your jeans don’t fit, and your new status as Megan’s Eskimo sister means you have to book an emergency gyno appointment, you need a pick-me-up. And because we can’t all be #blessed with Xanax prescriptions, sometimes that pick-me-up has to come in the form of nature’s oldest medicine: sex with hookers laughter.
Enter: Dirty Rush.
Dirty Rush is, by far, the most insane, absurd, ridiculous, LOL-worthy piece of written word about college life to come out since the infamous “cunt punt” email by Rebecca Martinson. Who, not so coincidentally, wrote the foreword to the book. Dirty Rush centers around (and is written by) Taylor Bell, a college freshman who pledges a sorority and experiences the typical (and not so typical) trials and tribulations that go with pledging Greek life…and navigating through the first year of school.
Bell’s account of her freshman year is so detailed, so over-the-top, and so utterly crazy that we can’t help but view her as our new idol. She’s everything you were in college…plus a little more. She’ll make you cringe, make you scream, and make you book the next ticket back to your alma mater.
Read “Tequila, Lime Juice, and Adderall,” the first chapter of Dirty Rush and see what we mean. The book in it’s entirety will be available on Jan. 13. .
Respond
Catie Warren
Catie struggles with adulthood and has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with PGP, Catie was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co
@catie__warren
@catie__warren
No thank you.
Hard pass.
Such insight and moving analysis, Catie. This book is clearly the War and Peace of our generation. Bravo.
I’ll buy the book if you can prove you were a size two.
Why not just call it the TSM novel and capitalize on name recognition?
God dammit.
Tough crowd.