21 Power Moves You Can Pull At The Company Christmas Party

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Yuletide greetings and holiday blessings. Here’s to a phat bottom line in 2014…

1. Bring a tupperware container to the party, fill it with three pounds of potluck fare and leave without saying anything to anyone.
2. Commandeer the karaoke mic and only play Mannheim Steamroller and Tran-Siberian Orchestra, vocalizing the guitar riffs.
3. Make an uncomfortable amount of “yuletide log” jokes.
4. Make an uncomfortable amount of “naughty or nice” jokes.
5. Chloroform the office Santa, hide his body in a closet and take over for him.
6. Bring up “The War on Christmas” and debate it loudly.
7. Wear cowboy boots with the Santa costume.
8. Pass out from drinking too much and just call it a “long winter’s nap.”
9. Put coal in all of the intern’s stockings with a note that says, “Fuck you.”
10. Say, “Come sit on Santa’s lap,” even if you aren’t wearing the Santa costume.
11. Refer to all of your overweight coworkers as “jolly.”
12. Buy your boss a bottle of liquor you he can’t afford.
13. Spike the eggnog with molly, just to see what happens.
14. Give HR the DX “Suck it!” motion when they ask you to stop telling female coworkers to sing “Santa Baby.”
15. Play “Christmas Shoes” then destroy the stereo with a baseball bat and shout “WHO PLAYED IT?!”
16. Call out anyone who isn’t drunk for being a Grinch.
17. Drop a “Look what ya did, you little jerk!” after spilling holiday punch on someone’s kid.
18. Buy a pound of black licorice for White Elephant.
19. Be very detailed when disclosing your New Year’s Eve plans.
20. Pass out in the Santa costume.
21. 

Editor’s note: Some, if not all of these will get you fired and ruin your company’s party.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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