21 Power Moves You Can Pull In Your New Year’s Resolutions

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2014 is your year.

  1. Red meat. Every meal.
  2. Call your friends and family once a week to tell them how well you’re doing.
  3. Travel more, but only to places that are known for drugs and/or an abundance of prostitutes.
  4. Get someone else to record your voicemail message so it sounds like you have a secretary.
  5. Steal a hangover cure from the internet and claim it as your own.
  6. Do less drugs.
  7. Do more expensive drugs.
  8. Find a great barber and stick with him/her.
  9. Have multiple, overlapping sexual relationships.
  10. Use your iPad for things other than coke and Candy Crush.
  11. Successfully hit on a girl at the gym.
  12. Learn how to use a straight razor and don’t kill yourself in the process.
  13. Don’t let #Lioning die.
  14. Buy an expensive animal print for your bedroom to let your lady callers know what you’re all about.
  15. Tell people you’re “crushing it at work” and actually mean it.
  16. Start showing up to work early so you can leave early.
  17. Stop asking for “The Draper” and start asking for “The Frank Underwood” when getting a haircut.
  18. Get to work on that ponzi scheme. It’s better to live like a king for 10 years and go to prison for the rest of your life than to never live like a king at all.
  19. Start writing a blog and call it your “memoirs.”
  20. Send more NSFW emails.
  21. patrick-bateman-thinner-better-gif

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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