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Yuletide greetings and holiday blessings. Here’s to a phat bottom line in 2014…
- Bring a tupperware container to the party, fill it with three pounds of potluck fare and leave without saying anything to anyone.
- Commandeer the karaoke mic and only play Mannheim Steamroller and Tran-Siberian Orchestra, vocalizing the guitar riffs.
- Make an uncomfortable amount of “yuletide log” jokes.
- Make an uncomfortable amount of “naughty or nice” jokes.
- Chloroform the office Santa, hide his body in a closet and take over for him.
- Bring up “The War on Christmas” and debate it loudly.
- Wear cowboy boots with the Santa costume.
- Pass out from drinking too much and just call it a “long winter’s nap.”
- Put coal in all of the intern’s stockings with a note that says, “Fuck you.”
- Say, “Come sit on Santa’s lap,” even if you aren’t wearing the Santa costume.
- Refer to all of your overweight coworkers as “jolly.”
- Buy your boss a bottle of liquor
youhe can’t afford.
- Spike the eggnog with molly, just to see what happens.
- Give HR the DX “Suck it!” motion when they ask you to stop telling female coworkers to sing “Santa Baby.”
- Play “Christmas Shoes” then destroy the stereo with a baseball bat and shout “WHO PLAYED IT?!”
- Call out anyone who isn’t drunk for being a Grinch.
- Drop a “Look what ya did, you little jerk!” after spilling holiday punch on someone’s kid.
- Buy a pound of black licorice for White Elephant.
- Be very detailed when disclosing your New Year’s Eve plans.
- Pass out in the Santa costume.
Editor’s note: Some, if not all of these will get you fired and ruin your company’s party.