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I’ll never forget the first time I heard it.
“So what’s your major?”
I was standing in line for some piece of shit “bar” a mere four hours after my parents released me into wild. Someone a few spots ahead of me in line had just spewed into a flower pot. I hadn’t even stepped foot into Sociology 101 and people are asking me what my major is? Not to be outdone, others around chimed in with things like “pre-med,” “pre-law,” “aerospace engineering” and the like. If I had a dollar for every person that said they’d be a doctor or lawyer, I’d be quite a bit closer to being free of my student loans.
Sadly, this was the first of many times I’d hear this throwaway bullshit question and I wasn’t even in the Greek system yet. The number of times I heard one of my dipshit brothers lead off with this limp dick introduction made my eyes spin in my head so much I looked like one of those slot machines when someone hits all 7s. One of the happiest things about graduating was that I never thought I’d have to deal with this sore excuse for small talk ever again. But, like everything else, people tend to go with what they know and stay the course.
Nowadays, the modern equivalency of “What’s your major?” is “So what do you do?” I’m not sure what happened in my childhood that made me this way but I can feel a seismic energy in my very being whenever someone asks me this. My best guess is that people only want to ask so I will respond in kind and they can tell me all about their stupid job that I simply don’t care about. Most people only wait for the other person to stop talking so that they can. People that talk about their job or work or 401k or whatever are plain awful. It’s a crutch for those that are uninteresting and have nothing else exciting in their lives to offer up.
When people ask me what I do, I usually do my halfway decent Hank Hill voice and respond, “I work with low-income pregnant women and low-income pregnant women accessories.” This is the best tl;dr of what I am currently employed to do. I don’t want to talk about work because I am not currently being paid to work. I don’t have my work email on my phone and I don’t want to think about work for one second that I am not there. Answering this way usually throws people off, like when you ask someone how they are and you give any answer besides “I’m good, how are you?”
What do you get out of asking someone what their employment is? Do you get some sort of insight or thin slice them? Do you figure them out by asking this magic bullet of a question? I hate people who act like their job is the alpha and omega of their existence. We ask 18-year-olds to go pick a major and incur mass debt, all to get this thing called a “job” to pay off the education you needed for the job. It’s kind of fucked up if you think about it. Then, you get some dickhead asking you what you do. That thing that makes you have to pretend to be a team player, go-getter and company man/woman. What fucking for?
The most fucked up part about this entire thought process is one can center their existence around their 9-5 and with a stroke of a pen, you’re back at square one. Your company doesn’t give a single shit about you, they care about paying their employee as little as humanly possible to get as much work out of a poor sap as they can.
We’re born into a cage and we don’t even realize it. You ever notice when a tiger is in captivity, gets fed regularly and no one is trying to kill it, it still gets out and wants to do tiger shit? As Americans, we are naturally overworked. The best part is that we do it with a fucking smile on our faces. I’m not anti-work; I’ve been working since before I was legally able to as my family’s business had very lax labor laws. What I am saying is that it’s high time we stop being all about work and spend more time with friends and family. We work ourselves to death and sacrifice anything meaningful, defining ourselves by an obligation rather than what makes life enjoyable.
In the end, I guess it won’t matter. We’ll never have Social Security and I’ll likely work until I’m old. I’m sure that in 30 years, whatever the future’s version of millennial will be writing this same damn article. Time is a flat circle. A wise man once said, “You can wait for a lifetime. To spend your days in the sunshine. You might as well do the white line.” .
Respond
Madoff
I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.
@BLMInvestment
Man, fucking thank you. I haven’t even read the article but I love it. When I’m out having a good time or trying to make new friends the last thing I want to do is explain my shitty job and shitty job title
I’m sorry I embarrassed you in front of the kid.
I just respond with ‘boring computer stuff’ and don’t return the question. It’s the adult equivalent of asking what your major is and such a boring conversation every time. Unless you’re like an astronaut or a hooker, I doubt you have work stories I want to hear.
Article: Ranking the best conversation starters
Love it, Madoff. I actually have personal rule on this when meeting someone new: If that person asks what you do within their first 3 questions they are usually not a person worth talking to in the first place.
That’s pretty reasonable. Microsoft went down 3 points, we gotta save some money
Never mind someone who’s just trying to get acquainted with someone else over a harmless attempt for synergies
Madoff coming in hot with another real one
A little while ago I came across an article claiming in france it is considered boring to ask about someone’s work, so I started asking people what they do for fun. Turns out most people watch Netflix for fun.
I also hate this question
Holy shit Madoff, yes yes yes. There are so many more interesting things about people than what they do to pay their fucking bills.
Like asking if they are a dog person or a cat person
Or if they go breeder or adoption for said cat/dog
Or if they want to live near the ocean or lake
Don’t do it.
No, definitely do it. #GoldendoodleOwnet
And then the follow up of “do you enjoy what you do?”
“That must be rewarding”
Ha if they had any idea… Don’t wanna sound like an asshole though.
This is on par with “oh, never heard of it.” Yeah, didn’t expect you to be an expert in brokerage firms.
That last paragraph though…you doing ok?
Almost sounded like Nevid guest wrote that last paragraph
You’ve never seen us in the same room before…
He’s probably doing GREAT for another 15-20 mins before he has to head to the bathroom again
I’ll do the work for you. It’s from one of my favorite bands called Cigarettes and Alcohol and this is the best live version
That sure is a song.
Ya gotta make it happen
I’ll probably still panic and ask it though…
Start with marry, fuck, kill. It’ll give you a quick answer of whether we’re gonna be friends or not