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“Todddddddddd,” she drew out. “Lemme see your phone.”
Todd sighed before readjusting on the couch. She didn’t realize it, but he was following a baseball game through his ESPN App while she watched an episode of Giada In Italy for what felt like the hundredth time.
Todd looked up at her briefly before his eyes shot back down to his phone. “Just one sec,” he told her.
“Toddddddddddddddddddd,” she drew out even more. “Cooooome onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.”
He looked up, both annoyed and exasperated. “What’s so important that I have to give you my phone right this very moment?”
As her fingers feverishly texted, she responded without actually looking up and making eye contact. “Apparently Victoria posted a really ugly Instagram and we have a side text going about it — no one will screenshot it for me and I’d look myself but her Insta is private.”
“I…” Todd began before finally clearing the baseball game from his app. “Here you go.”
He tilted his head back and stared at the ceiling while she asked him where he kept his Instagram app on his home screen. He blankly told her that she could find it in his “Photography” folder which she was surprised he even had. Seconds after opening it, she began cackling. Still laughing 30 seconds later, she went back to side texting all of her friends outside of Victoria.
“Can I see my phone again?” Todd asked nicely (but somewhat annoyed).
Still looking down at her phone rather than at him, she brushed him off with a, “Yeah, one sec.”
Todd wasn’t so much annoyed that she was using his Instagram solely because she had deleted hers. He also wasn’t annoyed that he was phoneless. If anything, his frustration came from having two-hundred dollars on a game that he had no way of watching during its most pivotal outs.
Just as he leaned forward to grab the remote, she snapped at him.
“No,” she said, “Do not change the channel. She hasn’t made the butternut squash tortellini yet.”
“I just need to wat—”
“No, Todd,” she interrupted. “This stupid Apple TV app won’t even let me fast forward so we have to watch now.”
Todd slightly turned around and looked out the window in hopes someone in an apartment close to them had the game on. About five seconds into his voyeurism, he began to realize the absurdity of what he was trying to do. Standing up from the couch, he headed to the kitchen for what he originally thought would be a glass of water but soon would switch into a whiskey-water.
Still laughing from her spot on their sectional, she was switching between phones as if one was her work phone (which obviously wasn’t the case). Todd looked from afar and noticed her taking a screenshot of Victoria’s post which she soon texted to herself. Thinking this was his opportunity to get his phone back, he walked back to the couch with his newly made cocktail and snagged his phone while en route.
“Todd!” she yelled at him. “I wasn’t done!”
He quickly swiped down to see if he had an alert for the game. “Fuck,” he yelled to himself, but seemingly to her.
“Ummmmm, rude,” she told him.
“No, no, I’m sorry, babe,” he apologized while leaning over to put his hand on her leg. She quickly jerked away while he attempted to explain that the Dodgers had lost. It wasn’t until he said the team by name that he realized what he’d done.
Somewhat understanding that she wasn’t the one being yelled it, she asked, “Wait, why do you care about the Dodgers? Aren’t they from L.A.?”
“I, uh,” he stuttered.
“You’re betting again, aren’t you?” she snapped.
Todd was, in fact, betting again. He knew it, she knew it. But, he didn’t really care.
“I mean, yeah,” he tried to explain. “I have a little money on the game but nothing serious, I—”
She cut him off again.
“An eye for an eye, Todd,” she said while casually going back to side texting about Victoria’s photo. “Mama’s gonna start buying Maple Water from Whole Foods again.”
It was the one thing Todd did not want to hear. As trivial as it was, he had no explanation for why buying Maple Water from Whole Foods pissed him off so much. Deep down, he could understand coconut water. After all, it had cured several of his hangovers. But Maple Water? Maple Water? It was just such a waste of money in his eyes.
“Goddammi—” he began before calming himself. “Okay, fine. You can buy Maple Water with the money I win sports betting. That works for me.”
“That’s not even funny, Todd.”
“I know it’s not, I’d rather spend it on a trip or something but if you want to keep buying Maple Waters, keep buying Maple Waters.”
Trips were her weakness. Todd never wanted to take them because of vacation time at work, but he knew she’d jump at the chance to take one if he gave her even an inch. He sat on the couch and watched her squirm. He could tell she wanted to ask, “What kind of trip?” but was too proud to actually do so.
After gathering herself, she simply slinked back into place and kept texting. Todd felt as though he’d won but still didn’t get the comfort and satisfaction at winning. He had a feeling that this would eventually come back to bite him.
With the show ending on the television (and the tortellini being made while they argued), Todd asked if she wanted to restart it or if he could change the channel.
“Whatever you want, babe,” she told him quietly.
“Well what are you going to do the rest of the night?” he asked.
“Oh, so now you care about me? Okay. I’ll just be over here checking my Instagram for the first time in a week since I don’t want to bother you for your phone anymore.” .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
WTF is maple water?
Is it like sugar water?
Glad I wasn’t the only one.
Bullshit. I bet Nestle produces it.
SWEET JESUS, it costs $2.31 for 12 ounces. 12 ounces of regular bottled water costs $0.18
Disgusting is what it is.
How DARE Todd attempt to put limits on how Girl spends his money! #patriarchy
you read that disaster of an article from Washington Post too?
nope.
I don’t know if I hate Girl more for how insufferable she is or Todd for not ever dumping her.
It’s never too late for Todd to dump her.
But the fact that he hasn’t? Todd knew exactly what he is getting into, he deserves our scorn.
I guess I’m the only one who’s not giving up on Todd.
@Will – When’s Tyler coming back to enlighten Todd
I see Todd’s spiral to depression fueled alcoholism is nearing
This- is Todd going to hit rock bottom and get out? Or just the bottom of the bottle?
What about MY depression from reading this?
When I first started following this site, I made a point to go back and read every tgdag so I’d be all caught up. With that said, I genuinely can’t remember a time when Girl has been portrayed as a more insufferable person.
Here’s a way to make it worse- instead of picturing Girl as an affluent smokeshow with a neutral accent, picture her as a morbidly obese girl with f-ed up skin and a hillbilly accent, lounging on a gross, stained couch in some rundown trailer park in West Virginia.
I once thought someone should write a version of TGDAG but from a military dependapotamus point of view. But the problem with that is it’d be way too realistic/meta. All the jokes would write themselves.
Dude, I’m a vet and I witnessed so much horrible behavior from that crowd. deFries could never write it because he’s never been there, but if someone found the right writer, it would be awesome. Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog have some awesome takes on the dependa demographic.
Nice! I’m just a POG reservist. The other problem is this site’s military demographic. Since we’re “Post GRAD Problems,” any military grad is at least E4 with quick promotion and less susceptible to dumb shit like buying a Camaro at 35% interest. I’d still be interested in having the dependa story written out.
My husband is an E4 and the spouses chill with are working women, but oh my god the dependas are the woooorst. Not to mention the facebook groups they’ve created to talk shit and stir drama around base. I might write.
well, being a military spouse IS “the toughest job in the army”.
start writing.
I’m not a military guy but I would totally read that. I know a few girls from high school that turned out like that.
Duffel Blog needs to write this series or I think I’m gonna have to quit reading it
When she insisted on buying a brand new Range Rover to replace the 2 year old Range Rover. This is a close second though.
Like I actually cringed when I read the start of that tortellini bullshit
Todd should skip breaking up and go straight to murder. A jury would only need to read about 10 of these to acquit.
“Chronicles of Todd: On Trial” would be a great read
“It was so surprising your honor, she locked herself in the trunk of my car and shot herself 15 times”
Nah, Todd would be a strangler. No mess and it would finally get her to shut up.
Every week I read TGDAG, I think Girl can’t get any worse. And yet somehow deFries always delivers.
How Girl refers to herself as “Mama” never stops disturbing me
First she takes his balls then she takes his phone. V healthy relationship.
Surprised she new what city the Dodgers were from