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Does anyone use Facebook anymore? Sure, you throw up milestone statuses like graduations, new jobs, and moves to new cities, but that’s mostly just so your extended family knows you’re still alive and not addicted to drugs (at least not publicly). I don’t think I’ve commented on someone’s timeline since Kony 2012 was a real concern. So it seems all of the youths these days are consuming their social media on Instagram. But we also post some ridiculous things on there that I really don’t want to see anymore.
Ever since Vine went bankrupt and Snapchat messed up their stories, Instagram has really taken off. Personally, Instagram is taking up an average of 25% of my daily phone battery consumption, which means I use Instagram a lot. This is partially because I’m a meme god, and even though all of you are meme plebeians in comparison, I’d bet that Instagram is in your top three. And why shouldn’t it? Coverage of the Royal Wedding was great, highlights of the NBA Playoffs allow me to skip the games and catch the good parts, and competition between influencers and meme pages means news breaks on Insta with lightning fast speed. Plus, since your ma and pa stay on Facebook, we all feel more comfortable posting pictures of anything we want. While this concept has brought us “free the nipple” posts (team #FreeTheNipple), it also means all your peers from your past lives that you still follow will regularly post some questionable and cringe-worthy content.
No one ever really officially learns what to post. It’s kind of a trial and error throughout your life to see what people like and what people don’t, as you slowly become a normal person. Some people just don’t get the hint, though. Well into adulthood, they’ll keep on posting these things that make me what to rip my eyes out. So I thought I’d make a passive-aggressive list of posts I really shouldn’t be seeing on Instagram from my friends anymore.
Musical.ly
Musical.ly is an app you can use to create videos of yourself lip-syncing to songs. It was probably Steve Jobs’ vision for his technology when he first got started in his California garage. Young children who idolize Woah Vicky and Lil Tay mostly use it, but sometimes full-grown adults will post them too. I’ve seen non-ironic musical.ly posts from an adult who was married to another adult, which is something that keeps me awake. I have no problem with kids who post these because they don’t know any better and they’re wildly entertaining. But if you’re old enough to get a mortgage, I shouldn’t be seeing this from you on my feed. Check out this musical.ly compilation and question everything.
Multi-Pic Text Posts
Black screen, and white text. Lots and lots of text. We’ve all seen these before. Whether it’s politics or subtweet-style emotional drama, some people just can’t help themselves from typing over pictures of darkness and just spewing their boring opinions onto a slideshow Instagram post. You might be saying, “spewing boring opinions, huh? Isn’t that what you’re doing with this article?” Well, first of all, shut up. Secondly, yes I am preaching my opinions, but you came here knowing that you’d see these opinion pieces, and you clicked on this article specifically to read it. I don’t log onto Instagram to read someone’s emotional rant about how “you really think you know someone but you don’t” or “no matter how much you give and give, some people just never give back.” I don’t want to see your rants cluttering up my feed. I want to see Shrek memes and swimsuit models. If you want to complain about something, call your mom. She probably is waiting for you to call anyway.
Only Group Pics
This one isn’t as bad as the others but I’ve noticed that some people only post group pictures of them with their friends at a bar. The same group of people with the classic “arms around each other smiling” pose. It doesn’t really bother me, but don’t you have hobbies or whatever? Show us what you do in your free time. Be confident in yourself, my guy! Post a pic of just you doing something that doesn’t have to do with drinking. Make sure a girl takes it. A girl should take it because they know the best angles/framing/lighting, and they’re not afraid to take more pictures if the first few are bad.
Only [Insert Literally Anything] Pics
You know what? That goes for anyone who only posts about one thing: nature shots, food, your baby, your dog, cocktails, fingernails, only golf, only fishing, only hunting, only brunch, etc. The list goes on forever. Sprinkle some other stuff in there. I know you’re doing more than one thing.
Photoshoot Deja Vu
So you went on a photoshoot. You got some outfits together, got a photographer, drove to a location, and took a whole mess of cute pics. I’m a fan! There’s nothing wrong with that. Post them all and I will scroll through them while subconsciously judging you. It’s completely fine to post multiple pics from the same shoot, just not over the span of a year or more. There’s one person I follow who did a shoot in 2016 that they still post pictures from. They just sprinkle them into their feed every couple months and it’s very weird. The posts go like this: photoshoot, Thanksgiving 2016, Christmas 2016, photoshoot, brunch, travel, photoshoot, coffee cup, skyline, photoshoot. You get it. This is weird! This is a weird thing. Just post them all at once.
Just for some balance and transparency, here are some posts I actually don’t mind.
Shirtless Pics – You put in the work at the gym and you want everyone to know. Also, maybe you didn’t have the time to throw a whole pool party or drive to the beach so you could get a body pic without seeming like a douche. I get it, bro. Get that shit brother. Anyone who hates is just jealous.
Female Thirst Traps – In the same vein, females sometimes will flex on other females and weak males by posting thirst traps, and then promptly ignoring all of your DMs. I don’t hate it for the same reason I don’t hate the shirtless pics. Obviously, they’re either insecure, trying to get laid, or both. But aren’t we all? I say let them do their thing. Trap on, my queens.
What kinds of posts do you hate to see on Instagram? .
Respond
Everett
Unaccomplished comedian. Got stuff to complain about? email me: everettmcm@gmail.com
@everettmcm
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emac1639
Girls who post their wedding photos for random events years after the wedding. “Happy birthday to this girlie who was the best bridesmaid I could ever dream of 2.5 years ago.” Really means “I wish I still fit in this dress I’m still flaunting.”
Or my absolute favorite, “Happy birthday to my dad/grandma/dog who doesn’t have Instagram, but here’s a pic of me in my wedding dress with them anyway.”
“I cant believe its been 2 months since i got married to my best friend”
After a year if you are posting those you get an automatic unfollow.
Lol
I was just thinking that! I am surprised there was no mention of weddings in this article. I get that you paid a ton for those photographs, but still.
Discuss, what is the statute of limitations on posting wedding photographs? Excluding anniversary posts.
Agreed. My cousin got married last September and still posts wedding pics at least once a month. She recently posted her wedding video on Facebook and got around 200 likes.
Fuck that.
Spreading out multiple pictures of the same event as separate posts over the course of minutes rather than compiling them all for me to slide is atrocious behavior.
Just this morning a bride posted 7 pictures in a 30 minute span of her wedding 2 months ago. Not what I wanted to wake up to.
Yes. This. The multiple upload feature was a Godsend.
I believe this behavior is referred to as #floodthefeed
“This guy”
#FurBaby
#DogMom
#Wanderlust
Photos of a goddamn airplane wing.
#tbt is the worst. No one cares about your blurry picture and what you did in 2011
What’s even worse is when I started seeing #FlashbackFriday and the worst yet, #WayBackWednesday. Like Jesus Christ where did you even come up with that? We get it, you just want another reason to post something about yourself but it just looks super desperate and not subtle at all.
I mean, it’s cool you went to South Africa three years ago but I don’t really give a shit.
Here’s a mind-bending idea, hit the ‘unfollow’ button on the pages you don’t like seeing.
Ohhh if only it was that easy.
The more effective strategy is to block those pages so they don’t come up on your explore feed. Also stops similar pages from being suggested.
Unfollowed my buddy’s wife because of constant wedding posts. There are apps that show who unfollows you now. I tiptoed around “why’d you unfollow my wife?” For a good 6 months
RE: “Only [Insert Literally Anything] Pics.” Pictures of your dog are definitely excluded – keep that shit coming.
Disagree, you need at least 1 human picture per row, otherwise you are running an Instagram for your dog
I mean I’d much rather follow a puppy than half the people I follow.
All of these are infinitely better than the million meme lord accounts spewing the same stupid crap
Surprised fitness journey isn’t on here? I admire the hard work and a pic here and there won’t hurt anything but your weight loss can go without mentioning. We will notice. But daily/weekly pics of you lifting your top up at the gym or holding weights with the caption “not where I want to be, but proud of my progress” or “cheated this week” with your abs glistening in the fluorescent lighting just makes me roll my eyes so hard they might get stuck that way. Also included in this is constant updates on your keto/paleo/juice cleanse lifestyle. I want to unfollow but I feel bad if it’s someone I actually like in real life/see frequently.
I get where you’re coming from, I agree with you and your viewpoint makes a lot of sense.
I think the reason why I’m tolerant of it is because I used to be overweight. When you spend years avoiding posting on social media because you’re insecure and after months (and months and months and months) of hard work, you finally feel confident enough to post pictures, you probably overdo it. I see where they’re coming from.
But that’s different from your stock fuckboi/fuckgirl who posts frequent gym posts. Nobody likes that person.
I have an old supervisor who I like as a person but hate on social media. Her Instagram is identical daily sweaty selfies and saying how “swole” she is. (She is not. At all.) And, hashtags that are multiple sentences with no spaces; just atrocious cringe. I would have unfollowed anyone else’s dog shit behavior years ago, buuuut she’s a great reference on the ole resume.
The worst couples are the ones that make an anniversary post for anything less than a year. I noticed that couples who do this usually don’t make it to that point
“Been an amazing 3.5 weeks with this boyyy <3 <3 <3"
Anyone who refers to another human being, presumably their boyfriend or girlfriend, as “this boy/girl” or “this one” is an immediate unfollow.
People do that after high school?
“Omg this was a spicy (peach emoji) workout!! Thanks xendurance!! Subscribe to my blog for 5 min glute programs. PLUS since I’m referencing my grind it allows me to post 100 pictures of my ass and workout videos of me just bending over. It’s not just a cover for me to act scandalous!! Use code #lookatmya$$ to get 1% off of a poisonous pill I don’t use”