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I employed some intentional thinking at the precipice of this article. I had to stare the concept in the face for some time — to actually think it through, to roll the words around in my brain as I ran iterations of how I wanted to describe this budding, amorphous feeling that like a spring sprig, unbeknownst to me, weaseled its way into my consciousness.
See, last week, at some point during the haze when Friday night seamlessly gives birth to Saturday morning, I realized my emotional circuit breaker was under siege — a strange new feelings tube was firing away in the space between my brain and my heart.
I am still unsure if I am more surprised by the actual feeling or the fact that until now I have never experienced it, but I am in the midst of a full-blown alien attack of the emotional variety.
Have you ever witnessed a picky eater try something exotic? The mix of apprehension, determination, and ultimate conclusive emotion (“I love it” or “I hate it”) is distinct. Well, that’s where I’m at.
See, my whole life, whether I have been in love, or lust, or like — it has been posthaste. My romantic experiences have felt, at their core, urgent.
(This is the word that took me so long to find.)
Urgent.
At first I considered obsessive, but obsessive is wrong. It’s so wrong! I am far more easygoing than obsessive and am fairly hard to scare off, both qualities that bleed into my relationships.
So obsessive, obsessive is inherently wrong.
But then how do I describe the nagging awareness that every substantial romantic relationship I have traversed has been hasty and passionate?
Hasty and passionate? No. That’s not it either. Maybe if the words rushed, exciting and adreneline were in a polyamorous relationship and conceived a baby vocabulary word then that would be suitable.
Wait. What’s that word where you can’t get enough? insatiable. Still, though, it’s not quite right. All or nothing comes to mind too, but I am feverishly non-committal.
So — I landed on urgent.
Synonyms for Urgent: pressing, dire, intense, compelling, and exigent.
Yeah, that feels right.
I meet someone and the need to bare my soul becomes immediate. My heart hangs notoriously on my sleeve — when I decide to let you in, it is with an overwhelming embrace. I am not measured. (That’s probably clear in my cooking — I never, ever read recipes.)
Whether I am in a fling or a serious relationship, my past romances have ignited with a spark. Like bone-dry leaves and a lit cigarette, my entanglements catch fire quickly. It is captivating and a tiny bit dramatic. My relationships have been consistently urgent.
But, as Friday night rolled so elegantly into Saturday morning in a haze of drinks with friends and pervasive “how are you doings,” I realized for the first time in my life, my current romantic relationship doesn’t feel urgent — it feels patient.
Patient.
I write about Mark with trepidation — it has only been a little over a month, things are very new. In newborn years, we’re basically still a fetus.
“My evening just freed up, want to grab a quick drink?” he texted a few weeks back, after we transitioned from Bumble chat to regular old text.
When we met, he approached me with an outstretched hand.
“Hi, I’m Mark”
“I know…” I laughed.
With Mark, I keep waiting for things to get fervent, to morph into some version of my insatiable relationships of yore.
I have been waiting for our courtship to spiral into the sleepover every night, meet all of my friend’s kind of blur — but that urgency has yet to come. For the first time, I am okay to test the waters, to not seek validation in onslaught but rather step-by-step, checking the boxes as we go along. We are approaching with patience.
1st date — Oh, he’s smart, I like that.
4th date — Wow! He’s funny in the same way I’m funny — that’s cool.
5th (almost) date — We both want to hang out Saturday, but we spent all of Friday together. I’m going to do my laundry and hang out with my roommate instead. Oh, he doesn’t want to hang out either?… This is nice.
7th date — Hmmm, his outlook on money is so different than mine. Am I okay with that? Yeah, I think I’m okay with that.
Our romance didn’t set fire with a spark, but rather has grown hot slowly, as if warmed not by flames but by glowing coals. It took a few dates for me to see his place and a few more for me to take him to my favorite coffee shop. His parents are coming to town this weekend and I certainly won’t meet them. He’s cooking for me tomorrow for the first time, and only yesterday did I meet one of his friends.
It’s like we’re trying each other on for size. There’s this trust, this comfort in knowing that we don’t need to try everything on the menu in one go, that we’ll probably be back next week to explore something different so — why rush?
When I think of Mark, it’s like the summer is here. He’s like the giddy days when you get out of work early. His heat is kind of all-encompassing. This patient courting we’re in is inquisitive and full of intrigue. Instead of butterflies or roller coaster free fall, it feels like melted chocolate in my belly — sweet and warm.
And while the rational part of my brain insists that this is what “taking it slow” really means, that we are approaching this relationship like adults and that I like it — there’s still this part of me that finds it hard.
What if he’s just not all that into me? Is that why he’s taking it slow? What if he thinks I just don’t like him that much? Am I taking it too slow? This feels healthy, but isn’t the beginning of a relationship supposed to be a little overwhelming? If you’re not all in from the start, won’t things eventually fizzle out?
All I have ever known is hasty love. A fast, let’s jump into the freezing water together, kind of love. A love that seems reckless, dates that seem fleeting, and relationships that teeter between disinterested and infatuated with frightening swiftness.
And this isn’t that. This is a wade into the water slowly kind of thing. It’s a gloriously easy and slightly maddening kind of thing, but one that doesn’t leave me on edge, but rather keeps me steady.
For the first time in my life, it’s truly an “I don’t need you, but I’m figuring out if I want you” kind of thing. We’re not tripping and falling over one another, we’re not jumping in only to remember we can’t swim.
This is a romance that is far more a choice than a reaction, and if I’m honest it feels like, I don’t know, growing up?
This patient romance is easy, but it’s scary too. Maybe though, if I’m just brave — this patient romance will turn into a patient love? Isn’t that a dreamy thought..
Respond
CallMeVictoria
Life is messy, let's get dirty. itwasvictoria@gmail.com
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@itwasvictoria
does “taking it slow” mean no bedroom (or kitchen counter, I don’t judge) activities? Because after 7+ dates…
But seriously, Grandex, can something be done…
is balling people still a thing or did that die with TFM?
You’re that fucker I said I’d shoot in the knees and then use your crippled body to beat Osama Bin Laden and Hitler to death with aren’t you?
Don’t encourage him.
Motion to ban Sebastian…
Sebastian has to be a Jbone burner account
Its a bit much, even for Jbone.
I just saw some of the other responses, and I am sorry Jbone
Motion seconded move in to discussion
Your shtick got old fast. At least try to squeeze out an ounce of creativity when commenting on a CMV post.
Serious question, what compelled you to go on the second date if you didn’t really feel that spark/fire after date one? I have no motivation to go on a second date if I don’t feel that spark
I typically give it two, some people are so nervous they aren’t themselves, or the environment isn’t right.
Two drink me is about as fun as 5th date me. Sometimes you just gotta get on those PEDs
Yeah, unless they are truly terrible, if there were any spark at all in the pre-date texting, I’d give anyone a second date.
First dates are basically, am I attracted to this person/can they do the whole song and dance of bullshit that is most first dates.
But I also am huge on the slow burn relationships, and until my current one, I’ve never dated anyone I wasn’t already friends with for months/years.
Didn’t feel that spark with my significant other until date 3. I think people (girls especially if I’m being sexist) get caught up in this idea that they have to feel “fireworks” with someone right away or it’s not going to work. I’m alright with a slow burn instead of an immediate spark because it morphed into a strong, solid relationship instead of fizzling.
“7th date — Hmmm, his outlook on money is so different than mine. Am I okay with that? Yeah, I think I’m okay with that.”
Glad you’re having fun and all, but just an FYI, if these dates actually develop into a serious relationship (1+ years), the different outlook on money could be a real issue.
Amen. I go ugly early and ask about credit scores at least by date number 2.
I put 10% of every paycheck into savings. Sup?
10%? Weak
And savings better mean investment and not savings account
Sup?
Depends on the savings goal.
Not with these interest rates hombre
Valid point. But risk has a time and a place.
That’s fair, but an ETF will still leave you better off in the long run almost every time.
VTI all day. We’re just trying to buy a house circa 2020, so my head is in “short” term mode.
Respect. Congrats on the future house!
Name definitely checks out.
It’s only money, you can make more
I mean, if one person is a trust fund kid that’s never wanted for money, while the other has had to work constantly since he/she was 16, it’s going to be hard to reconcile things if the two can’t meet each other halfway.
I’ve had to work since I was 16, I’d love to marry someone with a trust fund
I’m in my first time taking things slow too. My experience has been a little different than yours but I’ve always been the type to be “urgent” too as were my exes. Now everything feels more thoughtful and purposeful and I actually feel like I’m building a foundation. I feel safe and like I can just be myself, and I’m just enjoying the journey, one day at a time. It was challenging for me at first too but taking the time to let things flow naturally without the pressure I used to put on things has been probably one of the best and most rewarding things I’ve done for a relationship.
And taking it slow does not mean we don’t have wild sex and passion. The fun stuff is still there, the approach is just different.
Congrats on the thoughtful, wild sex.
Sounds like CMV could have really used a thesaurus for the first part if this
CMV is a thesaurus.
While I appreciate you’re willingness to be so open with your dating life and I really hope taking it slow works out for you, don’t forget everyone and every relationship is different folks. My friend and his wife of 3 years started dating and got engaged within a year while other people (my wife and I) waited 6 1/2 years to get engaged. It’s all different and the only thing that really matters is being happy, with or without someone else
I took it slow for like 6 months (different reasons) and like you said, it grew hotter and hotter.
Cheers to the both of ya, CMV and Marky Mark
I love the way you write , I’m not good with words and I don’t know how else to say it but you are amazing
All my relationships have been of the urgent, whirlwind variety. I’ve been contemplating for a good while on how I would feel if my next relationship is more like this. It seems calming and collected, from what you have said. Thanks for the added perspective.
totally agree. but now that i am trying to take it slow with a guy, i cant help but feel anxious on occasion.