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A few weeks ago I disclosed that I take more daily showers than the average bear. In summation, it’s because I don’t like the feeling of being sweaty. Also, I’m sort of a nutjob.
There are a bunch of things I do that, when mentioned casually, cause people to do a double take. “How can you have never had coffee!” is one. “But I LOVE wearing my Levi jeans!” is another. Look, what I prefer more than anything is marching to the beat of my own drum. And telling people about it.
For as long as I have been a self-sufficient adult, I’ve cooked myself a 3-course breakfast every single morning. I know what you’re thinking, “JR how do you have the time?” I’ve gotten the process down to a fucking science, that’s how.
7:00 AM: I move my weighted blanket off my fully nude body, climb out of bed and walk to the bathroom, where I turn on the water for the first of my four showers that day.
7:02 AM: Before getting in the shower, I remove two breakfast chicken sausages from the refrigerator and fill a small pan with water. I turn the stovetop to high heat and simmer the precooked sausage over the burner before hopping in the shower, which is now warm.
7:08 AM: Shower’s done so now it’s back to the kitchen. I spray another small pan with olive oil and crack two eggs (four if the Capital F Fiancée wants her bullshit egg whites, which cost me precious minutes of delay. Don’t get me started). I then place the eggs over low heat and rotate the sausages, which by now are PIPING. Next, I fill a bowl with some water and oatmeal, toss it in the microwave, hit “Add One Minute” and head to the bedroom to change.
7:15 AM: I’ve made my return to the kitchen, decked out in Lululemon and Marine Layer. My fashion game today, a hypothetical day exactly like every other, is strong. I flip the eggs and immediately turn off the heat on both burners. This allows the yolks to continue to cook over the warm pan to get to that over-medium level of perfection that I prefer. I grab some fresh fruit from the refrigerator and dump blueberries, blackberries, and strawberries into the oatmeal which has now cooled to a pleasant warmth in the microwave.
7:30 AM: The last thing I do is grab a multivitamin, fish oil, and probiotic and sit down at the kitchen table to enjoy my home cooked breakfast. At 30 years old I haven’t yet mastered the art of eating slowly and breathing so I nearly die choking everything down in 90 seconds.
7:35 AM: Cleanup takes 5 minutes because it’s just scrubbing two small pans and leaving them in the drying rack, as well as loading my dirty dishes in the dishwasher.
7:45 AM: After brushing my teeth, possibly packing my gym bag and any other miscellaneous chores I have to take care of (pooping), I’m out the door to my office, where I will arrive at my desk before 8:30 and settle in for eight straight hours of making fun of people on Linkedin.
So, there you have it. My morning routine is not for everybody, but it has its benefits. Namely on my metabolism. For those of you idiots who don’t eat breakfast in the morning, think of your body as a locomotive. In order for a locomotive to gain speed, it needs to produce steam. The only way it produces steam is when the fire of the engine is stoked. Your metabolism is the engine that makes your body go, and an influx of protein, vitamins and natural sugars in the morning is the fuel it needs to kick-start your body into gear. This helps promote weight loss and keep your digestive system regulated. But what do I know? I’ve only weighed the same since I was 18 years old.
“I don’t have the time!” Have some yogurt and almonds on your drive in. “I don’t have the energy!” Make yourself a smoothie the night before. “I’m not hungry in the morning!” For Christ sake, it takes 30 seconds to eat a banana. Give your body what it needs first thing in the morning and it will thank you..
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JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
Get in the car, drive to chick-fil-a, order chicken minis, head to the office. My breakfast > yours
Chicken biscuit, add pepper jack cheese is the real game changer
Chicken for breakfast is a wild move
You should try it. Life altering decision.
Can ya’ll deactivate this fuckwad’s account now?
How so?
Protein powder in oatmeal
Alpha brain
I’ve always wondered what it’s like to be able to shower in 5 minutes
And then just be able to hop out and go about your day without spending twenty minutes sweating under a hair dryer. Can you imagine?!
My hair literally takes 4 hours to dry. It freezes all the freaking time in the winter
I just accept that I’ve already lost all those hypothetical arguments, saving about 25-30 mins of shower time daily
Don’t wash your hair everyday and find out?
I’m so in for this. I enjoy making a nice pan full of hashbrowns with some veggies dumped in and two sunny side up eggs on top. Maybe a side of bacon.
Maybe a side of bacon? DEFINITELY a side of bacon
Was going to comment on how you shit after you shower, but I’m at a crossroads. Does the 3 more showers you’ll take throughout the day in fact make this okay? I hate to be an enabler of either of the after shower shit or the 4 daily showers.
I’m just appalled at him shitting at home instead of waiting until he gets to work. One of my greatest pleasures in life is setting up shop in the men’s room at work for 15-20 minutes and mindlessly scrolling through Twitter. Few things are better than relieving yourself while you’re on the clock.
Pro tip for your fiancée: you can buy liquid egg whites at Trader Joe’s. They’re a total game changer.
Egg whites completely defeat the purpose of eating eggs. You throw out the vast majority of nutrients and protein from the yolk, and its the yolk that raises your LDL (good cholesterol).
“What are you, a doctor?” …Yeah
Thoughts on 2 egg whites one yolk?
I thought LDL was bad cholesterol?
You’re right, my bad. It raises your HDL.
Co sign
I keep oatmeal packets in my desk at work because I’m a sad soul who eats both breakfast and lunch at my desk.
Paper cup. Plastic spoon. The good life.
Couple of quick follow up questions: You leave things cooking on the stove on high heat while you shower? Do you not shave your face daily?
Correct – per the timeline above I’m only in the shower for about 5 min and I make sure the pan is filled with enough water to not evaporate and burn my kitchen down. I shave a few times a week but not always in the AM – it’s not a requirement when working in tech in SF
Thanks for the follow up and I appreciate the quick reply. Hope you have a great day.
What is this? Post-Grad SOLUTIONS? You’re not really living unless you have four iPhone alarms which involve hitting snooze at least twenty times over the course of an hour and then taking eight minutes to go from bed > shower > dressed > using electric razor in your car.
Grow up
If you’re not intermittent fasting and microdosing before work are you even in San Francisco?
Marine Layer is the truth though.
Intermittent fasting gets results though.
Batch make omelet muffins and freeze them. Start off every day with an omelet, a nice cup of tea, and a game of solitaire before I open my email