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“Are you kidding, Todd?” she asked while glaring from the kitchen. “No, I absolutely do not want to get smoothies after our walk today.”
Todd sat in disbelief wondering where had gone wrong.
“Uhhh,” he hesitated. “Okay?”
“Sugar is the silent killer, Todd,” she snapped back. “And, like, I’m not even talking about diabetes or whatever. I’m just talking about it killing our wedding photos when I show up looking like a whale because I didn’t start my diet soon enough.”
Todd wanted to roll his eyes but knew better than to do so in such close quarters. Their plan was to stay in for the weekend in an effort to save money, be healthy, and not spend their entire Sunday feeling anxious from drinking too much after the age of 25. But, as it turned out, the two shared different opinions on what “healthy” actually meant in this case.
While putting the top back onto her coconut water, she continued lecturing Todd. Not for anything he had done, but what she had yet to do.
“Do you even remember how skinny Caroline was at their wedding?” she asked. “She was, like, frail. Like, I thought the wind was going to blow her off the stage during their first dance.”
Not wanting to listen any further, Todd assured her that she was in perfectly fine shape. She had complained to him before about shaving fifteen pounds, but Todd always gave a canned answer and had finally reached the point where his normal response was something along the lines of, “Okay, I don’t even want to hear it anymore — you look great.”
As she left the room to go get Sperry out of the crate, she called from the other room. “Okay, we’re going to run through the park and then go to Whole Foods and get the salad bar for lunch. No bread, no smoothies — just green vegetables and protein.”
Todd sighed.
“And then at 5 o’clock tonight, I’m going to spin class with Katie. She said she wanted to talk to me about something after, but IDK what.”
Todd lumbered over to the door where his shoes sat. Not fully invested in going for a run on a beautiful Saturday afternoon that was primed for day drinking, he lethargically tied his shoes while she fastened Sperry’s leash.
“Like, I know you think I’m being absurd,” she continued, “but I want to look rail thin. I don’t know about you, but I only plan on getting married once so we better look incredible in these photos.”
Todd wanted to bring up the fact that they hadn’t even picked a date for the wedding yet, but he knew that can of worms was going to need to be opened alongside some beers afterward.
When he finally got done tying his shoes, he realized that she was somehow still discussing how tiny she wanted to be for the big day. “I’m not kidding, Todd — I want people to be worried about how skinny I am.”
“Okay, enough,” he said, “Let’s just go for this walk and head home after. I told John I’d meet him for drinks this afternoon so I’ll just go do that while you’re at your spin class. I’m not even that hungry after the breakfast you made.”
She mouthed “wow” slowly and opened the door so they could make their way down to the lobby. But, as they entered the elevator, she was met with a harsh reality. Well, not so much a “reality” as a “warped apartment complex elevator mirror,” but it suddenly became her reality nonetheless.
Looking herself up and down, she felt disgusted by what she saw. Her main concern was her arms, but even more so was her waist. “Do I always look like this?” she asked while the elevator went down floor by floor.
“Babe,” Todd pleaded, “I can’t have this conversation anymore. Doesn’t the wedding photographer edit the photos anyway?”
“Ohhhhhhhh,” she belted out. “Real nice, yeah, totally, Todd. Let’s have our damn wedding photographer — who we haven’t even hired yet, by the way — FaceTune our freaking wedding photos. That makes so much sense.”
Todd, not seeing the issue with it as long as it wasn’t blatant, finally realized that this was a battle he simply couldn’t win. He was fine with dieting (after all, they had tried numerous trends before) but listening to her berate herself for not being in good enough shape made him want to boil over with frustration. He didn’t want to marry a delicate stick figure — he wanted to marry the girl he’d known for the last three years.
As they exited the elevator and made their way to the door, both remained silent. Todd’s silence was out of annoyance, her silence was out of distraction.
“I mean,” she thought to herself, “I could ask Caroline what she did to get in shape, but I don’t want to give her that much credit. I bet Katie knows. Katie definitely knows. Tbh, Caroline probably got her diet from Katie because Katie looked phenom at her wedding too. That’s it, I’ll ask K—”
“You know,” Todd interrupted, “I think I’m going to sit this walk out.”
“Ummmmmmm,” she responded, “What?”
Todd looked at her, “Yeah, I don’t really feel like going for a walk anymore. Why don’t you just take Sperry, and I’ll run on the treadmill in the gym downstairs later instead.”
Clueless, she stood in front of him. “You can’t be serious,” she said. “You just suddenly don’t want to go for a walk?”
“Babe, I love you, but let’s just do our own thing for the afternoon.”
Snatching Sperry’s leash out of his hands, she fired back, “Fine, I’ll walk to Katie’s and see what she’s up to.”
“Okay, let me know what time you’re going to be done with spin later,” Todd told her with an aloof tone. “John mentioned that Caroline wanted to do dinner with everyone that night, but I don’t think he made a reservation.”
She looked at him blankly.
“Wait,” she spat out. “So you’re serious? You’re just not going with me? Unbelievable.”
He leaned forward and kissed her on her forehead. “I mean, if you want, we could go upstairs and get our workout in another way before I head out?”
With a loud sigh, she let out a frustrated laugh before sarcastically telling him, “Yeah, that’s absolutely what I want to do — go have sex with someone who just told me they don’t want to hang out with me for the rest of the day. I’ll talk to you later, Todd.”
Turning her back to him, she started down the street with Sperry in tow. “Siri, call Katie,” she said loudly before waiting for it to ring. Todd watched her walk into the distance.
“Hey,” she said, “Are you at home? You would not believe how Todd is acting right now.” .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
Can’t blame Todd for wanting a lil more cushion for the pushin’ nawI’msaying lmao I’m wild boi
New plan: Diet goes successfully, Girl shows up to her wedding as a stick figure in a windy day, gets blown away, and Todd and Sperry live happily ever after
I don’t hate it.
Seriously, why did they even have you in a crate in the first place? You deserve better.
No one gets blown after their wedding. Believe me.
SAD!
“he wanted to marry the girl he’d known for the last three years…” No he doesn’t.
But he does. Because he’s Todd and Todd sucks.
This is my favourite comment. Or at least top 5.
He’s settling and we all know it.
If it wasn’t being said about Girl, it’s actually a nice sentiment that he doesn’t want her to kill herself to get that skinny.
Rest of your life is a lot longer than 3 years…
He’s settling and we all know it.
“And then at 5 o’clock tonight, I’m going to spin class with Katie. She said she wanted to talk to me about something after, but IDK what.”
Did no one else catch this? Katie is totally pregnant and planning to tell Girl after spin class. Katie and Finn have been married for well over two years so the timing checks out. This announcement will take all their friends’ attention away from Girl’s wedding planning, thus driving her even more crazy. Think about it, her bridal shower and bachelorette party will now have to be planned around Katie’s baby shower and gender reveal party. Brunch conversations will now revolve around baby name choices instead of first dance song choices. Not to mention Katie’s pregnant belly will totes ruin Girl’s entire bridal party’s “aesthetic”
Great conspiracy theory, but she’s probably just asking Girl to clarify who the maid of honor is
Yea I thought this was MOH related but I pray to god she’s knocked up. With twins.
George R.R. Sock is writing these now
Oh my god, I hope your right.
Honestly, I’d just kill myself if I was Todd. It’s just logical at this point.
Who gets bullied more in their respective relationship: Todd or Will? Just straight-up stuffed into middle school lockers.
He could just call off the engagement once the lease is up
name checks out
Todd is an idiot for walking away from this one. It’s a nice day, do you know how many other dogs will be out on a walk, free to pet? Hundreds of good boys and girls.
Plot twist: Todd goes on his own walk once Girl is out of sight.
I’m laughing imagining Todd walking around a park solo, petting dogs. Doesn’t sound that bad now that I tbink about it.
“I’m not kidding, Todd — I want people to be worried about how skinny I am.”
This is way too fucking psychotic. And the opposite of healthy.
I’ve gotta admit, girls that go crack-skinny for their weddings don’t really look that attractive. “In-shape” or just “not flabby” is preferable to collar bones sticking out and skullface.
Beyond the deeply concerning health implications, this premise feels a bit 90s/ early aughts for me.
Huh? This is confusing to me. People 15 years ago were more interested in losing weight than they are today?
“Let’s go upstairs and get our workout another way” atta boy Todd, the sly dog is still in there, albeit in a crate…just like Sperry.
Legit question: is it cruel to keep a dog in a crate? We only used ours like once when she was a puppy to go to the vet, otherwise it was just kept in the garage. Like I know people do this but I’ve always thought it was cruel. And also ugly looking. But I’ve never called out a friend and been like “why the fuck is your dog in jail?”. Seemed like bad etiquette.
Use them for daytime until they were house trained. They were full size crates, so plenty for a puppy.
Crate mine bc he would legitimately eat my house
Not cruel at all. It’s for their safety. My dogs are in their crates while I’m at work and when we travel.
I personally don’t like it, but sometimes it’s necessary (like for puppies). We had to use a crate for a while with our family dog when we first got her. She’s a rescue and developed some severe separation anxiety for a while. If we left while she was asleep and didn’t see us go, it was fine. Otherwise we came home to a wrecked house. It wasn’t just a metal box though. She had a bed, blankets, toys and treats in there. Eventually she got over her trust issues and the crate became more of a cozy place for her to go when she got stressed. It’s usually in the garage now, but my parents pull it out during hurricanes when they think she might get anxious.
“If you ain’t no punk holla we want prenup, WE WANT PRENUP!”
Todd isn’t going to have any money to lose in the divorce at this rate.
“he wanted to marry the girl he’d known for the last three years.” Is he talking about Claire? Because he can’t mean girl.
Also, why couldn’t I opt out of the walk with Todd?
Next time, just take a healthy poop all over Girl’s shoes.
Hey, at least your out of the crate right?
Praise.