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The blessed season of March Madness is upon us. It was hard to have Sunday Scaries this past weekend when I realized how great the next few weeks will be. The first two days of the tourney are bliss for any office worker as you toggle between spreadsheets and watching Penn chuck up 30 threes against Kansas.
As a Badgers fan, I’ve been lucky enough to watch my team in 19 straight tournaments. Except for this year. This year, I won’t have the opportunity to open myself up to the inevitable heartbreak that hits me like a bus every time. Watching will be extremely bittersweet – like biting into an under-fried cheese curd. Yeah, it’s still good, but I know it could be so much better.
For those alums lucky enough to watch their team partake in the madness, I have some beer recommendations for when your team finally does break your spirit.
Loses in the First Round
Your team lucked into a 9-seed. You don’t expect much so you’ve been hedging your bets by sticking to a controlled amount of your regional-favorite IPA and responsibly asking your waitress for a separate tab so you can leave promptly after. After the loss, you’re probably sick of the high-octane stuff but still want to keep things going as your friends cash out. I’d recommend ordering a Founders All Day IPA. It has the solid hoppy flavor you seek but with half the ABV of a regular IPA.
Gets Upset by a 12-Seed
It happens every year — an overachieving mid-major takes down a floundering Big 10 or Big 12 team going through the motions. Early on, you might be in denial that this upset can happen to your beloved OSU or WVU. But it’s coming. Ohhh, it’s coming. When it finally happens, your standard lager won’t cut it. You’re angry at the missed calls and back-breaking turnovers that scourged your team down the stretch. To aid the coming rants in your designated college group chat, I recommend switching to a barrel-aged stout. Head to your local beer store and pick up some tallboys of Oskar Blues’ Barrel-Aged Ten Fidy – at 12.5% ABV, you won’t regret it. But you may regret some of your group chats.
Loses on a Buzzer Beater
There’s no recovering from this. All ideas of going out to the bars afterward get promptly thrown out the window as that clock hits zero. At this point, your goal is to mitigate the pain as quickly as possible. You’ve run through your allotment of light beer stadium cups but you’re nowhere near drunk enough to push out the bad memory. To deal with the bitterness, I recommend opting for a Sierra Nevada Hazy Little Thing, it’s an NE-style IPA that’s more sweet than bitter. Maybe next year.
Chokes against Duke
From personal experience, following the 2015 Championship game, I remember double fisting Miller Lite tall boys and cursing Grayson Allen (this still applies). I do not recommend this course of action, but the pain did eventually subside… a few months later. If you find yourself in this sorry situation in the next weeks, I recommend heading to your comfort beer. The beer, unlike your team, that will never let you down. For me, that was (and is) New Glarus Moon Man. Knowing that one is only available in Wisconsin, a feasible alternative would be Sweetwater’s 420 Pale Ale.
Wins It All
I wouldn’t know what to do here. My team has never made it this far. At this point, I presume you’ve already switched to hard liquor so maybe mix in a water every once in a while during your upcoming bender? Then again, what do I know. .
Respond
@TaylorLaabs
@taylor1laabs
Drink of choice if your team is in the NIT: Natty
What happens if your team lost in the First Four? Should I have blacked out on Tuesday night (thanks, Steve Alford)?
Let me tell you from experience. When your team loses to a dirty Louisville team on a bs block call late in the fourth quarter and you’re in Atlanta for the game, you drink nothing and immediately start the 12 hour drive home when you can round everyone up at 2am.
Oh thought this said Final Four. Whoops. Point remains.
THE. BLOCK. WAS. CLEAN. Also, to hell with Rick Pitino…and Notre Dame.
(Btw, that was the 2013 National Championship game, those dirtbags from Louisville beat Wichita State in the final four)
Go Bonnies baby!
Can’t wait to see my team get their asses kicked by uva. But hey, everyone loves an underdog right?
So about this….
Lets go Retrievers
1st Round Loss: team did have it, just drink normally unless you were a 1-5. Otherwise proceed to blackout on IPAs.
2nd Round Loss: At least you won a game? Drink normally.
Sweet 16: your team did good, enjoy a few IPAs or regular domestics.
Elite 8: Great year for many. Drink a few fancy brews.
Final Four: This is where the drunk express starts. Coming down to the final four is tough to loss. Don’t hang your head low. Enjoy whatever you like, but you will probably over consume.
Win or lose in the final: just blackout. You get a free pass either way.
Really need spell/grammar check y’all.
What if your team gets to the Final Four, buts get blown out in the first 5 minutes? Asking for a friend.
*But gets, Jesus
Gets Jesus what, a pony?
Winning the championship: lots of shots and victory rounds of whatever is being bought
Championship vacated: not enough hard liquor in the world
Though my tastes have vastly improved, Coors Light is still the best solvent for #NCStateShit. Let’s see if it’s true that “Kevin Keats is a winner.”
Stress drinking is the only way I survive State Athletics.
Sweetwater 420 will be the beer of choice for me. It’s not every day that Auburn is in the dance.
A Montana team (even if they’re the hated rivals) in the tourney calls for a Moose Drool or a Cold Smoke. If I drank beer.
I got a case of wine as a gift from the CO. That won’t last past the round of 32
This article is garbage. Pale ale’s suck and so does my basketball team.