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There is currently a pandemic sweeping the country.
Every week, thousands upon thousands of millenials are texting their friends to meet up for after work drinks. Young couples are inviting other young couples over for dinner. Fellas are gathering in living rooms and local watering holes to watch sporting events together. Each and every time, an egregious error is being made.
“Hey, an old friend of mine is in town and will be joining us too. He or she is a good time, you’ll like them.”
That is a sentence that has never been uttered before in the history of the English language. I know, it probably looks like foreign gibberish to you, that combination of words and spacing. I didn’t know what it said myself when I first saw it and I was the one who wrote it. Some time between 2012-2015, the entire population of the planet collectively decided that notifying others of a third party’s presence ahead of time was no longer relevant information. As a generation we are complete and utter failures on this front.
If I get invited out to grab a drink with you, a single human being with whom I have a particular relationship, I do a lot of mental prepwork. “Ok, when was the last time I saw this person? Are they coming to the wedding? Do they know about that thing that happened with the rake yet? What do I do if they ask about the scar?”
I don’t want to walk into the speakeasy/apothecary/didgeridoo where we planned to meet only to be greeted with some strangers stupid fucking face floating next to yours. Yes, I’ve heard of this person. No, I’ve never actively wanted to meet them. Now you’re forcing me to expend a generous amount of my time (and more valuably my energy) on fake getting to know them for the remainder of the evening.
“So what are you in town for?” I don’t care. “What do you do for work?” Sounds fucking stupid. “When do you head back?” How ‘bout in 10 seconds?
If you, the idiot orchestrator of this maligned ménage à trois, don’t notice from my side eyed glances and my sudden inability to stop staring at the second quarter of the Oregon State-UCLA game playing on the TV above the men’s room that you just threw a hand grenade in the form of your balding high school buddy into the middle of our evening, then I think tonight I’m closing out both my card and our friendship early. There’s a sentence for you.
Couples are just as guilty of this crime. Do you know how hard it was to find an evening that worked for all four of our schedules? Did you have any idea that we didn’t speak in the Uber ride over here because she caught me eating trail mix and now thinks I won’t be hungry for dinner? Of course you didn’t, we’re pros at this. We put our game faces on the second you opened the door. We’ve moved heaven and earth to make this evening work as it’s the only time we’ll see you for at least the next 3-4 months. Now it’s been derailed by this other random person that is sitting here in your apartment with us.
She’s your neighbor from the unit upstairs? You passed each other in the hallway and thought to invite her to join our dinner?? She comes over all the time??? SHE’S MOVING OUT OF THE COUNTRY IN TWO WEEKS?!?!?
That’s actually great news.
Now I can actively ruin this evening with little to no consequence..
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JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
Today’s title sequences: How to make friends, girls planning weddings, don’t invite friends to stuff…just don’t do anything, people it’s just not worth it and stuff
Cosigned.
I had a friend invite me and another mutual friend to dinner. We showed up and she invited about 15 people she knew from different places/points in life, and no one actually knew each other. She said she wanted to catch up with everyone so she decided to do it all at once. It was really, really uncomfortable and the mutual friend and I just got drunk and only spoke to each other. Which was better than a lot of people who stayed silent the whole time.
Happened to me a couple weeks back, can confirm it’s a waking nightmare. Won’t be accepting invites to catch up with said friend again in the foreseeable future
Thankfully you and the mutual friend had each other to fall back on. I usually try to figure out who’s going to these events to avoid being the person who only knows the host. Mutual friends can come in clutch.
Forwarding this to my (ex) best friend. A while back he invited us to dinner at his house. “Wife and I want to have y’all over for dinner Saturday” and setting a time was the only discussion we had about it. Fast forward to Saturday and I walk in to a “friend” from college who I hate more than anyone in my life and his super hot, SUPER bitch wife. So we basically got to spend two hours eating shit food with shit people before our 40 minute drive back to the city. Guess people really don’t care about friendships anymore…
That sucks. Also if your friend and his wife can’t cook for shit, they shouldn’t be hosting dinner parties, especially if they live way out in the ‘burbs.
My best friends bachelor had this potential. Me and another longtime friend, 3 college friends, 2 law school friends. Could have been awkward. Turns out a keg of beer, march madness, and a fire pit at a cabin makes everything A-okay.
I’ve always found alcohol to be a great ice breaker in these situations.
Was forced to hang out with my best friend’s friend from college. Was nice to her, but thought she was super annoying. I couldn’t wait to leave. Now my best friend keeps talking about how the three of us need to hang out again….
One of my friends from college does this, every time we plan a girls weekend trip to get everyone from all over the country together she asks if she can bring a friend from work or from high school or whatever, and it’s always awkward.
“Hey everyone, this is Deborah from work.”
*Deborah does not to talk the entire trip*
*does not talk.
I get the worst feeling when I hear “Hey, an old friend of mine is in town and will be joining us too. He or she is a good time, you’ll like them.”
I completely disagree. I like to get to know my friends old friends from high school or something, the more the merrier
Alright, mr. Eager beaver leave some friends for the rest of the people to make, geeze lol
I’m with you actually. I’m relatively new to my city though so I don’t mind making new friends. I’ll talk to anyone unless they’re a an awful human being.
friendly sup?
Someone read the “how to make friends as an adult” column and realized they have 0
– is something a serial killer would say. I’ll be sure to watch your episode of 20/20 when it airs.
Who the fuck watches 20/2
Just got crushed by the lack of edit button