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Recently, there’s been a lot of milestone reminders in my life: my 10-year high school reunion (class of Oh-Sev represent please kill me), a year at my current job and three years writing for PGP.
I remember getting the call for my first job. I was on the beach at Ocean City, Maryland, which is basically like the Jersey Shore (RIP) of Maryland. I was hungover as fuck, but as a grizzled booze veteran, I was in the best drinking shape of my life. I actually missed the call from HR because I was shredding some sick waves on my boogie board. After returning from my shred sesh, I noticed I had a voicemail from an unfamiliar number. I listened to it and I remember thinking that I can now pinpoint the exact moment when I felt the crushing feeling, “Fuck, I’m an adult”.
Bill Gates once said, “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” As mentioned many times before, I’m a work-to-live kind of guy and like many of you tortured, “I’m smart but lazy” people like myself, if there’s an easy way to do it, I’d way rather do that. Fortunately for you, I’ve kept a running list that some people may find useful as you navigate the precarious waters of postgrad adulthood:
Buy The Same Brand of Tupperware
This is a no brainer. I used to be the guy to get whatever is on sale when I needed it. This is an amateur move because you will always have a ton of lids and no Tupperware, and what you do have will never properly fit in your drawer or cabinet. Buy the same shit each time. Or better, buy a giant collection of the same stuff. You’ll thank me later.
Keep Your Resume Up to Date
I learned this one the hard way. I always naively thought, “I’ll be at my first job as long as they’ll have me!” I’m now on my third job since graduating. It’s really easy to take your newest job description, throw it in your resume and edit it after a few months on the job. You never know when a “dream job” will pop up, and if you already have a resume in hand and you won’t be stressed. You never know if you’ll meet someone and need it.
Get a Key Hook
How many times have you been ready to leave the house but you can’t find your keys/wallet? I recommend buying a key hook that has a cubby. As soon as you walk through the door, put your wallet in the cubby and hang your keys. I’ve lost my keys and wallet so many times before implementing this. Make it a habit to empty your pockets once you get in the house. It’ll save those, “Fuck where’s my god damn keys/wallet/cell phone” moments.
Put the Seat Down
If you live with a woman, put the damn thing down. From a mathematical point, 3 of the 4 movements either of you make in the toilet is a seated adventure. I know, if you can put it up, she can put it down. From a pragmatic standpoint, if you’re coming in hot, putting the seat down is one extra step between shitting yourself and not. I get it because I often have a volatile stomach. My Mrs. and I are at the point where if I somehow forget, she’s taking a dip because she doesn’t even look anymore. Just do it, it’s not worth the argument.
Have Three Outs
Sometimes, I just don’t feel like doing something. Rather than being an adult about it, I have a tangled web of lies to hide the fact I am too much of a bitch to say, “I don’t want to do that.” Having three solid excuses and line up your alibi’s helps you not have to do the shit you don’t want to do. My go-to’s are: 1. I’m moving furniture with my buddy Craig. He knows that I use this excuse and will always corroborate my story in the event anyone ever questions. 2. I have to go help my mother-in-law. I’d rather drive cross country with a cracked out Gilbert Gottfried than actually do this but it’s a solid one. 3. I have diarrhea. I use this one as a last resort because while it is likely it could happen, being “the boy who cried wolf” is usually bad juju for my stomach.
If You Need to Remember Something, Put it in Your Shoes
This is self-explanatory. Need to remember to bring in some documents or a USB drive? Throw it in your shoes because you need those to leave the house.
Learn to Make Three Meals Well
With the advent of the internet, you don’t even need the giant tomes of cooking. Three meals should feed you for the entire week if you portion it out, and if you’re in a pinch to make dinner for a potential suitor, you’ve got these three down pat. These days, making homemade food is a dying art so its definitely a selling point. I suggest getting a Crock Pot and working your way from there. Keep a running Word document for recipes you like and edit them as needed.
Hang Clothing in Shower
If you’re like me and leave your laundry in a basket until you wear it, this one is for you. Put your wrinkled item of clothing on a hanger and hang it in the shower. It’ll be nice and misted and all you have to do is shake the wrinkles out.
I’m all about sharing ideas. Hopefully, a few of you may find some wisdom in these life lessons learned the hard way. That’s the beauty of the internet, we can share lazy person life tips AND harass people we don’t like anonymously. Isn’t it great?.
Image via Shutterstock
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Madoff
I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.
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Re: the Toilet seat – put both down, every time. It takes like 0.05 extra seconds, and that way when you flush you don’t have droplets of pee and poo flying around your bathroom. I say this as a single man btw. It’s really not that hard and it builds the habit so you get brownie points for when (if) you ever get a girlfriend.
See, I understand the possible hygienic benefits of what you’re saying, but the real reason I put both the seat and the cover down is as an act of passive aggression to ensure that both me and my girlfriend are slightly inconvenienced when we need to do our business.
You’re a goddamn genious
also stops the dog from drinking from the toilet if you ever get a big dog! And I’d rather touch the top to lower both than touch the seat.
Started putting important items in my boots the night before going out to hunt. Extremely useful and underrated trick.
I didn’t know you could fit 10 beers in a pair of boots
Flask of whiskey is much more discreet in a tree stand but excellent response
You’re going to need some new outs when the people you use them on read this article.
As much I want to put the toilet seat up and down every time, I’ve just focused on becoming a straight shooter if you get the gist.
I don’t have that kind of trust in my marksmanship
That’s all fun and games until you don’t see a few spots you got on the seat and you’re wife uses the bathroom. Then you’re looking at AT LEAST a week of no sex and dirty looks
I’m a huge fan of the crockpot idea. I make turkey chili with two sides for under $35 which feeds me for the entire week. Bonus lazy points if you purchase the liners so you don’t have to clean.
How in god’s green earth did you spend $35 on a pot of chili??
Not trying to hate but I figure ground turkey at $3 /lb as the most expensive thing and then everything cheaper from there….
I meant $35 in total for groceries. Chili ingredients, side vegetables, and almonds usually add up to that amount.
How do you not shit your brains out all week if you are just eating chili?
To be fair, 77098 never said that he/she isn’t shitting their brains out all week.
All solid pieces of advice. I would also toss in one “special” food for the recipes. Pick something vegan/gluten-free and get good at making it. Had a dinner party with friends couple weeks ago and had to make a vegan friendly gluten free meal for a good buddies date. Went over great and the girl gushed that “no one ever takes time to make something special for them”.
I try to avoid befriending vegans/vegetarians but I’ve been known to grill an excellent grilled cheese for said people (smoked gouda+sharp cheddar+pepper jack).
As a general rule, same here. I always keep it in the back pocket for times that a guest brings a guest with “allergies” or I’m trying to get some brownie points.
There are a couple vegetarians in important lead positions at my company and trying to be inclusive of them goes a long way when I bring a potluck dish. They eat eggs and cheese so that helps a ton.
I’ve had it to fucking here with vegans. My fiance works for a restaurant group and they have been been hounded by vegans for never opening a vegan restaurant. But the catch 22 is that the group will put vegan items on the other restaurants menus, but they hardly get eaten.
That’s money right out the window because produce does not stay fresh long, but they have to keep it in stock in case vegans come to eat.
Now, the vegans think that the restaurant group needs to put in the capital to open a totally vegan restaurant when there is no way that it can be fiscally sustainable.
I’m sorry for the rant.
You need new friends
Learned this from dad to avoid arguments with the lady in your life. Just keep the seat down all the time. Old man pee when you get home. My legs usually hurt after the gym so it provides comfort. You get to practice being a man at work in the urinal.
I’ve started using a planner for my whole life (besides work). Check I️t when I wake up and fix I️t before I sit on my phone in bed for an hour.
If you’re bad at planning out your meals for the week, double the recipe and freeze half in portioned out containers or ziploc bags for lazy days or weekends when you can’t muster the energy to cook. This also works for if you find a recipe that feeds six but you’re cooking for one, and you don’t want to eat the same meal over and over all week.
Speaking from experience and as a girl, I had an ex who would come over to my apartment and never put the seat down…it caused fights. Just put the seat down guys.