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We’ve all read the statistics about how phones are keeping us up later than we should be. Most of the time, I take stats with a heavy grain of salt. But this is not most times because night after night I find that the last thing I look at before closing my eyes is the blue-ish white light of my iPhone.
I’ve made it a habit in the past three years or so to be in bed on weeknights by 10:00 p.m. I need my eight hours of sleep and, come hell or high water, I will get it. This is especially important because on most days I am required to be showered, out the door, and into the office by 8:00 a.m. If I was allowed to come in at 9 or 9:30, my strict bedtime probably would be a bit more lax, but as it stands, there is simply no time for messing around.
Sidenote: Please spare me the comments about how people in your office have to be in earlier than 8:00 a.m. – I really don’t give a shit. 8:00 a.m. is the standard start time for most offices around this country so just chill the hell out. You’re not getting clout tokens for getting up earlier than everyone else.
As as I was saying, I really do need those eight hours. Lately though, my phone has been a larger distraction than I can ever remember it being in the past.
I blame memes, group chats, and a seemingly never-ending list of assholes who are in town visiting for the weekend that want to get together with yours truly. I can’t remember the last weekend where I wasn’t committed to getting drinks and dinner with a couple or an old college friend on a Friday or Saturday night.
And that’s not me humble bragging. I hate that shit. And I never get a week or two’s worth of notice, either. It’s always – always – 24 to 48 hours in advance. They just assume (correctly, of course) that I don’t have plans and that I can show them around town all weekend. The point isn’t that I usually don’t have plans. The point is that it’s presumptuous and it bothers me very much.
With meme groups on Instagram, I can obviously put them on mute. The same goes for group chats, iMessage or otherwise. And I know many of you are going to say that the easy, very obvious solution to this problem of people blowing my phone up past 10:00 p.m. on a school night is to simply turn my phone on ‘Do Not Disturb’ mode.
And while that’s always been a thought in the back of my mind, I am simply too cautious to risk turning my phone on DND and then for some bizarre reason missing my alarm in the morning.
Technology still fucks up from time to time, and that’s without mentioning user error. I’ve heard horror stories of people accidentally setting their alarms for P.M. instead of A.M. and really fucking things up. I also have to be more cautious than most iPhone users because I still fuck around with a 5S.
We all know that Apple is an evil corporation which has a majority of the country by the balls. I know they intentionally slow my phone down so I’ll buy a newer model but I’m a cheapskate and I don’t really mind that my phone runs slower than most. It still works and that’s good enough for me.
There’s lag on almost every app, and sometimes the mute functions don’t work properly, hence why DND mode just isn’t in the cards for me. And that’s not even to mention the unpredictable variables like for instance, me knocking my bedside glass of water onto my phone unknowingly and completely murdering the thing.
Suffice it to say, DND mode is out of the question. And asking people to not text, call, or try to communicate with me in any way past 10:00 p.m. is completely ludicrous.
My friends would scoff and tell me to shut the fuck up if I asked them politely to respect my bedtime wishes. I’m in a no-win situation here.
At least two or three days a week I’ll be in bed, just moments away from really truly falling asleep when I’ll hear my text tone go off or hear the all too familiar standard incoming call ring. Even putting the phone on vibrate makes a loud enough noise that it completely jars me from my comfortable almost-asleep position.
It’s almost like the universe enjoys torturing me because when I’m sitting up in bed, reading a book or watching a movie my phone will be dead silent. It’s never when I’m actually awake that my phone is getting notifs.
No incoming calls, no text messages, no funny memes from the squad on Instagram. But the second I close my book, turn the bedside lamp off, and put my phone down and roll over to go to sleep, the fucking thing get’s bombarded with notifications. It’s incredibly annoying.
I’ll moan, groan, and complain but inevitably roll over and check to see who is trying to talk to me at such an ungodly hour. It completely ruins my rhythm and then I have to start the process of getting to sleep all over again. Frankly, I don’t see a way out.
I’m doomed forever to this cyclical line of thinking that I’m going to get to go to bed, only to be awoken by the ringtones that now sound like nails on a chalkboard for yours truly..
Image via Unsplash
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
Buy an alarm clock you ass brain. Then you can write another 1,000+ word article called “I can’t believe people are still using their phones to wake themselves up”
Do not disturb out of the question so you’ll just bitch about it instead. Makes sense.
To be honest, most of his “problem” pieces could be easily solved, but then he’d have nothing to bitc…write 1,000 words about.
But an alarm clock and leave your phone in another room. There, done.
*Buy, Christ
I don’t trust my phone so I double up and have alarms set on both my phone and my bedside clock.
Alarm clock/radio combo is the shit, and like $8 on Amazon
An alarm clock? It’s not 2003 man get a grip
This is like an alcoholic writing an article about how alcohol is ruining their life and then scoffing when someone suggests they try AA.
Phone on silent and turn off vibrate. Alarm will still go off but you won’t hear anything if you get a call or text. If you’re that paranoid test it out beforehand.
Sup
Sup CC
came here to say exactly this. It works!
iPhones have this feature called “do not disturb” and it turns off all notifications. Also, I’m going to view this as a very pathetic attempt at a humble brag about your phone blowing up.
Read. The. Column.
Too late. I’ve jumped the gun and I’m sticking by my statement
Do Not Disturb doesn’t disable your alarm. I DND the phone every night.
Can confirm. And until recently I was rocking an iPhone4 (8G) so no excuses on your old ass phone Duda cause mine was waaaay worse.
I never turn of DND. I check my phone enough as is all the vibrating and noise always happens at the worst possible times (e.g. meetings, classes, funerals).
I am astonished that your phone gets blown up so much for how much of a whiney little toddler you are.
Airplane mode is the original do not disturb. But I know you don’t actually want your problems solved because then you wouldn’t have anything to write about.
I’m a night owl and my issue is on the opposite end. I’ve muted certain friends who text me before 8 am because that’s too early for their bullshit.
Sup
What are you doing in the AM – it takes you 2 hours from the time you wake up to the time you get to work?
I’m with Duda on this one, I like the two hours to ease into the morning.
Fair enough, I prefer frantically rushing before hopping in the car. If I had time to sit there and ponder the malaise I will soon experience I probably wouldn’t make it to the office.
I suspect the malaise is probably coming from the one or two lunch beers.
co-signed, having my smoothie on the couch with 20-ish minutes of sportscenter audio coupled with instagram / twitter scrolling does wonders for my psyche. Much more so than taking it to go.
Can’t help with the notifications but turn your phone to the sleep color that gives it a yellow hue. It is supposed to be better at night than the blues and normal backlight.
Did this for both my laptop and phone, game changer.
I scoffed at it at first but it really helps. I am nearly old enough to consider getting those yellow tinted glasses that gives everything that benefit.
I have Felix Grays for work and love them. Worth it.