A Dude’s Breakdown Of Week 1 Of “The Bachelor”

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Alright folks, we’re back. 2018 may be a new year, but if you’re anything like me, you’re back on the same bullshit as before, including diving right into this season of The Bachelor. This year, race car driver and former Bachelorette contestant Arie Luyendyk, who first graced our television screens in 2012 when the world was a much less shitty place, takes the reigns as ABC’s resident polygamist golden boy.

Over the next several months, we’ll get a front seat as we watch Arie crush the hopes and dreams of twenty-nine desperate vibrant and shallow interesting attention-seeking bitches ladies as he follows his heart with the goal of getting down on one knee with a Neil Lane engagement ring to propose to the love of his life, or someone who will put up with him long enough to make bank off some Instagram endorsements. What is love, anyway?

The beginning of the premiere recapped Arie’s journey on Emily Maynard’s season of The Bachelorette. I didn’t watch that season, but from what I can tell, it consisted of mostly face grabbing and tongue-kissing with little bits of dialogue sprinkled lightly throughout. This segment was so riveting I used it to finish my first glass of wine and pour myself a generous refill.

After rehashing his nationally televised rejection, Arie was then greeted by his Bachelorette compatriot and former Bachelor Sean Lowe, his wife Catherine, and their Bachelor franchise love spawn son Samuel. Sean offered the same advice that he’s given to Juan Pablo Galavis, Chris Soules, Ben Higgins, and Nick Viall in the years since his tenure as ABC’s leading man, since you know, being the Bachelor has worked out so well for each of them.

After destroying the first thirty minutes of the show, as well as my will to live, with this garbage, the camera pans to Arie stepping out of a limo only to be greeted by our Lord and Savior, Chris Harrison, at the Bachelor Mansion.

Chris greets Arie with a chuckle. “Arie,” he starts. “Did you ever think you’d be standing here?” Arie pauses, “Well, I feel like you and the rest of the ass clowns at ABC have been dangling this opportunity in front of me for years, so I knew it was in the realm of possibility. But to be honest, I’m old as fuck so I’m surprised you didn’t just put me out to pasture like you do with any female contestant that’s over 29. Regardless, I’m grateful for this opportunity to bang 22-year-olds find love.”

“It sounds like you’re definitely here for the right reasons, Arie,” Chris replies. “Prepare to meet your mistresses!”

Without further ado, the first limousine rolls up to the Bachelor Mansion and the parade of potential concubines begins.

Caroline, 26, Realtor, Ft. Lauderdale, FL
Caroline is the first out of the limo, and if Bachelor precedent is correct, that means that she’ll play an integral role in this season. Before Caroline exited the limo, we see some footage of her at her real estate job back in Florida. She tells the camera, “I’ve been in real estate for less than a year and I’ve already sold over $5 million worth of property. I’m, like, really good at my job.” Good for you, Caroline. Congratulations on your sales, and congratulations on alerting all of us to the fact that you’re probably a mega bitch. She greets Arie by saying “Maybe when this is all done we can take each other off the market.” Barf.

Chelsea, 29, Real Estate Executive Assistant, South Portland, ME
Chelsea is the next contestant to emerge, and we’re treated to a montage of her life back in Maine where we learn that she’s a single mom. She laments the difficulties of dating while making a peanut butter sandwich for her little rugrat. The most interesting part of her entire exchange with Arie is not her stupid ploy to try to be mysterious (translation: wait until half the other women are gone to let it slip that she has a child), it’s that I realize ABC has changed the font used to put the contestants’ names at the bottom on the screen, and just like all types of change, I hate it.

Kendall, 26, Creative Director, Santa Clarita, CA
If you read A Dude’s Breakdown of Arie’s Bachelor Contestants, then you know that Kendall is a taxidermy enthusiast. We see her in a room that is full of enough stuffed animal corpses to cause an entire PETA chapter to spontaneously combust in a fire of indignation. She also apparently plays the ukulele and we’re treated to seeing her play an original song about Arie to a dead baby seal moments after the camera escapes her room of horrors. I’m all about people letting their freak flag fly, but if Kendall could do so at half-mast, it would probably be more comfortable for everyone. The only reason she gets away with this is because she’s super hot.

Seinne, 27, Commercial Real Estate Manager, Long Beach, CA
Seinne doesn’t say much, but she’s incredibly attractive and gives Arie a set of elephant cufflinks, which is a dope ass gift. If any of you know where I can find a set of those, hook your boy up.

Tia, 26, Physical Therapst, Weiner, AR
Tia’s best friend is Raven, the runner up on Nick Viall’s season of The Bachelor. The two of them have the exact same voice, and potentially share half of the same brain. To remind Arie that not only is she from Arkansas, but from a town pronounced like “wiener,” she brought him a tiny plastic dong as a gift. “I hope you don’t already have a little wiener,” Tia giggled as she flopped the minute dick and balls into Arie’s outstretched palm. Arie laughs it off as well. “I do not have a little wiener, so thank you for the thoughtful gift.” As Tia walks away, Arie second-guesses his answer. “I do have a tiny penis, though!” he shouts after her.

Bibiana, 30, Executive Assistant, Miami, FL
Bibiana looks much less terrifying on television than in her bio picture. She still seems like she would cut you without hesitation.

Bri, 25, Sports Reporter, Grants Pass, OR
“Think fast!” Bri screams as she simultaneously tucks and rolls out of the limo before pelting a softball directly at Arie’s face. Miraculously, he catches the ball and gives Bri the opportunity to introduce herself instead of going to fetch some ice. “I’m a sports reporter in Oregon, but before that, I was a softball player,” she tells him. “And no, I’m not a lesbian, except for that spring break tournament sophomore year. It was a weird time.”

Jenny, 25, Graphic Designer, Northbrook, IL
I didn’t take any notes on Jenny, so at this point all I know is that she’s blonde, beautiful, and got out of a limousine.

Brittane J. Marketing Manager, San Diego, CA
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – until you can prove to me that Brittane J. isn’t the love child of Nicki Minaj and Cardi B., I’m going to assume that’s how this individual came into being. She tells Arie that she would never put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari, but she would put one on an Arie, so she sticks a “NICE BUTT” sticker on Arie’s ass. She says Ferrari with the same inflection as Nicki does in Anaconda and I whisper to myself that there has got to be some Illuminati witchcraft going on with her.

Jacqueline, 26, Research Coordinator, Morgantown, WV
Jacqueline’s eyes look just as crazy in real time as they did in her bio picture.

Krystal, 29, Fitness Coach, Missoula, MT
We learn in a video montage prior to her limo exit that Krystal is a fitness coach who films herself doing solo workouts on the beach for all fourteen of her Internet follows and in her spare time delivers meals to homeless people. I’m sure she’s a genuinely nice person, but I’m already over her. She makes Arie do this weird meditation thing; if she had pulled that shit on me I would have kindly asked her to turn around, get back in the limo, and return to whichever dumpster fire she emerged from like a reborn garbage phoenix to think about her choices.

Nysha, 30, Orthopedic Nurse, Belton, SC
Nysha is a nurse and she likes to skydive. She also apparently wears more makeup to work in a hospital than most women I know wear to clubs. I have nothing else to say about Nysha.

Valerie, 25, Server, Nashville, TN
Fun fact: Valerie woke up this morning and realized she had completely forgotten to prepare to be on The Bachelor, so she ran to CVS, grabbed a box of Nice ‘N Easy to touch up her roots, stole her sister’s prom dress, and got on a flight that put her in LA approximately 45 minutes before she rolled up to the Bachelor mansion.

Bekah M., Nanny, Fresno, CA
Bekah M. upped the arrival ante by rolling up to the mansion driving a cherry red ’65 Mustang convertible. She tells Arie that she may be young, but she can still appreciate a classic, which is clutch because she’s 22. If my math is correct, that means when Arie was starting high school, Bekah was still swimming around in her father’s nutsack.

Jenna, 28, Social Media Manager, Upland, IN
The only notes I wrote for Jenna say “Holy eyebrows” and I stand by that.

Jessica, 26, Television Host, Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Jessica introduces herself to Arie by giving him a gratitude rock, which was actually just a rock she found in the landscape outside the mansion. Maybe it’s a Canadian thing? Also, ABC changed her location on her little subtitle to Santa Monica, but the North remembers, Jessica. The North remembers.

Marikh, 27, Restaurant Owner, Salt Lake City, UT
Fire flames emoji x 1000.

Olivia, 23, Marketing Associate, Geneseo, IL
Olivia tells Arie that she loved watching him on Emily’s seasons of The Bachelorette, which would have aired when she was in high school. During this conversation, Chris Harrison shuffles through his contract from ABC to make sure they didn’t actually want Chris Hansen to host this season instead of him.

Becca K., 27, Publicist, Prior Lake, MN
She makes Arie get down on one knee and pretend to propose, but to be honest, I was too distracted by the cross tattoo on her hand to remember anything else.

The next four women out of the limo are this season’s four Laurens. Although there have been four Lauren’s in a season before, the producers did not make them all ride in the same limo. Their savagery is growing and I support it completely.

Lauren S., Social Media Manager, Dallas, TX
Lauren S. is my favorite Lauren, so I’m going to call her Hot Lauren.

Lauren J., 33, Recent Masters Graduate, New Roads, LA
Lauren J. is my least favorite Lauren, so I’m going to call her Lauren 4.

Lauren B., 25, Tech Salesperson, Virginia Beach, VA
Lauren B. looks uncomfortably like Lauren B., the winner of Ben Higgins’s season, so I’m going to keep calling her Lauren B.

Lauren G., 26, Executive Recruiter, Indianapolis, IN
Lauren G. looks like Rachel Lindsay if Rachel had gotten Invisalign to fix her gap teeth, so Lauren G. will be Lauren G for good teeth.

Ashley, 25, Real Estate Agent, West Palm Beach, FL
I have nothing to say about Ashley.

Brittany T., 30 Tech Recruiter, Columbia, SC
Brittany T. greets Arie by telling him that he looks handsome in very broken Dutch, which is simultaneously cute and painful, like getting bitten by an adorable dog.

Amber, 29, Business Owner, Denver, CO
We learn that the mysterious business Amber owns is actually a spray tan company, which makes a shit ton of sense. She tells Arie, “In my line of work, I’ve seen a lot of dicks, so I hope you don’t turn out to be one.” Bold move there, Cotton. We’ll see how it plays out.

Ali, 27, Personal Stylist, Lawton, OK
Ali makes Arie smell under her arm and then asks if it’s the best pit stop he’s ever had. I want to die.

Annaliese, 32, Event Designer, San Mateo, CA
Annaliese wears a mask out of the limo as a nod to Arie’s nickname as the “Kissing Bandit” on Emily’s season of The Bachelorette. Although not showing your face could backfire, she was showing enough cleavage to compensate.

Maquel, 23, Photographer, American Fork, UT
Last but certainly not least, Maquel rolls up to the Bachelor mansion in a race car, and as she gets out, takes off her helmet and shakes out her golden locks as if she’s a god damn Bond girl. Jaws throughout the mansion, and across America hit the ground. She’s a bombshell, and she fucking knows it.

Once all twenty-nine women are inside the mansion, Arie joins them and toasts to their arrival. Let the games begin.

Cocktail Party

Chelsea is the first woman to steal Arie away and does so before he’s even had a chance to take a sip of his drink that he got done toasting with milliseconds before. She drags him outside with an intensity similar to that of the bear that mauled Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant, and I am truly afraid. Once they’re outside, Chelsea again says very little about herself, opting instead to stare deeply into Arie’s eyes. “I’m very mysterious,” she reiterates. Arie probes deeper with his words, not his penis. “I feel like there was something you were about to tell me,” he inquires. “It seemed like there was a secret you wanted me to know.” SPOILER ALERT, ARIE, IT’S THE EXISTENCE OF HER CHILD. Instead, Chelsea sits there, trying to smolder, but really just looking like she’s clenching every muscle in her body to try to avoid unleashing a wave of hot, liquid shit all over the floor.

Maquel comes up and asks Chelsea if she can steal Arie away. Chelsea agrees, but homegirl is pissed and goes back inside the mansion to tell everyone that the loud bitch in the race car stole her man, all while rolling her eyes and pretending to be blameless.

The rest of the night continued in a similar fashion. Brittany J. takes Arie outside to race him in a set of Power Wheels cars; she tells him that if she beats him, her prize is a kiss. Instead of gracefully letting Brittany J. win, Arie pulls his toy car behind hers to push her across the finish line ahead of him, guaranteeing himself a little action.

Once Chelsea finds out that Brittany kissed Arie, she rolls her eyes and laments, “Why do some of these women feel the need to be such aggressive sluts?”

Lauren G for good teeth blindfolds Arie and tells him to open his mouth so she can put something inside of it. “I played this game when I was a freshman on the football team in high school and I didn’t like it!” Arie tells her. Lauren G for good teeth whispers, “Fucking do it, you pussy.” She places a piece of fruit on his tongue and asks him to identify it. “It’s pineapple,” he answers. She smiles. “Correct,” she replies. “And so you know, pineapple is my safe word.” Arie laughs. “Jokes on you, bitch,” he says. “I don’t have a safe word.”

From there, the night continues to devolve. Jenna rubs Arie’s feet, which makes me incredibly uncomfortable. Krystal stops by for a conversation and Arie tells her that he finds her voice very soothing, which is the polite way of saying she sounds like Macy Gray after a 4 day bender where she smoked no less than 10 packs of Lucky Strikes and choked on half a dozen dicks.

Over time, Chelsea grows bored of talking shit about the other girls in the house to cover up her own insecurity and instead starts listening to her insecurity’s ever growing voice. She realizes that talking to Arie first may not have been the most strategic move and decides to interrupt Krystal, just as Maquel interrupted her. To be clear, in Chelsea’s mind, interrupting Krystal was clearly different than Maquel interrupting her, mostly because Chelsea is the most important and most deserving of Arie’s time.

Once they’re alone, Chelsea tells Arie that she’s there for him, and for whatever he may need. I know what I need from Chelsea, and that’s to have a minute of god damn silence from her constant shit talking. That’s my job. Apparently Arie agreed and decided to shut her up with a kiss. Whatever works, man. Chelsea attacks his face with a frightening amount of tongue but I will not complain, because tonsil-hockey Chelsea is a silent Chelsea.

A few more of the women manage to have conversations with Arie before the night winds down, and by that I mean the sun begins to rise over the Bachelor Mansion because this process has taken all damn night. Jenny gives Arie a picture of him that she drew herself. “It’s great!” Arie tells her. “I’ll put in on my fridge.”

Tia tells Arie that she’s a total clown, and he responds, “Oh, thank God. I’m actually a huge nerd.” Tia giggles. “Me too!” she says. “Except that I don’t know how to read.”

Jessica kills the mood by telling Arie that her dad died, but before he passed away, he actually met Arie at a race. I’m sure that’s a fact Arie was glad to have – knowing that he has no recollection of meeting his potential wife’s now deceased father. Total boner killer.

Bekah M. and Arie sit in the back of the Mustang she drove and talk about things that excite them, which for Arie include adrenaline and pizza, and for Bekah M. include mountains and the feeling of uncertainty when you wonder if someone likes you or not, like hypothetically what’s happening in the back seat of the very Mustang the two of them are currently sitting in. The whole exchange was a little too meta for my personal taste, but I’ll give it to Bekah M., she seems pretty legit. In my initial review of the bios, I said she looked like a Bratz doll with a chop job, but she’s actually quite stunning.

As the cocktail party draws to a close, Arie gives further evidence to support the theory that men are stupid and gives Chelsea the First Impression rose, further cementing her role as this season’s likely villain and putting an even bigger target on her back than the one she drew herself by having an opinion on literally every other woman in the house.

Rose Ceremony
With 20 minutes left in the episode, Chris Harrison mercifully puts an end to this circle jerk of a cocktail party and herds the women like cattle to meet their fate. Chelsea is safe with her First Impression rose, and the remaining twenty (sweet Jesus) go to:

1. Becca K. – Proposal/Cross hand tat Becca
2. Marikh – 10/10
3. Kendall – Crazy taxidermy girl. If Arie ever goes missing, the first place the authorities should look is in her hall of stuffed carcasses. He’ll be there, and it will be too late.
4. Lauren G for Good Teeth
5. Krystal – Pass
6. Bekah M. – 22-year-old rock climbing nanny that will likely be the sweetheart of this season
7. Lauren S. – Hot Lauren
8. Seinne – Elephant cufflinks, gorgeous
9. Caroline – Real estate agent, first out of the limo, will likely be around for a long time
10. Brittany T. – First kiss Britt
11. Bibiana – Already starting to let her crazy show
12. Annaliese – Mask Girl
13. Jenna – Foot Girl
14. Valerie – Prom Dress Girl
15. Jacqueline – Crazy Eyes Girl
16. Jenny – Gave Arie a picture that she drew herself, thankfully with pencil and not her own blood
17. Lauren B. – Lauren B.
18. Ashley – I have nothing to say about Ashley
19. Tia – Every time I look at her I hear the clip from South Park where the choir sings the Game of Thrones intro by saying “Wiener” over and over again. You’re welcome.
20. Maquel – Hot Race Car Bond Girl

That means we say goodbye to Jessica, stripping her of the chance to have had her father meet her potential husband, Softball Bri, Lauren 4, Nurse Nysha, Spray Tan Amber, Armpit Ali, Olivia and Brittane J. Nicki probably needed her back anyway.

That’s it for this week. The episode ends with a preview of the waterworks to come, and dare I say it does look like this may end up being the most dramatic season of The Bachelor ever. See you then..

Image via ABC / YouTube

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Crick Watson MD

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