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Alright folks – ABC gave us a hell of a decision to make this week by forcing us to choose between watching the National Championship game and The Bachelor. Since I’m committed to the content, the choice was easy and my ass was glued to ABC, sacrificing brain cells as Nick Saban sacrificed virgins to ensure he brought home another ‘ship for the Tide. This week’s episode brought us two one-on-one dates, a group date, a cocktail party, and a Rose Ceremony. Let’s break it down.
One-on-One Date with Becca K
This week’s episode begins with a montage of the women adjusting to life in the Bachelor Mansion, showing them enjoying mimosas, laughing casually in a manner that was clearly not staged by the producers, and showing general enthusiasm for surviving the first round of
The Hunger Games The Bachelor.
Once the montage ends, we see all the women gathered in the main room of the house, clearly waiting for something to happen. The camera pans across the women, and the first thing I notice is that Bekah M. has decided to rock the Rachel Green in a frigid room look, because her nipples are even more prominent than her giant Disney princess eyes. Since she’s only 22, she’s really adding insult to injury by rubbing that shit in the faces of those saggy 29-year-olds. Chris Harrison enters the room to remind the ladies that in this journey, Arie is truly looking for
ass love, and to that end, the first date will begin immediately. “Any questions?” his Holiness J. Christ Harrison asks.
Bekah M. shouts. “Hell yeah! Where’s that date card?” The rest of the women giggle nervously and I roll my eyes. Pipe down, Pixie Tits.
Chris smirks, looks at his lawyer who is standing just offscreen, who nods to indicate he has fulfilled his contractually obligated screen time for this week’s episode and he drops the date card like a bad habit and bounces out of the Bachelor Mansion to continue living his dope-ass life.
The date card reads, “Hold on tight!” and goes to Becca K. When you think about the first one-on-one date of the season, you usually expect the Bachelor to pick a smoking hottie, a girl that clearly stands out for having a great sense of humor, or someone else who made quite the first impression on the night one. Arie took a different approach to his selection and went with Becca K., the contestant we most medium suspected had a shot at getting this date.
Arie rolls up to the Bachelor Mansion on a motorcycle to collect Becca K. for their date. As Arie puts a helmet on her, Becca K. confides in him that she’s never ridden a motorcycle before. “Really?” Arie asks her, seemingly astounded. “Yeah,” Becca K. replies. “I kind of like being alive and have never had the desire to mount a rolling death machine, but for the chance to hop on some of that washed up geriatric television dick, I’ll do just about anything.
As the two of them cruise along, we hear Becca K. narrating how special of a moment this is for her and Arie. Seriously? Shut the fuck up. You’re on a goddamn motorcycle and all you’re doing is holding on to anything within reach as you try not to die while simultaneously smashing your tits and crotch as close to Arie as possible in an attempt to be sexy. This is not a magical moment. This is some high school level bullshit.
After they spend enough time on the motorcycle that Arie and Becca K. can no longer feel their assholes due to the reverberation from the pavement, they finally arrive at their destination, which turns out to be a random house. Becca K. feigns excitement as they roll into a living, and her façade turns into true excitement when she sees that the producers have laid out a fucking spread of food, including lobster tail, a chocolate fountain, and bottles of bubbly.
It turns out that this date is a combination of most women’s idea of an ideal date fused with every man’s nightmare fuel. The entire daytime portion of the date consisted of showering Becca K. with gifts; including but not limited to a dress created by designer Rachel Zoe, who was present for the fitting, some Neil Lane jewelry, and a pair of bedazzled Louboutins. While Becca K. tried on dresses, Arie literally just ate snacks, got drunk, and offered words of encouragement every time she emerged with a new outfit. “Looks great honey!” Arie shouts. “Your ass totally looks fat, but in a good way.”
After she’s done playing dress up, Becca K. joins Arie on a bench outside where they drink champagne and make out. “I just really wanted to take you on a date where you got spoiled,” Arie tells Becca. “You just seem like the type of girl who deserves that!”
Becca smiles. “I can’t believe you’d do all that for me!” she tells Arie.
“He’s not doing anything for you!” I yell at my television. “ABC is paying for all of this! None of this was Arie’s idea! Everything is a lie!”
Before the dinner portion of the date, the producers make Becca K. go back to the Bachelor mansion and parade her new bloody shoes and other fun gifts in front of the other girls. “ARE THOSE FUCKING LOUBOUTINS?” Lauren G with the Good Teeth screams while Bibiana cries because she’s so overwhelmed. “It’s the first time I’ve ever seen a pair in real life,” she stammers between sobs. Jesus H. Christ, kill me now.
Becca K. changes in a shimmery silver Rachel Zoe dress and meets Arie for dinner, where they gaze longingly at one another instead of eating the gourmet meal in front of them. Becca K. drops the bomb on Arie that her father died of brain cancer, which is normal first date topic and total boner killer. He’s into it though and gives her a date rose despite the fact that she still has that terrible cross tattoo. Whatever. What is love, anyway?
One-on-One Date with Krystal
First of all, I’d like to say that I hate Krystal. Second of all, I’d like to say that I fucking hate Krystal. I’m sure she’s a perfectly nice lady, what with her spending time making food for the homeless and whatnot, but this bitch is fake as shit. Everything she does is carefully orchestrated for the camera and you can tell that she thinks she’s hot shit. I agree with her there – she does remind me of a fresh, steaming turd on a particularly hot day.
Once you get past her pretentious attitude, then you have to deal with the issue of her voice. Her voice, quite frankly, is the greatest abomination to defile my television since the last time any news syndicate has aired Donald Trump’s and Chris Christie’s fupas in the same frame. Every time she speaks, it sounds like she’s a subpar Brazzers star trying to convince her audience that she is truly enjoying getting double penetrated by two massive dongs. I’m just not buying what she’s selling, despite how fervently she’s trying to sell it. A list of things I’d rather do than ever see or hear Krystal again includes, but is not limited to: reliving middle school, running a marathon while hungover, shitting my pants in public, having my family discover my online identity, giving up Chiptole forever, and getting kicked in the nuts once a day for the rest of my life. If I was Michael Scott, Krystal would be my Toby Flenderson.
Her date with Arie is also total bullshit. They climb aboard a private plane and have stupid conversations that I ignored because I was too busy concentrating on not spontaneously combusting out of sheer rage. Once they arrive in Scottsdale (of course Arie lives in Scottsdale), they go to Arie’s condo. Arie gives Krystal the grand tour; she particularly likes his open kitchen and the bed where he bangs ASU students on a regular basis.
From there Arie takes Krystal to meet his family, which is a supernormal thing to do on a first date, right? Even by Bachelor standards, this is insanity. As Arie walks into his parents’ house, I have a moment of confusion – I thought Krystal was outside, but as the door opens it looks like she has somehow teleported inside. In a moment of horrifying clarity, I realize the trashy blonde inside the house is not Krystal – it’s Arie’s mom, who looks exactly like an even more weathered version of Krystal. The resemblance is unnerving.
The conversation between Arie, Krystal, and Arie’s family is dumb and I won’t waste your time rehashing it. Basically, Krystal feels that her relationship is leaps and bounds ahead of the other women because Arie wanted her to meet his family when in reality I think he just wants to feed into some Oedipal complex shit. Regardless, Krystal gets a rose, ensuring that she will continue to torment me with her existence in the weeks to come.
Deathmatch Group Date
This week’s group date card is addressed to Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G with the Good Teeth, Kendall, Bekah M., Jenny, Seinne, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana, and Chelsea and reads “Let’s hit love head on!”
To come up with this date, I think the producers at ABC sat down and compiled a list of the worst possible group date ideas. “Okay guys – stick with me,” one of them slurred as he sucked down his ninth Bud Heavy of the afternoon. “Arie’s a racecar driver, let’s just make them race each other. Wait, no, racing is too boring. Let’s just put like, twelve, no, fifteen of these bitches behind the wheel of a car and let them just beat the shit out of each other in a demolition derby. Who knows, maybe one of them will die or something. Any press is good press, am I right?”
As insane as it sounds, that’s exactly what these women did. They showed up to a dirt track, practiced driving some ratchet ass cars, and then were unleashed to attempt to kill one another. And you know what? It was fucking awesome. Annaliese makes a valiant attempt to be a giant buzzkill; she can’t stop crying because apparently when she was little she played bumper cars and the big kids kept ramming into her car. She stated that “it was just really traumatizing for me” and I’m like “Bitch, that’s the entire point of bumper cars.” The other girls try to be understanding for like 0.5 seconds but quickly start openly laughing about a grown ass woman crying about her bumper car trauma.
The demolition derby starts with Bibiana screaming out the window “I DON’T EVEN HAVE A DRIVER’S LICENSE” as she attempts to ram her vehicle into everything in sight, which really sets the tone for the entire afternoon. One by one, the women destroy their cars and are eliminated. Seinne (I think? I was refilling my wine) emerges victorious and wins a trophy and a jug of milk. Dream big.
The rest of the date consists of a cocktail party, where approximately three important things happen. First, Chelsea tells Arie she has a three-year-old son and he’s like “That’s cool.” I think she expected some monumental moment, and it didn’t happen. I’m sure we’ll hear plenty more about Chelsea’s son as the season progresses so I’m not too worried. Second, we learn that Seinne went to Yale, which begs the question of why the fuck she’s on this goddamn show to begin with because she is clearly out of Arie’s league. Did he even go to college? And third, Bibiana freaks out when she doesn’t get to spend enough time talking to Arie and throws the first of what I assume will be many tantrums during the remainder of what is likely to be a short time on this show.
As the date draws to an end, Arie calls out both Chelsea and Seinne for having meaningful conversations with him that night, and Chelsea smiles as if she totally has the group date rose in the bag. Arie has other plans because he’s totally honeydicking Chelsea. He ends up giving the rose to Seinne, leaving Chelsea smiling like a goddamn idiot and the rest of the women sulking around.
I’m going to give y’all the abridged version of this week’s cocktail party. While every girl that either didn’t go on a date or didn’t spend much time with Arie on the group date scrambled for time, Krystal bounced around the house, rose in hand, reminding everyone that she already had a rose and had met Arie’s family. Somewhere between her third and fifth drink, Krystal decides that despite having a rose, she needs to spend more time with Arie, so she starts interrupting the other girls to steal more time for herself.
After Krystal gets away with doing this once, she gets even greedier and attempts to steal Arie away for a second time; however, she makes a critical error – she tries to interrupt Bibiana. A fire is ignited with Bibiana during this moment, and as Krystal returns from her conversation, she sits down next to Bibiana, who proceeds to lose her goddamn mind.
“Listen, bitch,” Bibiana starts. “I don’t know who the fuck you think you are, but if you ever so much as look at me again, I will kill you, your family, and everything you hold dear. When I am with my man, you need to step the fuck off. You already have a rose, so as far as I’m concerned, all you are is a selfish bitch.” Krystal, smiling like the Cheshire cat, per usual, attempts to assuage Bibiana, but before she can speak, Bibiana continues. “Wipe that stupid fucking smile off you stupid fucking space. Also, your voice is annoying. Change it. And stop looking at me. Everyone is thinking the same thing, I’m the only one with the balls to say it.”
As far as I’m concerned, this was the only conversation of any importance during the cocktail party, and I am now prepared to move on with my life.
Becca K., Krystal, and Seinne all have roses. The remaining fifteen go to:
1. Maquel – Platinum blonde Bond girl
2. Jacqueline – Crazy Eyes
3. Bekah M. – Pixie Tits
4. Jenna – EYEBROWS
5. Chelsea – The Knockoff, Single Mom version of Olivia “O Face” Caridi
6. Lauren S. – Hot Lauren
7. Tia – Wienertown
8. Annaliese – Bumper Car PTSD
9. Lauren B. – Baby LoLo 2.0
10. Kendall – Stuffed Animal Corpse Enthusiast
11. Brittany – First Kiss Britt
12. Ashley – I still have nothing to say about Ashley
13. Marikh – *flame emoji
14. Caroline –Realtor Bitch
15. Bibiana – Loco Mamasita
That means we say goodbye to Lauren G for Good Teeth,
Prom Kween Waitress Valerie, and Hot Jenny. Lauren G and Valerie both say goodbye to Arie, but Jenny breezes past him without so much as a passing glance. Feeling slighted that Jenny did not acknowledge her public rejection, Arie chases after Jenny.
“I’m not sad about leaving you,” Jenny tells Arie. “I’m sad about leaving my new friends! I’m sad that I have to go back to my real life, which is going to be humiliating because I quit my job and told everyone I know that I’m going to be Insta famous, and going home on Week 2 is, like, totally not going to help me get the followers I need. Flat Tummy Tea will not be impressed. How am I going to be an influencer if no one has even made a GIF of me yet? I’m just hoping that pretending to be ballsy enough to try to walk out without talking to you will generate enough of a stir to get me a spot on Bachelor in Paradise. And even if I do get cast for BIP, now I won’t even be one of the cool girls. I’ll be one of the losers that comes in during like the fifth week and no one will know who I am or want to date me, and I’m going to get humiliated all over again. Fuck that. Fuck you! Goodbye Arie, you literally ruined my future. I’m only 25, but this was supposed to be my peak, and you’ve ruined it. You’ve ruined me.”
With that, Jenny exits the building, and the last vestiges of desire to continue watching any more of this shit exits my soul. Thankfully, that wraps up this week’s episode. It looks like the drama will continue next week; instead of trying to demolish each other in piece of shit cars, the girls are going to literally beat the shit out of one another in a GLOW-style wrestling match, Hot Lauren gets a one-on-one, and Arie continues to rub his pillow lips all over everyone. See you then. .
Image via Twitter / The Bachelor ABC