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Alright folks. I can’t think of any better way to wrap up a holiday weekend designed to honor one of the most important Americans in history than spending the last two waking hours of it watching this week’s dumpster fire of an episode of The Bachelor. In the words of Dr. King himself, “There can be no deep disappointment where there is deep love.” If this holds up, then I must truly have a deep love for this godforsaken franchise because I did, in fact, find this week’s installment to be deeply disappointing. This episode brought us two group dates, a single one-on-one date, a cocktail party, a rose ceremony, and an obvious end of several of the contestants’ sanities. Let’s break it down.
GLOB Group Date
This week’s first group date card reads, “It’s all about the ring” and is for Smokeshow Maquel, Crazy Eyes Jacqueline, Baby LoLo 2.0, Queen of Wieners Tia, Fire Flames Marikh, Bekah M. aka Pixie Tits, Bibiana, and Krystal, who if you missed out on last week’s recap is the bane of my existence.
Although the women on this show are not always the brightest crayons in the box (Seinne and her Ivy League education are exempt from this sweeping generalization), they are able to deduce that the clue on the date card is more likely a reference to boxing or wrestling than that piece of Neil Lane bling they’re all hoping to wave around on their finger in front of a live studio audience during this season’s After The Final Rose special. The ladies selected for the date don their sluttiest athleisurewear and hop onto a party bus, which deposits them in front of a dilapidated gym with a rusty marquee perched atop its entrance, displaying “GLOB” in plastic letters. The budget must be extra tight this season.
The women feign excitement as they enter the gym. Judging by the stains on the wall, I can only imagine this place smells like a potent combination of sweat, urine, and desperation. They are greeted by our His Holiness Chris Harrison posing as an announcer while standing in a wrestling ring. He announces Arie’s arrival to the ring, and the Bachelor himself rolls out wearing a black suit and a small mask as an homage to his “Kissing Bandit” nickname. He looks like a real dweeb.
As the women enter the ring, Chris informs them that this group date will be a total rip off of the Netflix series GLOW, but instead of the “Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling,” it’s the “Gorgeous Ladies of The Bachelor.” Was the marketing department at ABC off this week? To prepare the ladies to wrestle in front of a live studio audience, ABC pulled two of the original GLOW wrestlers out of retirement to serve as instructors for this date. As they climb into the ring, it immediately becomes apparent that while both of these women were probably hot in their prime, one of them was far more judicious in her selection of a plastic surgeon than her counterpart, whose botched work has given her a striking resemblance to the Cynthia doll from Rugrats. Also, I’m using the term “pulled out of retirement” pretty loosely here, because I have a feeling that former GLOW wrestlers probably have a decent amount of time on their hands and their skill set isn’t in the highest demand these days. Just a hunch.
As their training begins, Jacqueline tells the camera, “I’m a little nervous about today’s date, because I am not athletic at all. I want to make a good impression on Arie, but I am going to get my ass beat today.” At least she’s self-aware; time will tell if this experience will give her uncontrollable flashbacks to childhood trauma like our resident special snowflake Annaliese.
The first step in wrestling education is to learn how to do a somersault. I suppose this group skipped that day in preschool. Arie attempts first and splays out on his back and stays down, defeated. Having the spine of a 36-year-old must be a real bitch. Pixie Tits is the first contestant to give it a shot; naturally, she has no issue with the roll, because unlike the rest of the women, she vividly remembers her preschool days, since they were like 6 months ago.
From somersaults, the women graduate to other important wrestling techniques, like bouncing off the ropes. Krystal uses this as an opportunity to giggle in her usual annoying fashion and try to distract Arie with her bouncing breasts. It works. As the women continue to practice, it seems like they’re genuinely having fun; however, the actual GLOW wrestlers are apparently unaccustomed to their students having fun. They start talking mad shit to the girls and slamming them against the rails, telling them their acting is pathetic and that they’d never cut it as wrestlers. To the GLOW wrestlers’ credit, they’re totally right. However, Bibiana and Tia don’t understand that this is all part of the show and get mega butthurt about the shit talking and go sit on a stairwell and have a good cry. It’s annoying. They’re annoying. I don’t want to see emotional tears. I want to see tears when these women beat the shit out of each other.
As the women continue to practice their fake ass wrestling routines where they’re not actually getting hurt because none of this is real, Pixie Tits and Maquel laugh at Bibiana and Tia for being ridiculous babies. Meanwhile, after they run out of tears and realize Arie isn’t coming to console them, Bibiana and Tia decide to put on their big girl panties and return to the play fighting. They’re super proud of themselves, which is really embarrassing for them. If only there was a participation ribbon for them to earn…
The final step of the preparation to become a GLOB wrestler is picking out an alter ego, so the ladies are unleashed in the costume department to find humiliating outfits for their show. Pixie Tits finds a leather bodysuit and some cat ears and dubs herself “Sex Kitten, while Maquel goes from a more understated approach as a lunch lady. Sometimes modest really is hottest. Marikh embraces the spirit of honesty as she transforms herself into Gold Digger. Krystal finds a leopard print suit and declares herself to be a cougar – this choice makes sense too, I just wish I could remember if this was the second or third year in a row that she’s been 29.
For all this anticipation, the actual wrestling match is fairly anticlimactic. Chris Harrison tries to hype the crowd up by bringing out Kenny King, who you may remember as the former professional wrestler from Rachel Lindsay’s season of The Bachelorette. He kicks Arie’s ass for a while but eventually gives up, likely motivated by a small amount of cash that ABC slid him under the table to agree to hose this stupid event. Arie emerges victorious as if there is any real winner in this situation, and the action moves on to the ladies.
Pixie Tits and Maquel duke it out first, and they’re actually pretty convincing. Krystal and Jacqueline give it a good go as well; I can’t remember if Jacqueline was a psychologist or if she’s actually a psychic because she did indeed get her ass beat. Things get sensual when Marikh and Baby Lolo enter the ring; instead of fighting, they mostly rub all over each other and roll around on the ground. There is some genuine concern amongst the rest of the women, as well as the audience, that the two of them are going to start going at it right then and there, and based on their body language, it’s well within the realm of possibility. It’s 2018, do whatever the fuck makes you happy, ladies.
Tia, dressed as a southern belle, and Bibiana costumed as Bridezilla complete with a dinosaur head are the final two contestants to fight. Overcoming their fears of fake wrestling, they pretend to play fight just long enough to get the crowd cheering. I don’t know if the audience is cheering because they’re excited or cheering because this bullshit is finally over. I know which side of that debate I’d be on.
After the girls wash off their make up, change out of their costumes and put on normal clothes, Arie take them to an RV park for the rest of their date. “It’s super romantic!” Tia exclaims. “It feels just like home in Arkansas.” As the ladies sit down, Krystal wastes no time in stealing Arie first. It was astutely pointed out to me that she looks just like the Bride of Chucky and I couldn’t agree more. I also cannot erase that image from my mind. You’re welcome.
From the second Krystal’s face appears on my screen, my blood begins to boil with rage. I hate her more than I’ve ever hated anything, ever. My boiling rage turns into white hot loathing when Krystal opens her mouth. “HiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiii…iiiiiiiiIIIIIIIII,” she tells Ari as they sit down. It doesn’t seem to bother Arie because without as much as a reply he begins to rub his nose against hers before locking lips in his famous kissing bandit style. They make out for a while before Krystal comes up for air. I guess reptiles have to breathe too. “Sooooooo liiiIIIIIIiiike, what am I supposed to do on these group dates?” Krystal asks Arie, breathlessly. “I’m clearly your favorite, so am I supposed to just hang back and let you get to know the other girls or can I continue to be the alpha male and assert my dominance? Tell me what to do, daddy.” Arie smiles softly and strokes her shoulder. “I want you to do whatever is most like you,” he says. Before Krystal has a chance to respond, Baby Lolo interrupts to steal Arie away and send back Krystal back the lake of lava from which she spawned.
Baby Lolo and Arie’s conversation consists of more making out, as does his conversation with Caroline. It isn’t until Bibiana manages to claw her way onto Arie’s couch that this pattern changes. In what can only be described as a classic, fatal, Bachelor flaw Bibiana decides to use her time to complain about Krystal. I don’t know if she has ever watched the show before, but the complaining about another contestant, especially one that the lead clearly likes this early in the season is a guaranteed way to have the Bachelor send your ass packing. It’s a bold strategy. We’ll see how it plays out, Cotton.
As the date continues, Arie spends a fair amount of time with Pixie Tits, who talks about how her most recent breakup was a very cathartic experience. “I thought I was in love with him, but it seemed like we were just moving in really different directions.” Well Bekah, that’s what happens when you move away to college. She spends some more time talking about how freeing it was to be single, which makes sense because she’s 22 and still an idiot.
As the ladies reconvene in the sitting area to await the group date rose, Krystal takes an opportunity to big dick the other girls in Arie’s harem by offering a word of encouragement to them. “I just think it’s so important that we all get to spend time with Arie, and I don’t want to take away from anyone else’s time,” Krystal lies eloquently. I don’t know who died and elected her as God, but this shit is going to get really annoying really quickly. The other’s aren’t having it either. Caroline rolls her eyes so hard that I’m afraid she may have had a stroke and Bibiana actually vomits. If it weren’t for Ann Coulter and Tomi Lahren, Krystal would be the worst blonde in America.
Arie you returns and gives Pixie Tits the group date rose and mercifully benefits Krystal from my television screen for the next half hour.
One-on-One Date with Hot Lauren
I’ll be honest, Hot Lauren’s date was an unmitigated disaster. It should have been so simple – her date card read “You had me at merlot,” and Arie picked her up in a private plane to fly her to Napa to go wine tasting. Any basic bitch knows that all you have to do on this date is sip wine, look cute, and not be a fucking weirdo. Unfortunately for Hot Lauren, she only managed to accomplish one of those tasks.
The date started off normally. Arie and Hot Lauren stroll hand-in-hand through rows of grape vines, drink wine, pick some grapes, drink wine, look at each other longingly, drink wine, and talk about how they’re both old and like to go to bed early. It’s super romantic if you think the type of conversation you’d have with your grandmother at her nursing home is hot. They also spend an extended amount of time talking about how much fun they’re having. This may the first sign of trouble – if all you can talk about is how much fun you’re having, you may not be having that much fun.
As they arrive to dinner one thing becomes clear: Hot Lauren is hammered. I don’t blame her – sometimes I also confuse wine tasting with wine chugging. I confuse most events including wine as wine chugging. Arie tells her he wants to know more about her and she launches into what should be totally normal date conversation. This isn’t exactly a surprising question. However between her nerves and her steadily rising BAC, Hot Lauren projectile word vomits as if she’s a passenger on the Oregon Trail rapidly dying of dysentery, spewing utter nonsense out of every orifice of her body.
In a cutaway interview, Lauren tells the camera that she knows she’s not being herself; it’s a surprisingly lucid and candid moment that I think most of us understand. Who hasn’t had a first date where they got so nervous they ended up drinking an entire bottle of wine prior to the arrival of their date before proceeding to slam three whiskeys between arriving at the restaurant and eating dinner, resulting in the inexplicable need to launch into a detailed account about how each important relationship in your life has fucked you up in a different way? Just me and Hot Lauren? Cool. I’ll show myself out.
For most of the date, it was difficult to tell how Arie truly felt about Hot Lauren. However, in the middle of her verbal diarrhea, he starts eating his dinner. This may seem innocuous, but in the five seasons of The Bachelor franchise that I’ve scrutinized I have never seen a lead eat a meal on a date. The food always goes untouched. Always. Until this moment, I wasn’t even sure it was real food. Who knows? Maybe it isn’t real food. Maybe this date is so bad that Arie would rather eat fake food than listen to one more moment of the ramblings of this drunk blonde. Once his cold and possible Styrofoam steak is masticated, Arie puts down his fork and picks up the date rose. Hot Lauren opens her Disney princess eyes wide; they’d started to droop a little bit – either that or she was squinting to try to figure out which of the two Aries she now saw in front of her was her true target.
Arie doesn’t waste any time. “Listen, you’re great but I’m not into this.” Hot Lauren is clearly disappointed, but not blind-sided. “This really bums me out,” she replies. “I can’t blame you though. I know I’m supposed to hide my crazy but it all came gushing out, I just couldn’t stop it.”
Arie walks Hot Lauren to her limo and walks back into the chateau at the vineyard, pensively twirling his ungifted rose as a string quartet plays a somber tune. It’s a sad day for everyone.
Crazy Bitches Group Date
The second group date card of the week arrives and is addressed to Ashley, Becca K., First Kiss Britt, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, and Annaliese and reads, “Love is ruff!” Once they realize that the spelling of “ruff” likely suggest their date will involve dogs, Annaliese panics. With tears in her eyes, she tells the camera about her multiple traumatic experiences with dogs. At this point, it is unclear whether her dog trauma supercedes her bumper car trauma, but I suspect time will tell. I’m starting to really understand why she’s 32 and still single as fuck, and I don’t think it’s just because without makeup she resembles Roger the alien from American Dad.
The date starts as the ladies meet Arie at a random park. They go apeshit when they see that he has brought his own dog to meet them, and their screams crescendo into an outright cacophony when Arie blows whistle to summon even more puppies for the ladies. They learn that their date will consist of a public performance where they will get these dogs to do tricks, so for the next several hours they bribe the puppers with treats and get them to jump through hula hoops and do other cool shit. Never have I ever wanted so badly to punch one of these bitches out and take their spot on a group date. Please bring me all of the dogs.
Most of the women are more ecstatic about the opportunity to play with dogs then they are to play with Arie. Annaliese, on the other hand, join her canine companion in taking a fat shit on the ground out of pure terror. It’s not a good luck
The editing on this date is kind of choppy – we go from training dogs in the park to parading the women, now dressed in circus costumes, through the streets of LA with their dogs in tow. They arrive at another park where they attempt to put on a dog show; however, none of the dogs will listen and the entire thing turns into a fiasco. There are children crying, more dogs shitting, Annaliese acting as the designated pooper scooper, and me rolling my eyes as I refill my glass of wine.
Eventually they give up on this bullshit, change out of their stage costumes, put on normal clothes and go to a converted bank for the rest of the evening. Arie pulls Chelsea aside first – this time it’s him asking her for time instead of the reverse. She said today’s date was difficult for her because she saw children and it made her miss her own little fuck trophy. It’s touching. Not really. I’m bored.
To be honest, Arie spends most of the date making out with each of the girls sequentially. I’m starting to sense a trend here. When it comes for his time with Annaliese, things slow down. By slow down, I mean things begin to move at the same speed as a glacier stuck in molasses on a bomb cyclone morning. Annaliese is tossing out vibes left and right, although her constant nervous laughing and inability to answer any of Arie’s questions obscures it. Instead of accomplishing her goal of getting closer to Arie, she allows Arie to leave plenty of room for Jesus between them during their very platonic conversation. Arie is put out of his misery as Annaliese is interrupted by one of the infinite ombre-blondes on this season for a quick face sucking session.
Eventaully Chelsea gets the group date rose. Joy abounds. Just kidding. The date was stupid.
I normally am a huge supporter of the ABC producers and the sly little tricks they play on the contestants, but this week they decided to be downright cruel. To have a special moment with Arie to make up for her lackluster performance on the group date, Bibiana set up a day bed out on the patio with a telescope and some pillows and a blanket. She had everything planned out, and clearly had the producers’ support; she may be crazy, but she isn’t “pack a telescope when you’re going on The Bachelor” level of crazy.
Instead of letting Bibiana have her moment, the producers must have prodded several of the other contestants to utilize her day bed for their own festivities. While Bibiana was patiently waiting for time with Arie, she takes a quick stroll around the mansion to check on her set up, only to find Arie and some of the other ladies rounding second base among her carefully curated throw pillows. Naturally, she’s pissed as fuck which prompts her to once again lose her goddamn mind.
While things are clearly going well for most of the women as they each engage in voracious games of tonsil hockey, Annaliese joins Bibiana in her discontentment with the evening. Since everyone else has kissed Arie, Annaliese listens to her hormone monster and lures Arie out on to a balcony for a tender kiss. She tells him that she’s “not the kind of girl to make the first move,” to which Arie replies that he doesn’t think they’re relationship is quite to the kissing stage yet. The irony of this statement is that as he wipes his brow during the conversation. Annaliese admits defeat and goes to cry in the bathroom like a grown up. Annaliese seems like the type of girl who refers to sex as “intercourse.”
After ditching Annaliese, Arie has a very interesting conversation with Pixie Tits. He asks her if she even wants to get married, add to that she responds with giggling as if she’s at a fourth grade sleepover. Actually, this may be a fourth grade sleepover for her. He tells her that he guards himself around her, to which she responds “It’s because I’m not a safe bet – because you know that I don’t need you, and that isn’t something that you’re used to.” Pixie Tits may be on to something, or it could be that Arie’s much more comfortable with Chris Harrison then with Chris Hansen. Pixie Tits continues, “You seem to have a tendency to go after people that need you more than you need them. I think that’s why you have a thing for moms.” Holy shit, she isn’t pulling any punches. For as much shit as she gives him, I’m a fan of this one.
After having a real conversation, Arie needs to blow off some steam, so he lets Jenna mount him as they make out very aggressively. In the midst of the dry humping, Annaliese pulls herself together to walk right into some adult-type traumatic experiences. After using a fire hose to peel Jenna away, she corners Arie once again, asking if he even sees any potential future where they end up together. Arie ponders before answering. “I don’t know a polite way to say this, but there’s no fucking chance, Annaliese. You are an unfunny version of Leslie Mann and I would rather 127 Hours my dick off after getting it stuck in a bear trap than put it anywhere near you.”
He walks Annaliese to her limo, chugs some vodka, rails a line, and heads to the Rose Ceremony.
Since Chelsea and Pixie Tits have roses and Arie already sent Hot Lauren home and Annaliese to get professional help, only one of the remaining women is getting the boot tonight; basically, this entire rose ceremony is a ruse to humiliate one woman with a public rejection. Classic ABC. The remaining thirteen roses go to:
1. Caroline – Realtor HBIC
2. Kendall – Stuffed Animal Corpse Enthusiast
3. Ashley – After 3 weeks, I still have nothing to say about Ashley
4. Lauren B – Her prize for surviving the purge of Lauren 4, Lauren with the Good Teeth, and Hot Lauren will be dropping her last initial and becoming just Lauren
5. Brittany – First Kiss Britt
6. Becca K – Cross Tat and Louboutins
7. Seinne- Went to Yale, too good for this show
8. Krystal – Weird, I thought it was supposed to be spelled S-A-T-A-N
9. Tia – Really hoping to upgrade from Wiener, Arkansas to Arie’s instead
10. Maquel – Platinum blonde bombshell
11. Jenna – Turns out riding him like Seabiscuit during the cocktail party does pay off
12. Jacqueline – Crazy Eyes, possibly psychic, no screen time
13. Marikh – *sizzle
This means that in addition to Hot Lauren and Childhood Trauma Annaliese, we are saying goodbye to Bibiana. She will be sorely missed, as she made it clear she had no problem speaking her mind to not only that bitch Krystal, but really to anyone who would listen. Methinks she may have flown too close to the sun on this one, but I have a feeling that she’ll make a triumphant return to our televisions on Bachelor in Paradise, where her particular breed of insanity will be welcome.
Well folks, that’s it for this week. Free at last. Next week it looks like the crew is going to leave the Bachelor mansion because it’s time for the health department to scrape the herpes off the walls and skim the gonorrhea out of the pool. Lake Tahoe is their first destination and I anticipate by the end of the week there will definitely be more than one hoe in that lake. See you then. .