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A Dude’s Breakdown of Arie’s Bachelor Contestants

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Bachelor

Alright folks, the doctor is back. Although I’ve been in hibernation (just kidding, I’ve been working 80 hours a week and can’t remember the last time I slept more than five hours) since the finale of The Bachelorette, when Rachel Lindsay ripped out our collective hearts by choosing Bryan over Peter, I’m ready for another bullshit exciting season of The Bachelor. For the past few years, with the exception of Nick Viall, the leading man for The Bachelor has been a contestant on the most recent season of The Bachelorette; however, the producers at ABC decided to take casting in a different direction for the upcoming season.

Arie Luyendyk, whose name I can barely spell, much less pronounce, is a race car driver who made his Bachelorette debut in 2012 on Emily Maynard’s season, which in Bachelor franchise years basically makes him old enough to be a dinosaur. There’s nothing wrong with being a dinosaur, and if the success of Jurassic World is any indication, the world is ripe for another dinosaur to fuck shit up for our entertainment. As an early Christmas gift, ABC has bestowed upon us the bios of the twenty-nine attention-seeking outgoing ladies who are hoping to find Instagram fame with Arie this season. Let’s break it down:

Ali, 27, Personal Stylist, Lawton, OK
She listens to Nickelback. Next.

Amber, 29, Business Owner, Denver, CO
I love when these contestants say that they’re “business owners.” What kind of business do you own, Amber? Since you’re in Colorado, is that code for “I own a dispensary”? If so, more power to you. Green makes the green. If it’s a taco truck, I’m very intrigued. Contemplation aside, my guess is Amber is the type of gal who hawks shit on her Facebook for her mommy blogger friends. She’s attractive enough to stick around for it to become apparent how goddamn boring she is.

Analiese, 32, Event Designer, San Mateo, CA
I have a lot of thoughts about Annaliese. First off, she’s hot. That being said, she’s 32, single, and willing to come on The Bachelor, so she’s probably insane. Actually, those are all my thoughts on Annaliese.

Ashley, 25, Real Estate Agent, West Palm Beach, FL
She says that her favorite movies are No Country For Old Men and Superbad, so I’d be down to kick it with Ashley. She seems like the type of girl who is going to be underrated on the season but could have a decent Paradise run.

Becca K., 27, Publicist, Prior Lake, MN
Becca K. seems like a sweet girl, but in her bio photo, she has a very strange smile, like instead of saying “Cheese!” or “250K Instagram followers” the photographer taking that picture yelled “There’s a homeless man shitting on the hood of your car” to get a reaction out of her. In her bio, the five things she can’t live without are chapstick, facial lotion, bobby pins, popcorn, and stamps. The first four things are stupid, but like, I get it. But stamps? Stamps? Who the fuck can’t live without stamps?

Bekah M., Nanny, Fresno, CA
If any of you out there are Scrubs aficionados, you’ll notice that Bekah M. is a dead ringer for a character named Gooch. Therefore, I’m going to call her Gooch. Unless Arie is into girls that look like Bratz dolls with chop jobs, I doubt she’ll make it long.

Bibiana, 30, Executive Assistant, Miami, FL
I am terrified of Bibiana. She is very attractive, but no one has a name like Bibiana without being dangerously close to plummeting off the slope of the hot/crazy scale. She was also a cheerleader for the Dolphins, which doesn’t help the case for her mental stability. She bears a striking resemblance to prior Bachelor contestant Lace and I would wager she has, at minimum, keyed every one of her exes’ cars post break-up.

Bri, 25, Sports Reporter, Grants Pass, OR
If Bri could have lunch with any three people in the world, she said she’d pick her deceased grandmother, Barack Obama, and Audrey Hepburn. She also said she’d order shots for lunch, and I respect that commitment to being aggressive with the daytime drinking in questionably appropriate situations. It also helps that she’s a bombshell. If she’s not a psychopath, she could stick around for a while. Even if she is a psychopath, she could stick around for a while.

Brittane J. Marketing Manager, San Diego, CA
If Nicki Minaj and Cardi B had a love child, it would be Brittane J. I’m weirdly into it. In five years, she sees herself being married, opening up her own wine and tapas bar, and working towards having a child. I hope by “working towards having a child,” she means getting laid regularly, because if so, same here.

Brittany T., 30 Tech Recruiter, Columbia, SC
Brittany T. is quite pretty but her bio is quite boring. She better step her game up or I have a feeling she’ll be a causality of Brittane J. trying to drop that last initial and be the only Brit left standing.

Caroline, 26, Realtor, Holliston, MA
If Caroline could be anyone else in the world, she’d be Wonder Woman. She also LOVES to blast Celine Dion in the car. Basically, Caroline is every white girl ever.

Chelsea, 29, Real Estate Executive Assistant, South Portland, ME
When asked which non-US city she finds most romantic, Chelsea’s answer was “France.” France is not a city. At least she’s pretty…well, that is if she’s just squinting a little bit in her bio photo and doesn’t actually have a lazy eye.

Jacqueline, 26, Research Coordinator, Morgantown, WV
Looking at Jacqueline makes my butthole tighten up, and not in a good way. I think she’s trying to smile in her photo, and if her goal was to give off the aura of a woman who has severed a man’s penis and has #noregrets about doing it, she’s killing the game. Otherwise, she comes across as a little unapproachable (read: batshit). Her bio says she wants to get a PhD in chemical psychology – before going to medical school I was a psychology major and I have never heard of this field, so either I drank too much in undergrad to remember that chemical psychology is a thing that exists, or Jacqueline is full of shit. It’s a toss up.

Jenna, 28, Social Media Manager, Upland, IN
Once Jenna broke her wrist riding a mechanical bull, so we know she likes to party. If Arie likes blondes and Jenna doesn’t do anything weird, she could easily slide into the top ten.

Jenny, 25, Graphic Designer, Northbrook, IL
Full disclosure, I didn’t even both to read Jenny’s bio. I don’t normally go for blondes, but hot damn she is good looking and I may have already followed her on Instagram. Can’t wait to see her Flat Tummy Tea and Sugar Bear Hair ads in the next 3-6 months.

Jessica, 26, Television Host, Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Jessica loves Crossfit and building houses for homeless families in Mexico. If being Canadian is the worst thing about her, then Arie may want to consider putting a ring on it now.

Kendall, 26, Creative Director, Santa Clarita, CA
Kendall is hot, but she is weird. Her bio says that she collects taxidermy and that’s as far down that rabbit hole I want to go. She’ll stick around for about half the season as the token oddball before her eccentricity goes from being endearing to disturbing.

Krystal, 29, Fitness Coach, Missoula, MT
Krystal is probably a solid 9.5 back at the Planet Fitness in Missoula, so the Bachelor Mansion is going to be a rude awakening for her.

Lauren B., 25, Tech Salesperson, Virginia Beach, VA
I actually did a double take because this season’s Lauren B. bears a frightening resemblance to Lauren Bushnell, the winner of Ben Higgins’s season of The Bachelor. Alas, it is not Baby LoLo giving a final “fuck you” to Ben, because that would be some incredible television. This Lauren B. is a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, so I will go easy on the shit-talking because she could legitimately murder me.

Lauren G., 26, Executive Recruiter, Indianapolis, IN
If Rachel Lindsay had gotten Invisalign, her and Lauren G. could be twins.

Lauren J., 33, Recent Masters Graduate, New Roads, LA
Unfortunately for Lauren J., she is the least attractive of the four Laurens this season, and thus by Bachelor tradition cannot advance past night one, because four Laurens is too many to remember. Judging by her photo, she’s the mom of her friend group.

Lauren S., Social Media Manager, Dallas, TX
She likes Harry Potter and Taylor Swift, which is all I need to know about her. Move over Lauren H., Crick has a new Lauren in his life. Lauren S., if you’re still single at the end of this, hit me up @CrickWatsonMD on Twitter.

Maquel, 23, Photographer, American Fork, UT
Well, it was either The Bachelor or Sister Wives so….

Marikh, 27, Restaurant Owner, Salt Lake City, UT
Marikh is incredibly attractive. I would say more about her but I keep staring at her photo because she’s incredibly attractive. Did I say she’s attractive?

Nysha, 30, Orthopedic Nurse, Belton, SC
There’s nothing wrong with Nysha, but after getting paged so many times by nurses this weekend that I had to change the battery in my pager, seeing nurses still gives me a visceral rage and I need to move on with my life and get over it but I can’t just yet. Sorry Nysha. Next.

Olivia, 23, Marketing Associate, Geneseo, IL
Olivia’s favorite book of all time is 50 Shades of Grey which means she’s either illiterate or into kinky shit. Probably both. Also Arie was in middle school when she was born which makes me feel gross inside.

Seinne, 27, Commercial Real Estate Manager, Long Beach, CA
Seinne is also gorgeous. Arie – you are a lucky man because I think this may be the most attractive casting of the The Bachelor yet. Seinne’s favorite TV show is Game of Thrones, and even though she says she gets confused a lot, I’d be willing to break my “No talking during Game of Thrones” rule for her.

Tia, 26, Physical Therapst, Weiner, AR
I can’t stop laughing about the fact that Tia is from a placed called Weiner. She’s Raven from Nick’s season’s best friend from growing up, so hopefully ABC can spring for subtitles so we know what the hell she’s saying.

Valerie, 25, Server, Nashville, TN
I have a feeling that being a “server from Nashville” may mean that Valerie is trying to use the Bachelor franchise to catapult her career into something besides being a “server from Nashville.” If you ask me, it seems like she may not be here for the right reasons. Time will tell.

There you have it – this seasons harem group of twenty-nine women, all competing for the chance to receive a Neil Lane ring from a washed-up D-list celebrity. Who says love isn’t real? The Bachelor starts on January 1st, so prepare for your New Years hangovers accordingly. See you then.

Image via ABC

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Crick Watson MD

Trust me, I'm a doctor.

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