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What are drugs good for? They alter your mindset, change your inhibitions, and just generally fuck you up. Some are good. Some are bad. Some can be good or bad. It all depends on how you do them. You’re not 17 anymore. The days of getting super high whenever and however you want are over. As an adult, drug use must be planned, limited, and scheduled. Like every other aspect of life, getting older has made doing drugs more complicated. That’s why I’ve created a handy guide to help you get stoned like the grownup you are.
*This guide is purely hypothetical. Nick does not advocate the use of any drugs, and has never done any himself. If any recruiter is reading this, please stop. Please.
Marijuna
Remember when we could blaze up at a moment’s notice, with no thought to what the future held or how it would affect us? I mean I don’t remember remember, but I’m sure it happened. As an adult, getting high takes more preparation. Weed is definitely the most accepted drug and may even be legal in your state, but that doesn’t mean you can be cashed whenever you want. You have responsibilities now. Assuming your job doesn’t drug test, this is a “weeknights and weekend” drug, at most. Gone are the days of waking and baking with no worry in the world. Now, if you show up to an 11 a.m. client meeting with your eyes as red as the devil’s dick, you’re going to get, at the very least, talked to by HR. If your job does drug test, I’m sorry. You shouldn’t even be reading this column.
Cocaine
One of the most shocking things I realized after graduating is that everyone and their mothers do coke. All of the upstanding young professionals (and old professionals) who seem responsible and put together at work can be found leaving a bar bathroom with several of their friends and a newfound sense of energy on the weekends. The truth is, everyone’s too fucking tired to rage after a 50-hour week, so they turn to this natural, organic energy supplement. You can do this drug on Friday and Saturday nights assuming you don’t have shit to do the next day. If you have to go furniture shopping Sunday morning, the last thing you want to do is be blowing gator tails at 5 a.m. the night (morning?) before.
Ecstasy/Molly/MDMA
The ultimate party drug. These pills will give you unbridled happiness, if only for a few hours, before they come to collect their debt. You’ll think this is a great idea until the next day when you realize you just used up your body’s serotonin for the week. If you’re set on chasing your youth and want to do this, please do so sparingly. Maybe drop some pills before seeing Kaskade in Vegas, but don’t make it a regular thing. Doing ecstasy in some random dive bar is just sad. Also, if you’re over 24, good luck. It’ll take you a full week to recover and you’ll be so depressed at work the office mom will bake you cookies to cheer you up.
Adderall
Ah, now that’s an adult drug. Sure, you used to use it in college to cram for an exam, but you were just wasting its potential. As a grownup, you can fully appreciate the benefits of a drug that makes you more alert and concentrated on tasks at hand. You can use this in all aspects of your life. Got a big presentation at work? Take an addy. Need to do some research on your college football bets? Take an extended release and spend 12 hours reading analysts’ columns. Have to put together an Ikea dresser with your significant other? Split a 10 mg and rail lines together before opening the box. That’s mature as shit.
Xanax
Apparently, this is the drug of choice for kids nowadays, and I think that’s hilarious. I could not have been less stressed when I was in college. My only priorities were finding booze, finding girls, and combining them both as often as possible. If I was taking bars in college, I would be so chilled out my bones would actively dissolve and I would melt into the sheet-less mattress I slept on for my entire sophomore year. As an adult, however, taking Xanax is dope. Sure, it’s less about fun as it is about not letting the weight your responsibilities give you a panic attack in a mall food court while you try to find your girlfriend the perfect Christmas gift so she doesn’t leave you for someone more successful. Or so I’ve heard. If you have a prescription, take as prescribed. If you don’t have a prescription, get one, then take as prescribed.
Vicodin
This drug was made for adults. Not to abuse, or because it gets you high, of course. Because your body is falling apart. Use whenever you throw your back out bending down to put the toilet seat up or whenever the chiropractor gets unnecessarily aggressive trying to shove your old-ass vertebras back into place. Or any time it rains, snows, or gets colder than 65. Fuck 18-year-old you who thought you could make it to the NFL if you just “played through the pain.”
Meth
Don’t do meth. Unless you want to make those nightmares of you losing your teeth and your job come true, for the love of everything holy, do not do meth.
Heroin
Come on, guys. The only injections you should get is a B12 shot from your general practitioner as a little pick-me-up. Please, no one do heroin. .
Respond
Why do drugs when you can just get high on the preachings of our lord and savior Jesus Christ?
…pass.
I often forget to list this with my litany of dating problems but finding a guy who appears to have his life together and also doesn’t do cocaine is way more difficult than I anticipated.
I went out with a group of friends- including a guy I had a thing for. He professed his love for me so I asked my friend how drunk he was. Her response was “Natalie he did so much coke before we left.”
*non-drug induced* Sup?
Where do people even find coke these days?
It’s insanely easy to find, I just don’t know how people afford it on a regular basis. I tried it once and really don’t see the appeal. You get a big boost in energy for like 20 minutes and then you’re fiending for more the rest of the night. And if you’re at a crowded bar, have fun spending the entire night in line for the bathroom. Not really worth the $200 price tag.
You got ripped off
Sup
You mean you don’t like when he uses the bathroom 15 times?
It comes with age. eventually you realize an extra 3 hours at the bars isn’t worth the 3 days of depression that follows.
As a guy with an unusually small bladder please don’t assume that when I go to the bathroom it is to do blow, I literally am just using the bathroom. I feel like I am getting shot down for a lot of second dates because of this assumption.
New girlfriend knows I do coke on occasion and doesn’t judge me, try doing the same 🙂
That’s not healthy.
What are you a doctor?!?!
I fully acknowledge that this is a (well written) comedy article and no one is actually encouraging drug abuse. Just a friendly heads up that the road from Vicodin to Heroin is WAY shorter than you’d think. Unlike DARE bullshit, that actually is a gateway drug.
Couldn’t agree more know a number of guys who got started on prescription pain killers that are fighting to get clean of H and that’s not an easy fight.
Like half the middle of the country? We’re in an opioid epidemic, even Trump says so…
I’ll encourage it, just don’t do downers
Nick, you forgot about psychedelics. I think @Nived needs to write a follow up.
On it
Had to leave it to the expert.
UGHHHHHHHHHHHH
Jimbo, you and I are gonna drop some ‘cid on one of them fancy private jets and then realize that we are vessels for the soul traveling at high velocity in another vessel
okay so what about LSD, asking for a friend
It’s awesome but you have to understand it lasts for 10 hours. Don’t do after 5 pm.
Exactly. No adult has that much free time
Take it at like noon, make sure you have zero obligations that day, turn off your phone (can’t stress that one enough), have one or two chill people take it with you, and it’s best in an environment where you don’t need to interact with anyone. Also pro tip, have someone there that’s sober but has done it before to keep an eye on you if you’re a first timer.
Hi kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don’t buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free!
Best Christmas movie.
Booger sugar?! I can’t even handle the morning after a good happy hour. How do these people do it?
Idk how people can still routinely do drugs after college I’d have constant anxiety attacks of getting laid off and then not being able to find a job cause I couldn’t pass a drug test
I don’t know any company that does random drug tests for average corporate jobs. If you plan on making a switch, once you start applying just start detoxing. The devils lettuce is the only thing that actually stays in your system for an extended period of time. Mostly everything else is out by the time Monday/ Tuesday rolls around, which is ironic.
it really is shocking when you first realize how popular cocaine actually is
Aren’t adderrall and meth basically the same shit chemically speaking?
Yes, but you see, the difference is that big pharma produces a well crafted commercial telling you to ask your Dr. for it. Totally different situations.
It’s sad that these marketing losers at these big pharma companies spend millions to market a drug that has already had widespread use and brand awareness on the streets with literally no marketing/advertising budget at all. Goes to show you how pointless college degrees in marketing are. Kids, the moral of this story is….sell drugs and make way more money than you though possible and also get some guns for protection, Mexico was built off the drug trade and much of our law enforcement budget is propped up by the drug trade and CIA black money operations. Everything is a lie except for the shit I tell you. No joke. No “lol” . *gunshot*
“You mean like how you told me not to smoke weed as a kid, but secretly you were doing it all the time?”
“Not all the time….just everyday after work and all day on the weekends”