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The English language, when used correctly, can be a stunningly beautiful thing. Framing sentences so eloquently as to strike a chord with your audience is a difficult thing to do, something I strive for in every column I write. I’ll never forget a scene in one of my favorite movies, the cult classic Donnie Darko, where a fresh-faced Jake Gyllenhaal stares blankly through his English lecture as Drew Barrymore explains that the term “cellar door” is one of the most beautiful pairings of words in the language.
But this column isn’t about stunningly beautiful words. This column is about bad words. Not the kind of bad words that your parents told you not to say when you were growing up. No, I’m talking about the words that you hear and make you cringe. The words that cause you to use an additional ten words to describe something instead of just using that word. Let’s spice things up a little bit.
Yeast
For some reason, the first thing that comes to mind when I hear the word “yeast” is a buttered popcorn flavored jelly bean. It’s foul. It shouldn’t exist. It doesn’t matter if we’re making bread or going to the pharmacy, I will always grimace when hearing this word.
Secrete
You ever scrape your arm on something and it’s not bleeding but it’s, like, wet for some reason? Sometimes it stings to touch it, and then whatever finger you touched it with gets all sticky for no good reason? That’s where my head goes when I hear “secrete.”
Renal
This word is literally just about kidneys, but for some reason it makes me think of the stories I heard from when I had a buddy who tried to be an MMA fighter and then pissed blood after one of his fights. I’m not actually sure that happened, but it sounds accurate. No thanks.
Panties
Not necessarily a disgusting word, but mostly one that makes me feel uncomfortable. It’s weird. I have no problem with women’s underwear, none whatsoever. But the issue I have with the word “panties” is that I don’t know how to annunciate it. Is it a hard t? Do I just leave the “t” out and pronounce it “pannies?” That’s why I just steer clear of discussions regarding undergarments in the first place.
Slurp
It sucks because when you go to a bougie ramen restaurant, you’re supposed to make a slurping noise when eating. And even though the sound of slurping something and the word slurp might sound different in some contexts, I won’t lie, this word makes my butt clench up a little bit. It’s unnerving.
Discharge
I’m not even 100% clear on what discharge is, which is why I’m so incredibly thankful that I rarely have to use it in a sentence unless I’m talking about leaving a hospital or the military. That being said, It makes me think of Elmer’s glue. I don’t know why, but I would like to move onto the next word now.
Flaps
There is nothing that can describe the connotations that this word carries other than the word “dirty.” For some reason, the only context I can see this word actually being spoken is by an overweight cashier at a truck stop in southern Arkansas, probably in reference to cleaning the flaps or something.
Damp
I’m just going to be honest, I think this word is worst than “moist.” When I hear “damp,” I think of pubic hair on a hot summer day. I think of the smell in my laundry room when something was dripping onto a rag and the rag just sat there for a few days. I think of the seats at a 4-D movie theater and how I’m not absolutely clear how they get cleaned. Remove “damp” from your vocabulary.
Girth
This makes me think of lunchmeat. I’m talking straight-up Cold Cut Combo. I don’t know why, but whenever the discussion of length vs. girth comes up, I always tune out. Maybe it’s because “girth” sounds like something that someone might grunt during climax. I’m not really sure, but I don’t want to question it.
Squirm
Squirm reminds me of what a lobster does when it gets dropped into a pot of boiling water. It gives me this uneasy feeling, like fighting to get out of some kind of constraints before dying a violent death. It’s also what I do whenever I see a spider. .
Image via YouTube
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Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
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Every one of these is a sexual word. I think I found the root of your problem.
Renal?
You’ve never had renal sex?
“I didn’t wash my dick before sex and gave that girl a renal infection”
-A fucking psycho
Who are you fucking that grunts “girth” when they climax??
A monster
Both my mind and lady parts feel personally victimized by this word. Big nope on girth.
Moist. Most disgusting word ever.
Just wait until you have a breastfeeding spouse and get to hear words like “express” and “lactate” and “chaff” and “leak”.
Y’all ever seen the video of the psychopath that makes bread using yeast from her yeast infection because #feminism? Happy Friday
And that, my friends, is how you ruin a Friday
Is this the Two Girls One Cup of 2017?
I don’t get all of these “cringe words”. They are just words. Either that, or I’m a psychopath
I cannot stand the word “crusty”. It gives me shivers I hate it so much. Makes me think of scabs or the gunk in eyes in the morning.
Gotta love overweight cashiers in southern Arkansas!!
What’s so reprehensible about southern Arkansas in particular? Haven’t you observed the northern Arkansas/Ozark cultural practices in “Winter’s Bone”?
Do you though?
Masticate. No one ever lets you use it at a dinner party without derailing the conversation.
As someone who’s worked with medical professionals, trust me Charles you do not want to see a discharge. Nothing that is being discharged is ever pleasant