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You’re scrolling through your Instagram on a Monday morning, trying to fight off the residual hangover and general malaise that comes with the start of a work week. Sandwiched in between photos of Insta-models in bikinis trying to sell you Bubble Tea or some crap, you see the photo that causes you to stop your casual scrolling. It’s a photo of a guy and a girl, her left hand resting in the cliched pose against his chest, with the caption gleefully squealing about “this guy” or some pun mixing their last names. The story might have another photo, prominently featuring a close-up of the ring.
Your heart drops into that pit in your stomach. The day has finally come. The day that has been slowly creeping closer. The day that you have dreaded, but knew was inevitable. They’re engaged .
Maybe it’s your first crush from back in high school. Maybe it’s an ex that you never quite got over. Maybe it’s that girl or guy who works across the office from you. Whoever it may be, it’s that person who has always been in the back of your mind. You always thought one day, if you fixed all your shit and the circumstances improved, you’d end up together.
When they entered into a relationship, you were a bit nervous but assumed it wasn’t serious. As it stretched on, your worries grew, but you always held out hopes that behind the smiling pictures there were cracks in the relationship that could lead to a full-scale split. Now, however, that dream is dashed.
Well, some time ago, I saw such a picture from a girl I was way into back in my youth. And since then, all the way through the wedding (yes, unfortunately despite all I did to the voodoo doll of her fiancee they did get married), I went through the five stages of grief. Know that if and when this happens, you are not alone.
Denial (Days 1 – 3)
No, no way this cannot be happening. They’ve only been dating for like what, a year and change? Who gets engaged after dating for that long? Have they even been living together? Let me check her timeline…
Two months? They’ve been living together for two months and they’re getting engaged? Who are these people? You gotta be dating for a couple of years before you move in together, and then live together for at least a year before the engagement. That’s the rule! They’re just flouting all of our society’s conventions! It’s egregious, ridiculous, sacrilegious!
Deep breaths. Maybe it won’t work out. I mean, they’re only engaged. Engagements get called off all the time, right? At least they do in movies. And they’ve been living together for such a short period of time… I bet she’s going to wise up and she’ll be back single and waiting for you in just six months time.
Anger (Week 1 – Week 5)
Seriously, how can she be engaged to this asshat? I mean, look at this guy out on a boat trip with his frat brothers from college, acting like they’re still 20. Like 100% he’s double dipping with one of those girls that are drinking behind him. And the fucking hashtags. Broseidon Lord of the Brocean? Did you just step out of a time machine from 2009, Brad?
Brad. What a stupid-ass name. Has there ever been a person named Brad who wasn’t either a complete tool or weird as all hell? And somehow this guy crosses off both the douchebag and creepy boxes in one fell swoop. He has a stuffed pheasant above his bed…I mean who does that? Why would anyone want a dead bird in their room? It’s not that impressive to kill a pheasant, they’re like the easiest birds to kill. Give me a gun and a day out in the woods, I could bag a pheasant. Well maybe not me, but an average man with better hand-eye coordination and fewer nerves could.
Seriously, how can she be so into someone who’s such a goddamn bro cliche? She’s so much better than him. She deserves better than him.
Oh God, I sound like the classic Nice Guy now. Oh, double fuck you, Brad, you dickhole. Now you’ve turned me into the pathetic crying dude in every high school TV show ever. Screw you, your father’s boat, your preppy shirt, and nonchalant athleticism sculpted by summers at a lacrosse camp that doesn’t accept anyone who comes from a household with less than an annual six-figure income. Congrats on hitting the life lottery and getting everything us mere mortals struggle to get.
Bargaining (Month 2 – Month 6)
Come on, buddy, there’s still hope here. She’s gonna be in town next week it’s now or never. You can win her away from this clearly doomed relationship. Invite her over, get some red wine into her, pretty soon you’re laughing just like back in college and she’s starting to think, “Hey, I never realized how cute Josh is.”
Maybe Brad (pft, loser name) will text her something insensitive and she’ll get angry at him. Maybe he’ll accidentally FaceTime her from a bar with that hot coworker she doesn’t like. Maybe they’ll fight right in front of you. Maybe she’ll shove you, one of her old friends into his face to show that she doesn’t need him either. And then – POW. You two are kissing, just like you’ve always hoped for.
And when it’s all over, when all the dust has settled, you can finally tell her how you feel. Not in the sappy, creepy romantic way from movies. In a “you know Brad sucks, but I’ve always wanted to be with you and just never had the courage to ask” way.
Even if they don’t have some big falling out (fingers crossed, lots of prayers up to the big guy on that one), you can still let her know how you feel. Who knows, maybe she’s always felt the same way and been too scared herself. And when you reveal your feelings, she’ll get confused, break up with Brad, and you’ll end up together like in those sappy rom-coms.
The point is, you’re not out of this yet. There’s still time for you to wiggle your way in there. More importantly: there’s more time for Brad to screw this up. And he will, I mean…just look at this Black & Decker quality tool. It’s guaranteed, baby.
Depression (Month 6 – 2 weeks before the wedding)
It’s over man, it’s done. You had your goddamn shot and you clanked a brick like Shaq at the free-throw line. What were you thinking? “You’re the girl I’ve always wanted to be with, the girl who’s always been the missing piece of my heart.” Ugh! Do you think about the words that come out of your mouth, or is there just some evil gremlin in your skull who pitches random nouns and verbs at your throat?
The fucking pity in her eyes. The genuine sadness. Those fucking knives of words that she loves you “as a friend” but she’s “in love” with Brad. Goddamn, you Brad. I hate everything you are, but most of all I hate that you had the balls to make a move and I didn’t. Because that’s it, isn’t it you freaking scared loser? You’re not mad at him or her, you’re mad at yourself for not putting on your big boy pants and going after something you wanted until it was sure to fail.
Well, that’s probably it, isn’t it? I mean, this was one of the only girls that really got you. Sure, you can go on Tinder and pull in a new girl every Friday, but they’re not her. They’re shallow and vapid, they don’t get any of your cool, cool, cool Community references, and they don’t make you feel like you’re better than you believe you are when you were around her. So it looks like you’re going to either end up alone or marrying someone just decent enough that you’ll have kids and then divorce after about 10 infidelity-filled years. Maybe I should just shoot myself in the head instead. Or get a dog. A dog is probably a better option.
Acceptance (The last 2 weeks before the wedding)
You have to go to the wedding man. She invited you, and she called to make sure you were going after that whole debacle a few months back. And she was so happy when you grudgingly said yes. You’re going to be there, smiling and clapping as she becomes Mrs. Brad Davies, trying to hold back your rage and desire to just whale on that dickhole with a 2×4. Mrs. Brad Davies. God that name is even punchable on paper.
In a time like this, there’s really only one acceptable solution: bring a date much hotter than her, act like that whole thing about your heart-filled confession is long forgotten and you’ve moved on to this new girl. You’ll subtly drop digs about how lame her married life is going to be. Maybe point out that while Brad is sitting around watching Eagles games and replacing his washboard abs with a beer belly, Mona has gotten you to enjoy traveling and you’re both going on a six-week expedition to South America to help impoverished communities. Oh, she’ll hate that.
Then, you just bide your time. Flaunting your great life of no cares, no restrictions, and no responsibilities in front of her face. And she’ll grow bored of him, hateful and resentful even. While you live your glorious life of luxury with your beautiful new girl. Meanwhile, you’ll show her that letting go of her made you someone even better and more impressive. Sowing the seeds of discontent. Waiting for Brad to bang his 24-year old secretary. Gleefully watching for the divorce. And then, you make your move. You crafty jackrabbit, you just keep playing that long game. You’re not out of this yet, buddy boy. .
Respond
@joshetyler
@joshetyler
This is so cringeworthy, but so, so spot on.
TLDR; Winners don’t pine over exes or crushes. They go out there and make GREAT deals and WIN! Total leightweight column. SAD!
I may be hung up on exes, but at least I’m not nearly as hung up as you are over that clap back the entire NBA and NFL gave ya last weekend.
The booing at the NFL football game last night, when the entire Dallas team dropped to its knees, was loudest I have ever heard. Great anger!
At least I’m not as hung up on girls as you are on the fact that the entire NBA and NFL clapped you back harder than Melania ever did.
This just him me in the feels.
My crush and I used to see each other off and on when we were in late high school and all throughout college. Our universities were close to three hours apart but it was almost like we were dating when both home on break.
She ends up going to law school and I moved across the US for a job. We both cycled through relationships knowing deep down we’d be together in the end.
Her current man recently popped the question and, to my surprise, she said yes. I’m happy she’s with someone who seems to treat her very well but it’s my own damn fault for dragging my feet and assuming she’d wait around.
Now is the time to go get her tiger!
Go get her back.
Do it for the ‘tent!
Go to the wedding and get incredibly drunk and make a total ass out of yourself. Then she’ll realize what she missed out on.
Going to the wedding? Just spite fuck all the bridesmaids.
I appreciate your emphasis on all vs one.
As they’re having passionless conversations about what they’re going to eat for dinner after their boring and joyless office jobs, you can rest assured knowing that you don’t have to compromise on your food choices. Even after their Public Relations broadcasts of “happiness” poisons your social media feeds like a cancer, you know deep down that no high Mg dose of Prozac can mask over the true realities that they try to bury deep down inside themselves. After awhile, everything starts to become more of an advertising campaign of showing they have their shit together while not having their shot together. We are the complete reflections of humanity as a whole and right now it’s looking like a big pile of liquid garbage lol
My highschool sweetheart ended up getting married in the church that I live directly across from. Talk about coming full circle.
Stage 6: Last ditch shot the day before the wedding,
“So uhhh, you do realize he has almost $200k in debt from school and only makes $40k a year right? Aka you’re going to pay that off for him.
P.s. I’m debt free.”
“And I’ve got a MONSTER dong. (While pointing to many random women and men in the audience) you know, so do you, everybody here knows you’ve seen it…”
Stage 6: The Rebound. A few years down the line, your crush finds out that Brad has indeed been double dipping and decides to divorce him. You’re there to save the day.
Never plays out like that, he’ll be the shoulder for her to cry on, then get the “any girl would be lucky to have you” rejection as she sets into the sunset with Brad #2
Tell the hot date to wear something inappropriate and revealing. Then, get absolutely smashed, make out in the middle of the dance floor, sand finish off by spiking a wine glass.
I thought my ex was single because I saw she deleted all of the photos of her boyfriend. When I inquired, it turns out they just moved in.
Talk about a plot twist