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Ah, the daily commute. Such a great time to listen to your favorite podcast hosts drone on about Game of Thrones or Miatas or whatever the fuck you listen to. In the summertime, the heat from thousands of exhaust pipes infiltrates your AC unit and lodges its chemicals deep inside your brain. In the winter, there is no sun to bring light and happiness to your life. You log thousands of hours on your car’s engine in idle, draining the life out of a dependable friend.
Or maybe you take public transportation. Nothing better than piling yourself into a sardine can that runs underground like a modern-day lemming parade. You’ll be standing there, squished in between miserable people, the smell of sweat and stale cigarettes permeating your clothing, and suddenly you’ll remember the definition of frottage.
There are other options. You can move to the middle of nowhere, for instance. Or, you can not suck at life and buy a bike. Yes, I ride my bike to work. And yes, that makes me better than you.
I’ve been a fan of the two wheel life for about as long as I can remember. I’m not the biggest fan of roadies – you won’t ever find me in spandex – but I get it. I’ve had a variety of different conveyances, from a brakeless 20-inch growler to my current rig, a hardtail 29er. Did all of that go over your head? Good. It’s part of the bike commuter lifestyle, we’re supposed to be dicks about it.
My morning and afternoon commutes are sometimes the best part of my day. The fresh air flowing through my hair, the nice light cardio, and breezing by all the suckers sitting in standstill traffic. Heck after I arrive with a little elevation in the heart rate, I hardly even need coffee. It’s a fantastic way to show up to work bright eyed and bushy dicked.
There are unforeseen benefits as well. My standing heart rate is way lower. My posterior, which didn’t need any help looking better, is now so perfect it’s been suggested that I be a stand-in for Jon Snow in his next nude scene (provided that I shave it and get a tan). The best part is that when Mrs. Icehouse asks if I can pick up something on the way home from work, the answer is always, “Haha, no.” So great not being helpful.
I haven’t even touched the environmental benefits of bicycle commuting, and since there are so many snowflakes that get triggered by scientific evidence of anthropogenic climate change, I’ll focus on something even morons can relate to: I save money on gas. Remember when all the folks in Texas freaked out about a gas shortage a few weeks ago? Didn’t affect me. I haven’t filled up my tank since July. I take that cash and spend it on the most important thing in the world: myself.
But what of after-work happy hours? Bro, if you haven’t ridden a bike drunk, you’re missing out on one of the better pleasures in life. You’re very unlikely to get pulled over on the way home. That’s a big one. But also you get a little workout that is only paralleled by a good drunken sprint. Getting home with a nice little buzz and a feeling of accomplishment is the absolute best motivator to keep the party going and get weekday wasted with your loser friends that got nothing better to do.
I realize this lifestyle isn’t for everyone. The vast majority of you are weak and/or cowards who can’t deal with the thought of leaving your prisons behind. And that’s fine, the world needs sheep too. But for the rest of us, there’s a really good way to be as great of a human being as me: buy a bike. .
Respond
Icehouse
International sailing champion and friend to most wolves. Except Larry, he knows what he did.
@PJHart
@hart__attack
pjhart84
Wrong! It just means you’re poor. SAD!
What is your outlook on the survival of “Rocket Man”?
The totally wacko Kim Jong Un also known as chubby little Rocket Boy is noted friends with one @MicahWiener. If Rocket Boy attempts to endanger the lives of the people of this great nation, Trump will swiftly respond with Fire & Fury to obliterate this rogue nation!
This is the best thing I’ve ever read.
People that ride bikes to work are the same people that think chinos are dress pants. I’d walk to work before rolling up my Hugo Boss’ so they don’t get caught in the chain/sprocket.
This article made me want to act upon my daily desire to open my car door as a cyclist rides by.
They’re just squishy speed bumps.
EXTREME!!!!
T-boned a full size pickup that tried to run a light at 50mph with the one on the left, I’d say it was “just right” and I still drive it every day. Best 8k I ever spent.
Jalopnik is thataway >>>>>>>
So do you have sweet pegs for when you and a coworker want to grab lunch or if you have to take your boss to a client meeting?
I Drive My Car to Work, And Yes, That Makes Me Better Than You: A Rebuttal
No problem with people riding their bike. But if you are one of those fucks that rides in the middle of the road, then I have a problem. I also don’t like when you want to be considered a vehicle on the road and pedestrian at the same time.
I drove my convertible today. All the benefits of fresh air, and also not showing up to work smelling like a locker room.
I will run you over with my car.
If riding a bike to work doesn’t incentivize you to improve your station in life, nothing will.
Profile checks out.
What are your thoughts on the impending market correction and do you anticipate that you will short this occurrence at the right time in order to receive an optimal pay out? As the dollar falls and the value of gold increases, will you reinvest that ROI into precious metals and natural resources/alternative energy sources instead of junk bonds created by sub-prime, predatory lenders?
Or maybe you can’t get your breathalyzer to start your car ♀️
Good take, riding a bike to work changed my life and helped to lose 20lbs. Cyclists rightly get a bad wrap because of those awful ones that ride in the middle of the road and get all preachy, but if you stay in your (bike) lane, obey traffic laws and don’t be a dick it’s a great way to start your day.