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I’ve spent a lot of time outside my native Texas and I’ve come up with a theory as to why we Texans are so obnoxious. It’s this: because everyone hates on Texans.
Texas pride is a vicious circle. You hate us for being prideful, we are prideful because you hate us. It’s a never ending downward circle that makes the Snapchat IPO look like a dream.
Look, I’ll be the first one to admit we are ridiculous. In addition to living in my hometown, Granger Smith’s alter ego Earl Dibbles Jr. actually reminds me of a few people I know. I consider this a good thing, many other people probably don’t.
Which brings me to about an hour ago outside my new house in the burbs of Seattle.
My new company is packing and moving almost all of my stuff; it’s amazing. With that being said, they refused to move any firearms. Because they wouldn’t move them, and I didn’t feel like dealing with an FFL, I decided I’d make the drive up here from Austin with the guns, alcohol, and my epileptic dog who probably shouldn’t have been flying as is.
The only trouble with this that I didn’t foresee was the actual unloading of said weapons in the liberal hellhole that is Seattle. I didn’t think much of it and went out to my truck which of course has an off-road package because #Texan. As I’m unloading said truck I grab the PMAGS and throw them in my right jacket pocket. In my left jacket pocket obviously goes the .45. All that leaves is the AR-15 which I sling over my shoulder.
This is honestly a rather modest gun collection. I’ve got a toddler and the last thing I want is him rummaging through my stuff and coming across this. Because of said toddler, I’ve only really kept weapons similar to those I used in the Army.
As I’m done wrapping up the firearms unloading, I shoot out a pretty good dipspit onto the ground. Obnoxious spitting is basically the only benefit of being up here a few weeks before my wife and son arrive.
No sooner than that spit hit the ground do I look up and see my neighbor staring in-wide eyed disbelief behind his hybrid car. He gives me a look of “this must be the Texan I heard about moving here from the HOA” and gets into his car.
As I lifted my arm to wave at him and give him a mouthful of Grizzly-smile….of course two of the PMAGS come sliding out of my pocket to slam on the ground.
The face of sheer terror he made at me most certainly did not come with a corresponding wave and smile. He was freaked the fuck out and I’m 50% certain CNN might be broadcasting live from a chopper above my house in the next hour or so.
The one could thing that came from this is how much fucking fun I’m going to have screwing with my neighbors. I shot my wife a text about the latest shitshow I’ve managed to get myself in and she texted back:
“You’re sure not making it easy for me haha…..maybe I’ll show up big pregnant with Little Kiawah wearing just a diaper in my arms with a fat ass dip in my mouth as well. Throw them for a loop.”
I clearly married the right woman.
But for now, I’ll just throw a Come and Take It flag in front of the house and wait for Wolf Blitzer to start talking about me later tonight. Better grab a Yeti full of C&C and a Shiner and wait this thing out..
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Kiawah Island Strip Club
I'd rather be golfing. Seattle sucks so I write about that. Also work...ish in recruiting. Shoot your resume to kiawahislandstripclub@gmail.com for any and all job hunt questions.
About 80% of the reason I own an AR-15 is to mention I own an AR-15 to people who freak out about AR-15s.
I wish I had $1 for every time I’ve heard, “MILITARY GRADE ASSAULT RIFLE!!!”
Seattle sounds like a place for cucks
Serious question, how do you buy just one AR-15? You start off with a medium one, then you want a long one, then you want a short one, then you want… and so on.
I find being poor helps limit me.
And then you want an AR-10
And then you want a suppressor or 4.
Must be nice not living in California. Can’t buy suppressors for the 15 and the 10. Soon I won’t even be able to buy ammo online.
Will you have one of those cute little FOID cards like in IL or have to do a background check every time?
I have a cute little FOID card AND get to do a background check each time.
Background check every time and some sort of card. All I know is that it will be inconvenient and expensive.
can California just go away?
To be entirely fair, if someone who already owned a firearm loses it and goes insane, do we really want to make it easy for them to purchase ammo?
You mean MORE ammo. I already have ammo. Lots of ammo.
They’d have to meet a legal standard first, and their firearms (should) be seized at that point. Assuming the first happened and the second did not, which would already be a failure of existing law, they’d also have to posses no ammo at that time… which is unlikely.
Serious question: what is the point of having a suppressor if you aren’t doing anything shady? I’m not saying anyone who owns a suppressor is, but I’m genuinely curious. What comes to mind is to prevent hearing damage, but earplugs exist for that purpose. Can y’all enlighten me?
Without going too much into it, they really don’t make it quiet to the point where it’s not still “a gunshot,” and generally you should still wear hearing protection because even with a suppressor it’s still 120-140dBs down from 145-190dBs. However, if one is not wearing hearing protection, as while hunting, or being in the general area of someone else shooting (e.g., if I went out back of the house or for neighboring property owners), it makes enough of a difference to warrant their purchase. I mainly use them for the politeness factor, but not blowing my ears out hunting is a bonus.
Thanks for the info!
A lot of people have noticed a certain swagger about me, well in Texas we call that walking. – George W Bush
Wouldn’t be upset if you gave us weekly updates… There’s some serious pranking potential here.
Put a cannon on the porch
Just a .45 and an AR-15? That’s Texas’ equivalent of birthright, not a collection.
This is hilarious. Please keep us posted.
Most people in the Seattle area are very snobby, elitist type trash who have zero reason to see the world the way they do. You will quickly see that they think they are superior to all others, that Seattle is the best place in the world and most of its people are very intolerant of other ideas/lifestyles. It’s a very big bubble of people who act, dress and think the same way.
I am sorry you are there now man, I couldn’t get out quick enough and rarely visit the city I grew up in these days because of these attitudes.
Come visit the eastside of the state (anywhere past the I-5 corridor really) and you will see a totally different world. Much redder politically, nicer, friendlier people and similar farming communities like your homeland.
Seattle is one of the most educated and progressive cities in America. Very rarely hear anyone using a region’s political redness as a major selling point. Inviting someone to visit a red city/state usually requires some sort of disclaimer and explanation of why it’s safe to visit even if you’re not white.
Progressive isn’t necessarily a good thing there sport. Especially how you are using it to make yourself and Seattle sound superior to others. BTW, thanks for making this about race. How progressive of you!
Also, thanks for proving my point.
Keep this in mind, son: Education, especially one drenched in liberal ideology, does not intelligence make. At least down here, we know enough to not butt into other people’s affairs just to try and look good to others.
Find yourself some other misplaced Texans to hangout with, then invite non-Texans around and make them feel out of place and sad they aren’t from the greatest state. Also you’ll need someone else around to reminisce about HEB and tacos.
“You may all go to hell, and I will go to Texas” -Davy C.
Welcome to my liberal hellhole! My guess your new employer starts with an A based off your previous articles.
Some advice.. Find friends who are transplants to Seattle as they will be more open minded and may even align with your views. Locals who are born and raised in Seattle are the worse. The term Seattle Freeze is real. I have lived here for 8 years including college and not one of my friends was born and raised in Seattle.
PS outdoor gun range in Renton is awesome as well as a few back country spots around snoqualmie pass. May our paths cross some time