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We’ve all been guilty of getting drunk and making a questionable financial decision. Some are smaller and more harmless than others, like buying a couple of shots for your besties. Others are larger and much more ulcer-inducing when you find out about them the next morning, such as booking plane tickets to Croatia. These are examples I’ve heard about from a friend who is definitely not me.
To be honest my drunk purchases, up until now, have not comprised of more than the extra drink/delivery order here or there. Key phrase: until now. I don’t know what’s happened to me since I turned 27, but all of a sudden I keep getting notifications from Amazon that “your package has been delivered!”
“Hm, that’s weird, what did I even order?” I always wonder. Well, your guess is usually as good as mine.
To be clear, I definitely can’t afford this kind of drunk shopping and the items are usually frivolous, smaller things that I wouldn’t shell out to buy if I was sober but wishfully place in my online shopping cart.
My working hypothesis is that I’ve been trying to stick to a stricter budget lately which includes staying home (getting drunk at home) more often, so drunk me feels the need to overcompensate for that lack of fun by destroying my budget. I invite you to join me on this week’s journey of mystery boxes and self discovery.
A Rewined Mimosa scented candle
Honestly, I blame Will DeFries for this one. I was scrolling through the Sunday Scaries Twitter feed last week and saw several of these candles on multiple tweets. Curious, I delved into further research since I’m getting ready to make the seasonal candle switch from fall/winter scents to spring/summer. Is that the bougiest thing I’ve ever said? Probably not, but it’s close.
Regret level: Medium.
I love the candle and it smells amazing, and I actually would like to buy more, but at $25+ a pop probably not the smartest investment I’ve made. I am literally burning my money. Will, feel free to Venmo me that $25 any time you want.
Charcoal Tooth Powder
This shit has been all over my Facebook-sponsored ads lately and I have to admit that I have a basic bitch weakness for charcoal products. I don’t know if they actually do anything and I’m honestly too lazy to look into the science, but the before/after pictures on the ad campaigns are enough to sell me. I think what really grabbed my attention was the stain removal potential. Your girl, here, has a pesky red wine stain on her front tooth that does not seem to respond to traditional at-home whitening treatments.
Regret level: Low
It was only $10 and it was through Amazon Prime so I can return it easily if I don’t like it. I will report back on the product’s effectiveness.
Eye Cream
Where did I even find this? Like… I am very brand loyal to my usual skincare regimen and all of a sudden I found myself opening my Amazon box with $16 worth of eye cream I’ve never heard of before. I will say that the reviews were amazing and compare it favorably to my usual expensive-as-fuck brand which is twice the cost for half the size. I’ve tried it out a few times since purchasing and I’m pretty impressed so far! It’s also unscented, so gentlemen you can feel free to minimize your puffy eyes and fine lines, too.
Regret Level: Low
For $16 and the results I’m seeing so far, I ain’t mad at it.
An Electric Keyboard Power Cord
What? Like… why? I’ve had a keyboard for over three years and it has somehow made it with me through four different moves. The same can’t be said of its power source. On the surface, this seems like a sensible purchase. However, you might think differently if you knew that I literally played this keyboard once and, if we’re being honest, probably never will again. It will just sit there, with its now-glowing power light, mocking my lack of commitment to musical greatness.
Regret Level: High
It was only $9, but the guilt it’s going to make me feel for not using it will far outweigh the cost.
Delivery
For the last year or so I’ve been on a pretty strict lifting regimen complete with counting macros, which hasn’t left a lot of room for delivery binges. However, I contracted a nasty combination of strep and something called cytomegalovirus (basically a shorter version of mono) that has sidelined me and had me on steroids for a few weeks. Apparently drunk me has just taken this opportunity to throw the floodgates wide open for any kind of delicious, greasy, ethnic goodness my little heart desires. Fast forward to me waking up on my couch Sunday morning with all the lights on, Netflix asking me if I wanted to continue watching Archer, and two different EMPTY containers of Thai food. My Uber Eats app tells me this little feast cost me $40 including tip. FML.
Regret Level: REAL HIGH
Not only did I drop $40 that I didn’t need, I don’t remember eating the food. I ate enough for a family of four, and I am not even supposed to be drinking in the first place because I am also on antibiotics. Oops.
I’m no scientist, but my ill-advised drunk purchases for the week seem to amount to a grand total of roughly $100. Goddamnit.
Goal for next week: less. Just… less. .
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Quinn Truflais
Formerly known as Queen of The Garbage People. Functional title still stands. Dog owner, whiskey drinker, Star Wars fangirl. #DoingItForTheContent QuinnTruflais@gmail.com
@QuinnTruflais
Okay the charcoal tooth powder really does work. Enough to see a difference but it isn’t anything drastic. And I’m impressed with your purchases, at least they are somewhat practical. My last few drunk amazon purchases include a ‘baking with my homies’ Tupac and biggie cookie cutter set, a soup ladle that looks like the Loch Ness monster (as I call him, laddie), a Harry Potter time turner necklace, and ridiculously large googly eyes. Like size of dinner plates large.
Your drunk purchases are less practical but way more fun. Mine are either semipopular college shirts or machetes.
I’m a sucker for Kanye West merchandise when I’m drunk. Wool, I know you’re with me on this one.
Bought a machete at Harbor Freight once because who doesn’t need a $4 machete?
I got drunk and bought a leather cowboy hat this weekend. More on that tomorrow, I think.
The trick is to buy stuff when you’re browning/blacking out. Your goal is to not remember you bought it so when it shows up, it’s a surprise. A surprise present to yourself, from yourself
Don’t use the charcoal powder!! It completely strips your enamel and weakens your teeth! Please please don’t use it
Use bleach, gets them so much whiter.
Flashing LED live nude sign, and a unicorn flag are my two worst drunk purchase.
Not really a purchase but I did drunkenly sign up for the Special K Diet after eating my weight in Taco Bell. Totally forgot I did it until I checked my email the next day.
Also I guess I didn’t want to use my real name and since I watched Titanic earlier that day I signed up under the name Rose Dawson.
Every weekend. 1 AM burrito. Leaves my stomach in shambles come morning time.
Plane tickets. More than once I’ve drunk-bought plane tickets.
Gonna need to know this eye cream, thanks.
I bought a bulk order of ring pops once.
If I don’t buy these OV joggers right now I might kill myself. It’s the only thing that could possibly make me feel better.
Do it, last week I dropped $160 on the A.P.C. x Outdoor Voices joggers and an additional $60 on an OV shirt. Life is too short not to wear premium joggers.