Ranking Your Standard Snapchats, Most Of Which Are Terrible

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Snapchat is a beautiful app, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have its flaws. Inherent to any form of social media is the input from and interaction with other human beings. We aren’t perfect specimens, and Snapchat is a perfect example of that. There are beautiful, boring, and straight up abhorrent Snapchats out there. I like to think of myself as a reasonable guy; a person of the people that has previously spit some truth about this app, so here is a ranking of the Snaps I receive (some more than others).

Keep in mind: I am very aware I have sent all of these at one point or another. For better or worse, it happened.

9. Filters

Last in the ranking, but unfortunately not the least used, are any and all Snapchats involving a filter. Snapchat went from simple to strange when they added things like face swap and voice changers. You swapping your face with your significant other was funny the very first time you did it and not a moment longer. The flower headband does not make you look pretty. And every time I receive a Snapchat of some dude using that fucking Bambi voice changer filter, I lose a little bit more faith in humanity.

This does not include the utilization of stickers or bitmojis, because those can add to the quality of a snap. For example – enlarging the panda face emoji over your selfie with the Desiigner song on in the background was a clever use of the tools. Using the dog filter with “Who Let The Dogs Out” is not. I don’t know why there is a difference, but there is. You look stupid.

8. Concerts

I’ve spoken my peace about this before. A combination of me being jealous of your experience and being pissed off at the sudden blaring noise coming from my phone makes me not like you. I just had someone last night with 37 clips of a concert. Hope you enjoyed the concert as much as I did.

I woke up one day this past summer to find four clips on my story of the Blink 182 concert I went to and I still have not forgiven myself. It happened and I’m not proud, but it’s something I have to live with now. Do as I say; not as I do.

7. Babies/Children

I haven’t had kids yet, so maybe this ranking will change when I produce my own offspring. But right now? I don’t give really care for little humans. The key to this one is if you do it, do it in modesty. I’ve got some cool cats on my Snap that have some youngins that come across my screen once in a while, and it isn’t bad. If your kid is cute, it’s cute. One pair of infantile ass cheeks running across the living room is tolerable every couple of weeks. When you flood me with you and junior with voice changers and assorted animal filters during story time every night, that’s child abuse.

6. The Nothing

This covers all Snapchats of the sender doing something that no one cares about. These are necessary sometimes just to keep a snap streak going, or to let your friends know you are in fact alive on Sunday when you’ve been locked in your room marinating in your filth and regretful decisions you made the night before. Unless you have something clever to say in it, no one really cares that you are looking at a spreadsheet on a Monday morning or watching Parks and Rec in bed.

5. Food/Drink

Clarification: these types do not involve another human being but are merely of the items the sender is about to consume. They are better than a simple nothing snap only because I don’t have to look at your face or computer screen. Also, you probably just helped me decide on what I want for my next meal. If it was Chipotle, you definitely did. So thanks for that.

4. Dashboard

These can be pretty bland Snapchats as well, but they can have a much more personal touch to them. Like, the person wants to send you something but they can’t bring the phone above the dash because what if the police pull up and bust their ass for trying to snap you the new T. Swift song? I had a song come on Spotify tonight that brought back memories from an old buddy I haven’t seen in over a year, so I sent him it and it made me happy. And my wife snaps me a clip of her dashboard every time she hears the song we had our first dance to as a married couple, which is super sweet.

3. Reply Chug

You like drinking. I like drinking. I would love to drink with you over the internet. Thank you for encouraging me. Now let’s tie one on together.

2. Pets

I like your pets better than you, and that’s just a fact. Cuddling cats are cute as fuck. Watching dogs run around a yard or wrestle with each other in someone’s living room is an instant mood booster. I can’t wait to get a dog to pay it forward and repay you all with some fire snaps of it just being a dog. Nothing better. Except…

1. Nudes

Yup.

There you have it. Think before you Snap. .

Image via Shutterstock

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Cush

Mainer born and raised. Boston sports. Miller Lites. Let's get drunk and eat chicken fingers.

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