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I’ve been called crazy more times in my life than I can remember. It’s almost a compliment to me at this point. I’d much rather someone think of me as a hilarious psycho who’s down for whatever than some boring ass white girl from suburbia who’s never had sex with a guy with a man bun just to see if it’d be different than sex with an actual man.
Fast forward to this past weekend where I’m out on date number two with a guy I’d met a few weeks ago. The date went well – I smiled a lot and laughed at stupid things. I even thanked the waitress when she refilled my water glass because I read somewhere that guys like girls who are appreciative and respectful. Nothing irregular.
Until yesterday. When I, way too caught up in my “my-life-is-a-romantic-comedy” fantasy to rationally process real life, agreed to go on a trip with this guy. On Thursday. For five days. TO EUROPE.
So here is the raging tsunami of thoughts going through my hollow skull right now:
1. How/where will I shit?
I know, girls don’t poop — yada yada yada. Save it for someone who actually thought that joke was funny when it first came out in 2007. The reason my shitting strategy is first on this list is because I don’t have one. Pooping for girls is like having an orgasm. The more you stress about it, the less likely it is to happen. The moment I convince myself he’s also thinking about how long this is taking is the moment I realize I’m shit out of luck… literally.
2. Do I have to sleep with him?
Let’s get a few things straight. First, we have not slept together yet. So much as I’d like to think it was my platinum vagine that compelled him to want to spend 120 hours with me straight, that’s just not the case. (I’m more of a strong white gold anyways, but he doesn’t have to know that yet.) Second, he paid for EVERYTHING. Granted, it was with airline miles and hotel points, but still. I feel a weird obligation to say thank you in a way that doesn’t include paying for all of our schnitzel and alcohol. Why can’t I just accept that maybe my company is thank you enough for him? Oh, that’s right, because he’s a guy. So it’s not.
3. If I do sleep with him, does this make me a prostitute? A sugar baby?
Seeing that he did pay for this trip, would “thanking” him if I feel comfortable make me the WASPiest hooker that ever lived? Also, since he is six years older than me, would exchanging sex for international travel make me the subject of the next Vanity Fair exposé on the immoral world of sugar babies?
4. Will I get murdered?
I’m not the easiest person to travel with. I chew disgusting amounts of gum at all hours of the day, I would rather eat my Think Thin bars than local delicacies, and I force the people I’m traveling with to arrive places HOURS in advance because of a traumatic incident I had running late for a train when I was four. How do I know that none of my psycho-ass idiosyncrasies will tip him over the edge? The last thing I need is to be remembered as the girl who started WWIII when DJT tweets “American Murder in Germany! Such a tragedy! Merkel conspiracy? Sad!”
*Writes on travel to-do list* “Tone down everything about self.”
Keep me in your prayers. .
Respond
I took a girl I knew all of five days on a 4-day overnight Mardi Gras trip. I now call that girl my wife. Give it a shot. Also, yes on the sex.
Heroes get remembered, but legends never die. Follow you’re heart kid.
That’s crazy.
But honestly this sounds exciting.
Just go and enjoy it. Have fun!
And yes have sex with him.
Second.
As a precaution, please call Liam Neeson in case he tries to sell into sex slavery over there
This is the best advice
1. Take this opportunity to shit like a king. Doesn’t matter when or where, if you’ve gotta drop a douce – just do it!
2. The dude is flying you to another country and you agreed. You clearly want to indulge in a quick romp in the sack in a foreign country.
3. No, the fact that you agreed to fly overseas tells us that you may be a bit crazy but congrats on the sex anyways, crazy chicks do it better anyways.
4. Our work days are pretty boring so even if it means potentially getting murdered, you’re gonna need to take one for the team so we can read about it later on….
Congrats on the sex from all of us.
Just don’t ask him if he’s going murder you. Brought a girl home from a bar and she asked me this. She was weird.
Makes it so awkward when you have to lie and say no
I once went to look at an apartment and some drunk chick showed me the apartment (doing an apartment showing drunk is a typical Chicagoan thing). Afterwards, she’s like “So what do you like doing in your free time? You’re not a serial killer or anything, right?” After answering her question and confirming that I’m not a serial killer, I asked her “so what do you like doing in your free time?” She said “drinking.”
Little bit worried that a guy who’s paying for an entire trip doesn’t have a friend he’s known for more than 2 dates to take with him.
That being said, try to have fun. Poop before you take a shower, sleep with him if it feels right but don’t feel obligated, and do people really not thank the waitstaff when they refill your water glass?
Also stock photo babe of the day, Will??
Blame the interns.
Nooooo, I want this one. Make the interns bring him to us.
He looks like a Chris. More of him please. Olivia!
My actual name is Chris. Sup?
I think that IS a Chris. Chris Pratt.
A friend of mine was offered a trip to Mexico by a tinder date. She declined (we aren’t sure why), she regretted it. Some guys can just afford to go all out. Must be nice.
Document everything with photos in case, you know, he is a murderer.
This reminded me of my favorite people watching game in airports, “daughter or mistress”. Anyways, sex if it feels right and just offer to pay for schnitzel and booze
If she is paying for schnitzel, doesn’t that make him the prostitute?
Todd I’m not sure you should be commenting about girls paying for things, you never know what Girl will see.
my sister and i came up with a game when we were in NYC that is “gay, hipster or foreign.” hard to decipher between the 3.
You really take doing it for the content to a whole new level. Congrats, can’t wait to read about your adventure and hopefully you make it out alive. Oh and yeah definitely have sex with him.
Congrats on the (future) sex