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It has been awhile since the last time we pulled back the curtain on the Bumble talent. I, personally, had halted my activity due to my own naivete, thinking I had found a reprieve from the nonsense for more than a few months. But, to quote modern day prophet Justin Bieber, everything happens for a reason. I clearly have a true calling. And that is to provide the public service of bringing the worst Bumble profiles to this community as a cautionary tale.
My return to dating apps was like pulling a bag out of the freezer that had been clearly labeled “Dead Dove, Do Not Eat,” opening it, and being surprised to find a dead dove that had been killed by my amateur magician brother. In other words, I don’t know what I expected.
New to SD from CO // Passionate about healthy lifestyles and awesome adventures. Serial entrepreneur, so I’m fortunate enough to work from anywhere in the world. Oh yea… and confident enough to know dudes can do yoga too.
And we’re back with an adventure-loving “serial entrepreneur,” a term I assume means rich parents who bankroll his frequent entrepreneurial failures. He’s so brave he even does yoga, despite the obvious consensus yoga that is for girls. I can’t imagine the confidence it took to admit that. Way to go, buddy.
Best personality traits: awesome, humble, and irony; and I’m attracted to kind, interesting, and confident women with a firm grasp sarcasm and semicolon usage. I just moved back to CA after living in East Africa for the past few years so I’m excited for all the amazing cheese ima eat. 6’4” in heals.
Trying to connect the dots between the irony of him appreciating proper semicolon usage in a sentence in which he not only misuses a semicolon, but denotes his love for irony, made me consider the possibility this guy is actually a genius. And he leveled with his audience on the topic of cheese, an issue anyone can agree on. Low hanging fruit? Sure, but so is going after him for spelling and grammatical mistakes that may or may not be intentionally planted for the sake of irony. I honestly don’t know what to do with this one. He’s got me flustered.
Young professional with a craving for the outdoors. Fair warning: will wake up early to go jump in the ocean, run up a mountain, and make friends with strangers before work. Board games, cooking, and planning weekend adventures occupy my free time. I love my job. I love my life. Let’s meet and chat.
Call me a hater, but the image of the dude who wakes up early to “run up a mountain” and the image of the dude who says things like “let’s meet and chat” out loud is very easily the same image. I don’t think his warning was necessary, as I speculate the time he has spent actually doing each of these things equals about 3 percent of the time he spends telling people he does these things.
I live life to enjoy life and have one hell of a time. About the positive vibes and doing something bigger than myself with my life. If you are an interesting individual and want to create some exquisite experiences then hello and nice to meet you.
I am almost 99 percent sure this guy lost a lot of money to the Vemma scheme in college and isn’t as embarrassed about it as he should be.
Musician // Grade A Cuddler // Warm Hearted // Geek // Ask me stuff! You only have so long 😉 // Talk to me like you’ve known me for months or I won’t bother trying to get to know you.
I’m curious as to how the “talk to me like you’ve known me for months” provision is working out for him, because me saying that to a guy might as well mean “don’t talk to me at all.” This wound is fresh. I should joke about my own sadness more often.
Drama free zone *three caution emojis*
If you’re in a relationship, don’t bother… *frog emoji, coffee emoji*
In need of a car? Contact me ASAP if you’re looking for a New/PreOwned vehicle *car emoji*
My dude’s out here trying to lay low and slay some deals, but he’s having a hard time keeping your girl off of his jock. You know you’re a magnet for trouble when you have to declare your Bumble profile a drama free zone. It’s a player’s struggle. Respect the real.
This damn thing. Lake Tahoe grown. Major outdoor enthusiast. Country. Red vino. Dionysian & Idealism. Twinkle shining in my eye. Fire burning in my heart. Simple. Humble. Passionate. Restless soul. Thirsty heart. Intellect is rare & vanity is common around here. Don’t bore me. Give me Helen of Troy.
BRB, deleting Bumble, calling every one of my exes, telling them I’m sorry, calling in sick, wrapping myself in my comforter, crying myself to a point where I’m just hovering above consciousness, waking up at dinner time, ordering Postmates for a restaurant three blocks away, and holding a week-long grudge against myself for spending what can buy me half a tank of gas on one serving of ramen. Did I get soft, or did these streets get harder? .
Respond
Best
Best specializes in making fun of men and wondering why she is still single. She has over 6,000 followers on Periscope, the reason for which she has yet to figure out. Her Tinder bio once went viral for including a pretty mediocre fart joke. Neither of these events she allows anyone in her life to forget.
@WhatTheHellTina
@t_mihel
tina_mihel
Sounds like a tough life in the dating world for the female writers on this site.
They need to get back at some of these “sup?” requests, we PGP dudes are a solid bunch.
With the amount of “Sups” can it really be going that great for the guys on here?
Besides Delph’s recent engagement, and Defries constant humble brag, I’m going with a hard no for us
I met my girlfriend (soon to be fiancée) on Bumble. My bio was one line. Why do these guys make it so difficult for themselves? Keep it simple.
My bio right now is “I’d go out with me.”
Stealing that, will let you know how it works out.
My bio says “Lets get margs and go to velvet taco while blackout drunk”
sup?
So let’s do it.
Depends on your answer to this important and deal breaking question. Frozen or on the rocks. I’ll be the one dude that’s dressed as britney spears at the bars friday if it’s on the rocks.
Always on the rocks and spicy when possible.
I think I’m in love (I should probably up my standards for falling in love to be based off more than one question)
I definitely stole Duda’s “great hair, decent ass” and I’d say 70% of the messages I get are in reference to that.
Also found my soon-to-be fiance on Bumble; bio was “talk queso to me.”
Keeping it simple is key.
I met my current BF on bumble and he actually had no bio. the pic of him and his dog was the icebreaker.
I laughed, I cried, I immediately fled to my profile and sweat over my own bio instead of getting ready for work.
Above average wedding date. Zero student loan debt. Every day ice cream eater. Add me on LinkedIn. Winter is coming.
My opener to you would be, “what skills would you want me to endorse you for?”
Drunk dancing, restaurant selection, cunnilingus and business.
I now feel obligated to start a podcast and call it “Cunnilingus & Business.”
Oh good, you know I’d never be able to pick a restaurant.
I always know where I want to eat out. Know what I mean.
Haha, I appreciate you so much.
Sup?
Hey there.
DC is filled with laid back and easy going guys who are looking for their swolemate.
I’m going to spend the rest of my day pretending “swolemate” was a typo on your part so I don’t know people like that really exist.
It’s not, I wish it was but it’s not.
These all sound like my worst nightmare.
sup?
You’re not going to wake up early to run up a mountain right?
Hadn’t planned on it unless you plan on signing me up for one of those fitness competition deFries’ girl signed him up for otherwise hit the snooze button for another hour.
Nah, I’m more of a turkey eating kind of girl than a turkey trotting one.
Just say the when we’ll go grab some tacos and beer.
Taco Tuesday, of course.
That’s today. Good luck, you lovebirds.
I’m sure i’ll pull a Duda and mess it up but until then you know your boy is gonna be swinging for the fences.
More proof that the wussification (is that a real world?) of men is real.
Running up a mountain just doesn’t seem safe.
“Single mom of 6” is my bio. Works surprisingly well.
I’ll make you a single mom of 7
Sup?
The only reason I enjoy tinder social is to see what weird shit guys put in their profiles, making me feel better about mine.