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I’m going to a wedding on Saturday, and I’m apprehensive. Confession: I’ve never been to a “wedding.” Two years ago my cousin and his fiancée had an “Unwedding,” which sounds like a divorce but was actually just a wedding reception without the ceremony. I was totally cool with this, especially because the party was in the Real World Suite at the Hard Rock in Vegas, and it was insane. Give it a Google Image search, then imagine 75 good looking people in there getting shitfaced. It was a blast, but it felt more like an upscale party than it did an actual wedding, though I have to say, something like 85% of what I perceive a wedding to be is based off of Wedding Crashers.
I was so blacked-out at the Unwedding that I don’t remember this, but apparently, when the party goers dwindled to a few people and we all ended up in the hot tub, me and the bride bonded about my ex-girlfriend, and it hit me right in the feels. It was all the celebrating of love; my psyche couldn’t handle it. The bride didn’t like seeing me get all mushy and depressed, so she gave me more liquor and sent me off to the only place where you can forget about an ex: Crazy Horse III (I’ll spare you the Google search: it’s a strip club).
So now, with my other cousin getting married this weekend at an actual wedding, I just have this lingering feeling that I’m not emotionally ready to be at weddings. I have a sneaky suspicion that at this upcoming wedding one of two things might happen. Maybe both. Probably both. I’m going to get depressed about love, and I’m going to get absolutely smashed trying to forget that I’m walking the earth alone like the Incredible Hulk.
I’m worried it’s going to send me into some sort of emotional tailspin. I’ve been finding it hard to really hit it off with women lately, and the longer I go with failed dates and lack of connection, the more afraid I become of dying alone. I mean, if Bachelorette studs Luke and Jordan have to resort to a reality TV show for love, I midas whale just give up now, right? I’m worried that seeing the happy couple – and all their married friends – will just be a big celebratory reminder that I’ve been incredibly single recently, and I have no idea how to right the ship.
And it’s not that I’m going to be fueled by jealousy; it’s just one of those things where you know where you are and you know what your goal is, but you just have no idea what goes in the middle. Idea, fill in the blank, profit. It’s like when I look at my childhood home. I know I want one of those. I just have no idea how that’s going to happen unless I fall ass backwards into like $100K for a down payment. So my whole fear is that during this entire wedding I’m just going to be putzing around wondering how I’m going to meet someone as incredible as my cousin’s soon-to-be wife. My prediction for this thing? Do like I always seem to do when I have the feels. Drink. A lot.
Plus it’s a wedding. Like I said, I’ve never been to a conventional one, but I’m told that people drink at these things. There’s going to be a lit playlist (I can’t wait to lose my mind to “Shout”), an open bar, and ya boy is going to be looking one-hunit emoji in a fresh new suit (sans socks). So saying I’m going to be in the mood to party is an understatement. Add on the fact that I might want to forget about love for a while, and I think I’ve got a recipe for a serious hangover on Sunday morning while I try to mash yokers in softball. Here’s a little wrinkle: I don’t really have any friends at the wedding, outside of my brothers, and my cousins (groom and best man). I met a few of the dudes at the bachelor party, and they were great, but they still don’t really know me yet. With everyone there being older than me – and basically complete strangers – I don’t want them coming to their office on Monday telling everyone about the drunk village idiot I fear I may materialize into on Saturday night.
I tweeted at the Touching Base crew for help on this and got no reply (subtweet like the pros do it). I asked them what’s the best way to toe the line between being the life of the party, but not being the town drunk at a wedding scene. I’ve never been to one, so I have zero clue what the appropriate level of drunk idiot is. I blacked out at the “Unwedding” but that was Vegas. Am I just going to be the pace car? Bring the party to eleven and hope everyone follows suit? There is also a bar meet up the night before the wedding for all the guests. Do I lay the groundwork there, and get the party going then? Or play it reserved, and save the serious drinking at the actual wedding? I’m completely lost on this whole wedding etiquette. I’m a house of cards in a hurricane, a reckless ride in the pouring rain. Help your boy out; I could use some advice..
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Boston Max
Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly
@BostonMaxG
@boston_maxg
Space with waters and dance a lot and you’ll ride a solid wave. Pick the open bar with the longer line just to space it out even more, and use the occasion to chat up whoever else is around you in line. But the dancing is the key differentiator compared to the bars – Weddings are the perfect place to stay in the solidly-buzzed-but-not-shitfaced zone for hours. Also one of my go-to moves is to start a dance contest with a, like, 10 year old and let him win. “You killed me with that running man, little dog. What’s your sister’s name?”
Follow everything this guy said to the letter. I can’t overstate how good his suggestion is.
First off, too real for my Friday, but I’m on board with you 100%.
Second, lay a little groundwork the night before to find out who is ready to party, but you definitely don’t want to be hungover the day of. Feel out the reception as it begins, find your group of partiers and stick with them for the evening – just try to stay in the meaty part of the bell curve in terms of drunkest of the drunk group.
Last, I’m not sure I would listen to me, because the only weddings I’ve ever been to are ones that I was in where I knew everyone, and everyone knew what to expect from me.
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God DAMMIT MOLLIE
Don’t abuse the open bar. But if you do, tip well and get them a very generous wedding gift. You don’t want the couple looking at you stumbling around the room thinking “That son of a bitch is $120 deep in old fashioned’s that I paid for.” Also, remember you are dancing as well. Any physical activity that raises the heart beat, while drinking, elevates your buzz way easier and much faster than you think…water is key.
Why would you be scared? Weddings are so much fun, plus plenty of single women who feel the wedding fever. I have had nothing but success at weddings. Then again, I am Jesus.
Every time you’re looking to get another drink, look around. Do you see someone you suspect is drunker than you? Get another drink. If nobody is drunker than you, grab a water and go dance for a bit. Try to focus on having a good time and if a lady wants to dance, you dance. Make sure she’s not your cousin before you start making out on the dance floor, though. Take that shit to the broom closet, you monster.
Another HR killjoy, smdh
I don’t think “don’t be the drunkest guy in the room” is awful advice. Or was it the “don’t fuck your cousin” part that rubbed you the wrong way?
DON’T TELL ME WHO TO LOVE
IT’S MY BODY
Right in the feels. I just attended a White Buffalo wedding. We were old family friends so I couldn’t say no- and I didn’t think it would be a big deal because our youthful, romantic fling had slowly flickered out the last few years since we had gone to different schools, summer internships, lost contact etc. But something about seeing someone you once saw yourself marrying, marrying someone else puts you on a one way trip to Singlesville. With a long detour through the open bar and then a day-long layover in Hangoverston.
Go and hit on the single ladies. Few occasions make it easier to get laid than wedding.
Agreed, one of the bridesmaids is bound to be single.
Unless your wedding is in Iowa and of the four bridesmaids, one is in high school, one is married, one is engaged and one is pregnant. That wedding wasn’t too exciting.
I wouldn’t have gone to that one if I was the priest.
I was best man so I kinda had to go. Most people had left by 9 pm because they had to feed their cattle. That weekend really made me appreciate living in an actual city.
Agreed. Use singledom to your advantage. Literally evey single person at my wedding hooked up with someone at the reception and/or hotel after.
No excuses play like a champion
How the fuck have you never been to a wedding?!
Just remember that the nights are long, so don’t go full-out at the open bar in the first couple hours if you don’t want to be known as “that guy.”
I’m only 25 & come from a very small family, and in one of the oldest in said family
Damn that blows my mind. Had no clue someone could go that long without attending a wedding. Did you move away from your college town right after graduating?
Nobody from the northeast – essentially nobody / gets married until like 29
You’re from the Northeast, too. Don’t leave that part out.
Props to your cousin. Getting the Mrs. to agree to celebrate their new bond of love and faithfulness in a suite where tons of debauchery, drama, and probably unfaithfulness went down is quite a feat. Unless she is cool as fuck and suggested the idea. Which is very possible cause she was hanging out in the hot tub with her drunk guests on her unwedding night. Either way, a win for that guy. ✊