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And just like that, it’s upon us. Dust off your deal sleds, dry clean your tux, and prepare to mingle — it’s wedding season. I know, I know. It feels like last year’s wedding season just came to a close. But make no mistake, the long winter is in the past and sunglass tans, dance floors, and signature cocktails are on the horizon.
Everyone knows that April showers bring arrangements of flowers, and 2016 will be no different. Last year? It’s over. Done. Finished. And as great as it was, we have to keep our eyes on the prize and look forward to the year ahead of us. If you’re unsure of what to expect, that’s fine. Just be on the lookout for the following.
I will lose either one cufflink or two studs on a dance floor (at least) once.
It’s not that I want to lose them, but sometimes you just have to accept that there are going to be some casualties of war. When the jacket comes off and the champagne starts flowing, all bets are off until the band stops playing Motown and everyone has to call an Uber.
I’ve already made it so long without doing so that even my girlfriend is amazed at my responsibility. But the moment I walk into Nordstrom and pick up a statement set of cufflinks that I’ll justify buying by saying, “These will last a lifetime, they’re timeless”? Those cufflinks will find themselves in the water hazard of a country club where security will stop me if I try to go in the following day and recover them.
It’s the year of the pantsuit.
I wouldn’t call it “The Hillary Effect” because, well, she makes them look like shit. But gone are the days of showing up the bride with a statement gown or wearing hideous fucking dresses that should be saved for bridesmaids.
Whether they come in the form of a slick pair of female slacks accompanied by a top showing off their fit arms or a full-blown romper-esque jumpsuit, don’t be surprised to look down at the bar while ordering a cocktail and seeing a perfectly tailored pair of pants hovering over a pair of heels.
It’s 2016, guys. Prepare for progressiveness.
I will forget the bride and groom’s names halfway through at least one wedding I am a plus-one for.
I’m going to a wedding this weekend and I couldn’t pick them out of a lineup. Hell, I don’t even know their names. All I know is that come 5 o’clock on Saturday, I have to be in a monkey suit ready to work the room at the drop of a hat.
Sure, their names are plastered everywhere around the venue. And yes, people are giving toasts and speeches every which way you turn. But as someone who continually introduced himself to the girls in his ex-girlfriend’s sorority because he never remembered meeting them in the first place, I’ll probably forget everyone’s name despite all the social cues surrounding me.
I will fail to tie my tie perfectly on one occasion, attending the wedding with an open collar and carefree vibe.
I lucked out back in December when the heavens sent a tuxedoed angel to the hotel bar to tie my bowtie for me, but I’m not always going to fall ass-backwards into greatness like I have for the past 29 years of my life.
There’s going to be a time where I day drink to the point where I’m so puffy that my collar will barely button around my neck. There’s going to be a moment when I attempt to tie my bowtie and fail, only to have my date come to the rescue and succumb to the pressure. I will completely forget to bring the right tie to a wedding where I can’t be caught dead wearing a navy tie with a navy suit. These are scientific certainties that all end with me completely unbuttoned on the dance floor high-fiving the groom.
Succulents will replace Mason jars as the most overdone wedding decoration trend.
Mason jars couldn’t last forever. Are they going away? Of course not. I just did a brief Pinterest search and let me tell ya, they’re still being decorated with tealights and filled with signature cocktails as much as ever before. But all trends must come and go.
Enter: Succulents. Until now, they’ve mostly existed on Instagram either in a photo taken directly overhead, or in front of a white backdrop with a “#simplicity” caption. But now, they’ll be everywhere. Table arrangements? Check. Bar decorum? Yep. Wedding favors? That’s when you know you’re ballin’. Hell, you might even see them in Mason jars if your friend is especially terrible.
But pardon me, I’ve gotta go buy some new cufflinks. .
Image via Shutterstock
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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I don’t even know what a succulent is. PGP
Succulents are great. Wife did a Pinterest-inspired succulent DIY last weekend and they really added a nice touch to the office. This weekend: New potted plants for the front stoop.
(Yes, this is married life in a nutshell for those of you still engaged in the chase.)
Here’s to you my man. I find myself giving input similar to this more often as my “yea so last night at the bar…” inputs slowly dwindle
Same. Apparently it’s a “fat plant” according to Wikipedia…
That’s actually not helpful at all.
They’re plants with juicy leaves. Think of aloe vera as a prime example.
You da real MVP
I want to see a revival of the “Cotton Eye Joe” at all the weddings this season
Todd read this at his cubicle and just had a full blown Scaries panic attack thinking of how many people this wedding season are going to ask when he’s proposing.
As if Todd actually works in a cubicle.
Spending all of your PTO on weddings. PGP
We are giving out personalized airplane bottles as wedding favors. And sparklers as we leave. This should end well.
The sparklers never work how you want them to.
Agreed. Buy at least twice what you think you’ll need since the first round will burn out before you even get out the door.
Succulents in your “will you be my bridemaid?” care package will become a thing
Have a lot of people had to wear a tuxe to a wedding that their not standing up in? I don’t think I’ve ever been to a wedding where someone besides the groomsman or father of the bride/groom were in tuxedos.
Had to? No. But if I have to wear a suit might as well kick it up a notch. Although I’ve only been to one wedding I wasn’t in.
Maybe. But you don’t want to be the asshole that went black tie if it’s not a black tie affair. At least I don’t.
they’re. Goddamnit.
I don’t have any weddings to go to this year. Regardless, I will *not* be wearing any pantsuits under any circumstances. Dresses always win.
Thank you. It seems a bit unfair that I have to bust out the tux, and she only has to wear a suit.
Don’t forget all the bridezillas demanding “unplugged” weddings….I’m not taking a picture, I’m checking the score.
Hey, don’t blame the bride, blame the people who inappropriately hold their phones up to snap pics. The last wedding I went to, some psycho lady was STANDING UP taking photos on her phone during the ceremony.
I just feel bad for any girl in their 20s wearing pantsuits. They immediately add 10-15 years to the wearer in both physical looks and overall demeanor (aka resting bitch faces aplenty).