======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
So for the past month or so, I’ve had the joy of dog-sitting some pretty wonderful pups. I’ve spent a few nights of watching Narcos with a dachshund that has no clue about personal space, and enjoying the company of an awesome terrier mix dubbed, “Sir Wiggley Rex Esquire The IV”, or Wriggz for short, and I’ve loved it. Seriously, Wriggz has one of the highest chill: pull ratios I’ve ever seen in any living creature. If you don’t believe me, just look at this guy.
All he needs is a doggy mimosa and flannel and you’d have a certified canine wingman.
The time spent with dogs this month really got me thinking about if I was actually ready for a dog of my own. Then, because I probably have undiagnosed ADD, my mind eventually wandered off into thinking about how dogs are literally like small furry children, except way better…
1. Your dog won’t ever complain about the Halloween costume you picked out for them.
2. You don’t mind the fact that your dog will never move out.
3. Dogs won’t die if you leave them alone unattended for five hours.
4. You’ll never hear a dog cry about what he’s having for dinner.
5. Dogs will never talk back about taking family photos.
6. Your dog will never throw a temper tantrum if they don’t get a new toy from Petco.
7. It’s 100% socially acceptable to get hammered with your dog.
8. You will never be forced watch The Wiggles, Frozen, or The Kardashians with a dog.
9. You won’t have to stop drinking for nine months to get a dog, ladies.
10. A dog will NEVER complain about you getting stoned and watching Rick and Morty.
11. I’ve never heard of a dog murdering their owner for the inheritance money.
12. Even though they may bark, a dog will never yell inappropriate words like, “Bukake” and mortify anyone within earshot.
13. It’s not appropriate to train children to flush birds, attack criminals, or sniff out bombs.
14. Dogs won’t get drunk and act like a huge douche over some bacon jalapeño Mac and Cheese.
15. Your dog wouldn’t follow up that performance with a half-assed apology video where the whole Internet will scrutinize you for an awful home décor choice.
16. A dog would never steal your car at age 16 to go out joy riding.
17. Dogs will never use up all of your data plan.
18. I’ve never once heard of a dog cock-blocking someone.
19. You won’t ever hear a dog say, “I’m tireeedddddddd” cry then make you carry them on your back for three miles while hiking.
20. A dog will always loyally and courageously take the blame for a nasty fart.
21. More importantly the dog will never blame a loud fart on you.
22. You will never have an awkward parent teacher conference about inappropriate classroom behavior.
23. The dog will never bring home a group of their asshole friends that try to steal your beer.
24. Your dog will never be embarrassed when you tell horrible dad-jokes. Doggone it puns are funny! Nothing? Ruff crowd, looks like I barked up the wrong tree.
25. Dogs will love you unconditionally, you will never have a falling out with your dog and end up not speaking for years. Even if you do yell at them, at most they’ll sulk for a day before begging for food while you eat.
Sorry kids, but dogs are way cooler than you.
If you are looking to adopt a dog, please check out the following links below. Odds are there’s some pup out there you’ll love in need of a good home. If you’re willing to bring one in I can promise you that a dog may occasionally chew a shoe or poop in the house, but they’ll never let you down..
Operation Paws for Homes, American Kennel Club, Hearts United For Animals
Respond
PostGradShibby
Same old Shibbster. Founder of #MargLife and the blumpkin beer craze. ShibbyTFM@Gmail.com
@DrShibby
I wrote a list article, bring on the haters.
Lists are acceptable on Tuesdays. As long as your name isn’t Kendra.
I haven’t seen her name on anything in a while….
Looks like she hasn’t posted in two weeks. Maybe she finally read the comments on her columns.
Young man, we talked about this.
A dog wouldn’t write a list and disappoint you….
Coming Soon: Kendra’s list about the 24 reasons girls age 24 should buy a cat
brb teaching my nephew the word Bukake
Dog gone good post.
I adopted two pit mixes. People are surprised that they are so well behaved because pitbulls are “mean”. Keep on rockin in the free world shibbs.
#YesAllDogs
via GIPHY
I want a pit mix but I’m weary because a lot of apartment complexes won’t allow them. Maybe later in life…
They are part lab so they become “labs”
Oh you tricky son of a bitch
Mine dog is all “boxer”
MEIN DOG
My*
1/2 Chocolate lab here (actually), has some pit I think but looks mostly like a lab puppy, less the ears, fully grown.
Honestly though, I’m not going near one of those jacked pit bulls that looks like it would rip my arm off or my dog apart.
Find a somewhat questionable doctor to write you a letter allowing you to have a dog for some sort of disability, it can be anything really. You can then it anywhere and no one can say a word.
I believe they are called emotion support animals and it’s legit
Easily some of the friendliest dogs. I was in the process of adopting one and my apartment was bought by a new management company who decided to bend me over a barrel and show me the 50 states
You’ve never had the deal sealed when your golden retriever wants to join the party and red rockets your unsuspecting broad?
Good list. However, with #1: They may not complain, but they will definitely stare at you with a mixture of judgment and puppy dog eyes until the costume comes off.
I have two French Bulldogs. I am also a teacher. I can affirm that dog children are 1000x more enjoyable and satisfying than real children. Dogs don’t require you to leave work to conference with their teachers because they are being little shits at school. Dogs don’t turn into middle schoolers. Not to say that my pups don’t have their moments, but I would take a fur kid over a real kid every day. Sorry mom