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Toddddddd. This is MISERABLE. I mean, who has a bachelorette party in SEASIDE? Oh, cool, Megan. Some Maid of Honor you are. It’s like she thought to herself, “I’m going to plan this in a location where all of us have to fly into some bumfuck airport only to have to take a 45-minute cab ride to our pastel-colored shanty a mile away from the coast.” Like, yeah, Megan, I really wanted to spend a million dollars on a flight before spending another $100 on a cab. Cool. Miss you.
Friday, 5:30 p.m.
We just got to the house. Guess what? It’s adorbs. It’s Megan’s grandparent’s and they even left us a fully-stocked bar with a TON of champagne. I’m already on my second glass. Oops. #sobad
Friday, 6:55 p.m.
We’re about to go to Bud And Alley’s for dinner because OF COURSE Megan has an itinerary for every step of the trip planned down to the freaking minute. Like, have some chill.
Friday, 8:01 p.m.
I feel like such a slob. I just spilled a Rum Runner all over my dress. At least Megan made us all wear black for dinner tonight while Katie wears white. She looks SO skinny and SO good. Ugh. I want to be her.
Friday, 9:30 p.m.
OMG. Katie is SO drunk. She’s not eating because of the wedding and she just had two Painkillers. All she wants to do is talk to Finn right now but we stole her phone so she can’t. Lolololol. Luckily I can talk to you allllll niiiiiiiiight. *Kiss Emoji*
Friday, 10:03 p.m.
TODD
Friday, 10:04 p.m.
WHERE
Friday, 10:05 p.m.
ARE
Friday, 10:06 p.m.
YOU
Friday, 10:10 p.m.
Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize you were out to dinner. We are all hamskied so we’re going back to the house to get our champs on.
Friday, 11:03 p.m.
Baaaaaaaabe, I’m going to bed. Katie stopped drinking after dinner because #skinny and I’m just sooooo boooooored. I wish we were together instead of me being stuck in a house with all these girls. The only one I like rn is Victoria. We’re in bed together in bathrobes listening to T. Swift. Hahahahahahahaha
Saturday, 7:55 a.m.
Ermahgerd. So. Hung. Over.
Saturday, 7:56 a.m.
Ughhhhhhhhh. Fucking Megan scheduled a Ride For The Bride spin class for 8 o’clock today. Like, who even does that? This is going to be the worst thing on the planet.
Saturday, 9:35 a.m.
That was soooooooo fun. I’m totes making you do a ride class when I get back to the city. What are you doing today?
Saturday, 10:50 a.m.
Okaaaaaaay, we are heading to the beach. The custom plastic roadie cups I made are a HIT! #PreBrideInSeaside Love you, talk soon.
Saturday, 1:20 p.m.
*Beach photo of tan legs on a towel facing the shore*
Hot dogs or legs? Jk, they’re my legs. I’m going to be SO tan for you when I get back. *Wink Emoji*
Saturday, 2:21 p.m.
Caroline is such a bitch. Like, we ALL wanted to Instagram the group photo we just took and she did it from HER phone without sending it to ANY of us. Whatevs. My photo of us in front of the sunset tonight is going to get all the likes.
Saturday, 4:56 p.m.
Alright, I’m napping. ~dreaming of you~
Saturday, 5:01 p.m.
Ugh, I can’t sleep. I’m going to clean up the place with Alex before the lingerie shower tonight. It’s gonna be cray.
Saturday, 7:20 p.m.
Omgz, we’re such sluts. I can’t believe everything Katie just got. Finn is IN for it on their honeymoon. Hahahahaha
Saturday, 7:43 p.m.
Alright, baby, we’re walking down for the sunset. *Sunset Emoji* Talk sooooooooooooooooon.
Saturday, 8:31 p.m.
Quick, I need to filter and caption this before these other betches do. I’m thinking I’ll do “Bachelorette In Paradise #PreBrideInSeaside #LoveTheseBitches #SoFun” and then geotag simply “Seaside” because like, everyone knows it’s in Florida so I don’t think it actually needs to SAY “Florida,” you know? IDK. Just like it immediately, k?
Saturday, 10:20 p.m.
Toddddddddddddddddddddd. What are you doing? We just got done with dinner and Seaside is boring AF. All Caroline, Megan, Alex, and I want to do is go out but like everywhere is closed or just filled with old retired people. Miss you.
Saturday, 10:42 p.m.
What are you doinggg? Are you with Jeff? Ugh, you’re totally with Jeff. Just behave and text me when you get home, okay?
Saturday, 11:50 p.m.
Niiiiiiiight.
Sunday, 9:01 a.m.
Morning, baby. Miss you. We are cleaning up here and then heading to the airport. We take off at like 1:15 so I should be home around 5. Can you pick me up from the airport? Pleeeeease?
Sunday, 1:10 p.m.
I’m so hungover and tired. To drink on the plane or not to drink on the plane?
Sunday, 1:11 p.m.
Alright, taking off! Our stupid plane doesn’t have wifi so we can’t text. Seeeee you sooooooooooon!
Sunday, 5:10 p.m.
Todd. Where are you. You were supposed to pick me up. This is NOT amusing.
Sunday, 5:13 p.m.
Whatever. I don’t want to hear it. I’ll just take an Uber. Talk to you never. Hope you had fun with Jeff watching the game. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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I swear you stole a girl’s phone for this it is that accurate. I’m worn out after reading that.
Guess ole Todd finally ended it. His life that is.
The following is me at 9:36 on Saturday:
Todd with the classic ghosting.
Bravo DeFries on another great column in this series.
Take a drink when…
-She hashtags in a text message
-Unnecessarily uses the work “Like”
-Uses an abbreviation
-Adds extra, unnecessary letters (ie Soooonnnn)
-References instagram
Also, does Todd ever text back or is this just an animated conversation with herself?
I’m fully convinced that Todd partook in the drinking game you described and promptly passed out around the third text of the day and never recovered.
Atta boy Todd. It’s all about the D.E.N.N.I.S. system.
I get PTSD style flashbacks every time I read one of these…
Things Todd does after graduation: Gets a job, Prays for death
This story has to be based on an ex-girlfriend because there’s no way it can be this accurate without past experiences
My only suggestion: the drunk texts were a little too grammatically correct. Otherwise, looking forward to “Things Do After Graduation: Take a Break”
*Girls, fuck
yea they do…
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