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I recently discovered that I work with absolute madmen. Don’t ask me how any of this came up in normal conversation, but it did. It’s all 100 percent real, because I would never pull a fast one on y’all like that. Feel free to tell me that I’m the nut job for not subscribing to any of these, but I’m pretty sure I’m not.
This guy sits down in the shower ALL THE TIME.
This is the most little kid thing of all time. More little kid than dropping your pants around your ankles to pee.
It started a few years back when I was in Cancun. I was so hungover that I, as many do, sat down in the shower. It was great. So great that I do it every time I shower. No, not just when I’m hungover. Unless I’m at the gym, I sit down in the shower every morning. Indian style.
I happen to know this individual psychopath well, so this revelation really caught me off guard. Most people have, at some point, felt shitty enough to sit down in the shower. It happens to me every time I try to leave New Orleans. But when it happens, I don’t feel good about it. And the fact that his position of choice is Indian style just makes this far more absurd. How does he even feel completely clean?
This dude gets completely nude to poop.
So you’re telling me that I could conceivably be taking my mid-mo’ deuce next to a naked dude just chilling in the handicap stall? This story actually came from a former coworker in his forties. Makes sense, because this is old man as hell:
I’ve done this as long as I can remember. Unless I’m in a port-a-potty, I remove all clothing before doing my business. I do, however, leave my socks on because that’s gross. I actually think it’s weird that everyone doesn’t do this. The cuffs of your slacks are going to touch the floor around the toilet, and that’s just revolting. Not to mention your shirt will get wrinkled, or worse, it could touch the seat.
There’s a lot to digest here. First of all, this is going to add between 3 and 5 minutes to your trip. Shoes, slacks, underwear, shirt, and maybe an undershirt. What an absolute beating.
I’m very cautious of germs, but if there really are particles of filth floating around, I’d probably want my clothing to shield them from my bare skin. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.
Multiple people brush their teeth in the shower.
I debated on not even including this because I was told that I was a weirdo for not doing this by at least 2 people. Apparently, there’s a vibrant community of people that think it’s perfectly normal to bring that Colgate 360 Toothbrush into the shower with them. I’ve even seen toothbrushes disgustingly laid in a soap dish in the shower. Savage.
By all accounts, the rationale for doing this is to save time, but are you really saving that much time? Seems like you’re wasting water, too. My theory is that these people are actually so disgusted with themselves that they can’t even stand the sight of their stupid faces in the mirror. Weirdos.
A guy that sits down to pee.
Swear to God I’m not making any of these up. There’s a guy/total psychopath in my office that sits every time he urinates. You may be thinking, “What a lazy fuck,” but that’s actually not the case. This dude’s reasoning is as follows:
The men’s room is a gross place. If you look down when you pee at the urinal, you’ll notice how the tile is darker around the urinal. That’s because there’s splash back. It gets on your clothes, too. I think you are the weirdo for walking around with pee all over your clothes. Yeah, I sit down and check Twitter real quick every time I pee.
I’m not a big fan of sitting on a public seat, so there’s no way I’d consider any method that required me to do that. Even if I am getting the occasional ocean spray back on my slacks when I pee (which I’m not, because I’m not a dumb ass who doesn’t know how to urinate), it still wouldn’t be worth it to me.
There you go. Real people doing weird things. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go take my second shower of the day. #TeamTwoShowers .
Image via Shutterstock
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Dave
Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.
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Dude, I told you that stuff in confidence, man.
I didn’t tell the “zero wipes, zero fucks” story.
That’s Steve Holt I heard.
I do the first one and the second. Sitting in the shower is as close as I am ever getting to meditating. Letting the water wash over you, while you alternate thinking weird things and peeing on yourself, is one of the most relaxing things that a person can experience. The Indian style thing is weird though.
Similarly pooping naked is the shit (pun intended). When at my home it’s an absolute necessity. I try to spend as much of my life as naked as possible, why would I not extend that to my poops? Doing it in public is a lot like sex without a condom. Sure it is risky, but I know I’m going to have way more fun without it short term.
I do understand that these may be weird. To each his own.
I sit down to pee in the morning because in the words of deFries’ notorious post-grad girl I “can’t even,” but every other time I’m usually a normal male and stand up.
I’m a sit down in the shower every morning kind of guy. Also sit down to take the first pee of the day, it’s a great time to check the phone before I sit down in the shower.
Barring an emergency, I refuse to shit at home on weekdays. If I can get paid to shit at work, god knows I’m not shitting at home for free
These people must be related to those people who wear t-shirts in the water.
My dorm in college was a handicap suite and had a fold down chair in the shower. Definitely put it to good use the morning after a rager.
Sitting under the shower is the closest I’ll get to meditating under a waterfall after my master has been killed and I’m planning my epic kung fu showdown fight scene where I avenge him. Just let me have this.
Brushing your teeth in the shower is less about saving time and more about spending as much time relaxing in hot water as possible.
Plus not worrying about cleaning toothpaste residue out of your sink. Brushing your teeth over the sink is further aggravated if you use the same one for shaving.
If you can’t spit into the drain you must have less teeth than a below average West Virginian.
Sitting down in the shower is relaxing AF. It’s like a sauna.