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The other day, I cut out of work early to play golf with my friends. We play the local municipal dirt track courses to drink beer, be away from our wives and girlfriends, and play 10-handicap golf. I’m not the best, I’m not the worst.
So as I was leaving, the resident office Debbie Downer made sure to question where I was going. My “Just heading out to play some golf” was met with the snarkiest remark a coworker can drop on someone, “Must be nice to go home so early.”
This made my blood boil. I have no problem with a warranted and well done passive aggressive statement. My issue with this is twofold: One, we have a lot of liberty in the workplace, and I get all my work that is required of me done way before deadline. Two, maybe if she didn’t stop at McDonalds every morning to get her McCoffee and McBreakfast, her McBitch Ass would be here earlier, and she too could leave early.
One of the downsides in working in an office full of middle-aged women is that the day lives and dies by passive aggression. People form cliques and tribes, and people only associate with their kind. For example, everyone had to cease having any form of “flair” on their dry erase board because people would write stuff on other people’s, or they would put up too much “flair” it became distracting. Someone complained and had to ruin it for everyone but honestly, who cares.
After countless workplace sensitivity trainings, sexual harassment seminars, and customer service spiels, I know the only safe option is to go to work, do my job, and go home. I often spend my time wondering why everyone else can’t do the same. I enjoy the people I regularly work with and stick with them due to the fact we have an unspoken no bullshit clause. Everything is out in the open, but when we have full staff meetings, the crazies come out to play, and by “play” I mean complain. Ever have those kids in your class that ask questions in the last five minutes just to hear themselves talk? Replace that with bitching and passive aggressive remarks that include the verbiage “some people” and “to whom it may concern,” and you have a staff meeting that consists mostly people 40. Get over yourself.
There are times that passive aggression is warranted and necessary. In a politically correct world, it is often difficult to navigate the waters of letting people know they done fucked up or disrespected you. Someone in the men’s bathroom has been peeing all over the floor recently, getting piss on unsuspecting people’s pants so much so that a sign went up, calling out the perpetrator. It has since been taken down, but sometimes every workplace needs a Batman to stand up for the little guy.
Rather than confront people over their disdain for the other’s existence, they take on Cold Wars with each other. Everyone bitches about everyone, and nothing ever gets done about it.
McBitch is severely OCD about the push pins in the break room. People (me) know this and mess with her, changing the color scheme of whatever smiley face design is next to the microwave, messing up the alignment of the dark blue smile with one aqua. Take that, Carol! Teaches you to question my love of #munigolf. I guess I’m not any better.
Clowns to the left of me and jokers to the right. .
Image via YouTube
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Madoff
I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.
@BLMInvestment
“Here I am, stuck in the middle cubicle with you.”
They played this song damn near everyday at my middle school over the intercom
They used to play “Respect” by Aretha Franklin during my middle school morning announcements. Four years of that song. No one should have to listen to something 700 times unless they are terrorists.
Fuck that bitch. Seriously. MYOB and life gets a lot better.
In times like that, I like to give her the old “Do the letters FO mean anything to you?”
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I wish I could repost this…they’re my Facebook friends, now. I remember when I could post cool sh#t. Must be nice….
Ok.
Lost it at “McBitch.” Well done.
It’s like you work in my office…..
In my experience, the office bitch is usually the most corrupt when it comes to bribes. The easiest way to get her over on your good side is to bring in donuts every Friday, always get what she likes, and then let her have the first pass over. From now on, a bona fide psycho has your back.