8 Ways To Lose Your Job At The Company Holiday Party

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The company Christmas party is a great way to see a side of your coworkers you’ve never seen before. As the egg nog flows, you might learn all about Bill from accounting’s phenomenal break-dancing moves, or Kathy from HR’s spot-on Miss Swan impersonation, or Dom the warehouse guy’s mind-blowing card trick.

Unfortunately, the same amount of nog can rear its ugly head, bringing out someone’s less than admirable qualities. As it turns out, Bill gets a little handsy when he’s had a few, Kathy thinks wine pairs best with a gram of cocaine, and Dom has been making more than just the ace of spades disappear (better hide your laptop).

London-based employment law solicitors, Thomas Mansfield and company, understandably see a spike in workplace misconduct this time of year. To keep you from getting canned over the holidays, the group put together a nifty guide showcasing the most common of office party offenses. They also provided helpful visuals using dolls. Take notes, keep your job, and have a merry Christmas.

1. Doing Drugs

You’ve been trapped in a conversation with Becky about her dumbass kids for 10 minutes, and you’re about one story away from grabbing the toothpicks from the cheese cube plate and jamming them into your eardrums. You need something to take the edge off. You glance at your work buddy, give him an upwards head nod, and tap your finger on the side of your nose. Not subtle enough, friend. Weed isn’t much safer. Downing the entire plate of cookies and laughing loudly at Becky’s story about her kid’s bed-wetting troubles will raise eyebrows. Keep it classy — just pop a few Xanax before the party starts.

2. Sexual Harassment

Holding mistletoe over an attractive coworker’s head is not a good call. Neither is asking Kathy, who is carrying a large, wrapped present for the boss, if she wants help with her box. Also, if you’re wearing a santa hat, don’t ask girls to sit on your lap.

3. Being Drunk The Next Day

Let’s say you have work the morning after the Christmas party. That’s a pretty dastardly move on the boss man’s part, but you’re going to have to deal. Refrain from drinking so much that you’re still hammered at the break of dawn. If you’ve been going hard for that many hours, it’s bound to culminate in something worthy of getting the boot, like passing out on your keyboard, vomiting on the Keurig, or flinging the copy machine through the air in a display of physical dominance.

4. Fighting

Rick is a piece of shit. He always stands right next to your cubicle and talks loudly on the phone, constantly boasts about how busy he is, and stinks up the office every lunch break with that godawful cat fish TV dinner thing he puts in the microwave. When you tell a funny joke at the Christmas party, he overhears, then repeats it to a larger audience later in the night. Your hatred boils to the surface. All you want to do is punch him in the throat. Don’t do it. Your superiors will be forced to get rid of one of you, and “his lunch smells bad” won’t hold up as a defense.

5. Inappropriate Use Of Social Media

Those of you with itchy thumbs and a tendency to overshare should keep your phones in your pockets at the Christmas party. Say your boss is a rather old man with an unfortunate spray tan. Snapping a photo of him with the caption, “Mr. Jackson? Or a piece of burnt foreskin?” seems hilarious when you’re drunk at the office party. It is. But it’ll also leave you jobless by New Year’s.

6. Stalking A Colleague

I don’t even know how to relate this one to you guys. I guess stalking coworkers is a frequent problem? Just look at their Instagram photos like a normal creep.

7. Stealing

Sticky fingers is a surprisingly common side-effect of drinking, and the office is rife with opportunities, especially when people aren’t paying close attention. Lock, stow, and store your shit before the festivities begin.

8. Bullying A Colleague

Miranda has the face of a rodent. Her fuzzy gray sweater and the way she’s nibbling on Ritz crackers isn’t helping matters. It’s hilarious and you’re dying to point it out to someone. Don’t. Miranda will rat you out (lol) to human resources, and a few good belly laughs won’t make up for the lack of salary to splurge on day-after-Christmas sales. Play nice, kids..

Image via Thomas Mansfield

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Alex Buscemi