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I don’t have a whole lot of personal relationship goals. Cool with bizarre comedy like The Eric Andre Show, not grossed out by feet, chill with dogs. It’s a low maintenance list for the most part.
There is one thing on my future main squeeze must-haves that has proven to be very difficult to find. I’m a big day drinker – mimosas and St. Germain run through my veins at this point. And I would do anything to find a cute dude who can rock a beanie with a mom who is super stoked to make sangria at 11:45 a.m. with me.
The following are some of the network (and cable) matrons who made me realize that a mom who is DOWN is hard to find and something to aspire to have in your life… and to eventually be in your future after you’re done popping out some rugrats and building your beautiful lake home.
1. Colleen Donaghy – 30 Rock
You just know Colleen would absolutely be downing whiskey in the morning and coming up with borderline inappropriate nicknames for all of the waitstaff at whatever country club you followed her inside of. She’d give you a lot of shit for wearing something from Free People that made you look like a “dirty hippy who needs a shower” but would still order round after round after round. Colleen would drink you under the table, and you’d absolutely leave said country club wearing one of her fabulous flapper hats.
2. Bunny McDougall – Sex and the City
Bunny McDougall is the only woman I would break my “only red, no white wine” rule for. Especially because a nice Riesling on private estate while chain smoking Virginia Slims and watching the garden boys trim the hedges sounds like a perfect way to spend a summer afternoon. The only downside of drinking with a broad like Bunny is there is no room for getting sloppy or drinking anything under the equivalent of a Yelp $$$. So your affinity for Fireball shots and a tallboy on the boat? Kiss it goodbye.
3. Joanne McGuire – Lizzie McGuire
Joanne would need to you teach her how to properly throw back a shot after she mistakenly sipped that Red Headed Slut you made her. She would get the drunk-red-face and giggle at you like a freshman in college who’s still really into the fact that she can drink without getting in trouble. Before you know it, she’s changing Pandora to the Celine Dion station and singing slightly off-key to Taking Chances while also admitting that her youngest kid was an accident that almost didn’t happen. Awkward…
4. Kitty Foreman – That ’70s Show
Kitty would be one and done. Not because she’d be wasted but because she’d need to make sure you were okay. After her one spritzer she would become totally focused on making sure you were drinking water between each cocktail and would practically force feed you a sandwich to “get a base down, honey!!!” Kitty is the mom who would come pick you up from the pier because you were too drunk to drive back to the cabin. No judgment, just maternal instinct with homemade Chex Mix!
5. Roseanne Conner – Roseanne
Drinking with Roseanne would basically be like drinking with a one woman frat. She’d start the day with a subtle Bailey’s in the coffee, follow it up with brass monkeys while yelling at John Goodman from a riding lawn mower, and then would finish the afternoon by solidly kicking your ass in the shot gunning contest all before your main man comes back with whatever you’re going to grill that night. Roseanne would be the badass, slightly off color drinking buddy you always wanted but that caused a two day hangover.
6. Lisa Landry – Sister, Sister
Remember the “Woo Girls!!!” from How I Met Your Mother? Lisa Landry is the original “Woo Girl” but in sequins and shoulder pads. One minute the two of you would be sipping on kamikazes, the next you’d be swinging glowsticks over your head in a gay club. You’d probably have to peel her out of a cage at some point and make sure she kept her top on. Hey, as long as she let you borrow one of the sequined jackets it’d be totally worth it.
7. Jordan Sullivan – Scrubs
It would take at least three drinks to get over your fear about drinking with Jordan – and each sip of the way she’d be giving you shit for it. Where some of the other moms are adorably rude and condescending Jordan knows how to cut some people to the core – including you. She’d point out your every insecurity and you’d want to cry into your beer but you would NOT be able to because she’d boo you out of the bar. You would never be totally sure that Jordan liked you but at least by getting day wasted with her and holding her hair back after she threw back another G&T you know she’ll tolerate you as long as you’re around.
8. Lucille Bluth – Arrested Development
Any woman who takes a side of toast with her vodka tonic is a woman who you should want to slam drinks with from sun up until sun down when she inevitably is still bopping along to Billie Holiday, and you are passed out on the couch. Lucille Bluth is amazing. The suits, the side eye, the alcohol tolerance. She is everything to aspire to drink with and to be..
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