8 Reasons I Should Be Single

8 Reasons I Should Be Single

Today, while talking to my roommate about our upcoming weekend plans, I got asked a question that I’ve been asked too many times in my life. After explaining that I’m driving to Columbus to cheer my girlfriend on while she runs the marathon and meet her family, I divulged that I had made a poster to hold while she ran past. My roommate, with a surprised look on his face, told me that was a great gesture and would surely win some brownie points with the parents. Then he saw the poster. Apparently a “Run faster, my arms are getting tired!” sign is not technically “supportive,” and he turned to me and half-jokingly asked something I’ve heard many times before. “Dude, why is she with you?” I still can’t answer that question, but I can give you plenty of reasons for why she shouldn’t be.

1. For our first date, I took her to a bar that was had a $3 you-call-it special.
Her very first impression of me, outside of my killer Hinge bio, was that 1.) I could not afford to pay for drinks and 2.) was going to get plastered on this date. She was right on both counts. Thankfully, instead of bailing, she committed to the shitshow and ended up leaving her car outside the bar and having to Uber to it before work the next morning. Clearly a keeper.

2. I went on a ten-minute drunken tirade against her hometown/state.
Granted, the Penguins had just beaten the Sharks in our first Stanley Cup appearance ever, so I’m not sure what she expected when she picked me up from the bar. It may have been over-the-top to call everyone in Pennsylvania an “inbred Appalachian meth dealer,” but I was pretty heartbroken.

3. I have flat out refused to go to a pumpkin patch/farm with her this fall.
I know she really wants to pick out the perfect pumpkin (read: take the perfect “candid” Instagram) and drink apple cider (read: take an artsy picture of our cider mugs with orange leaves in the background), but I’m not having it. It’s cold, I’m not a child celebrating Halloween, and I have no use for a giant squash that will inevitably rot on my front porch for the next two months. Also, Sundays are my day off, so I will be going nowhere without the NFL Network and Bud Heavies until the Patriots have a bye week.

4. I wear gym clothes 90 percent of the time.
Nikes, gym shorts, joggers, and a dri-fit shirt. All day, every day. This is really just a product of my environment, and I won’t feel bad about it. My days are spent in class, driving delivery van for one of my jobs, or lifting kegs at my other one. I’m not trying to look good – I’m trying to be comfortable and not rip my only pair of jeans at work. Realistically, if she (or any of you) had the opportunity to wear comfy clothes all day, that’s exactly what you’d do. When we go out however, I do put on the one nice button down I own and some jeans. That’s how to compromise in a relationship.

5. I never wait for her to keep watching a show we’re both into on Netflix.
I love the girl, but there is no force on earth that can stop me from hitting that next episode button when I’m hooked on a show. I watched all six seasons of Entourage in a week to catch up in time to see the movie. When she falls asleep midway through an episode (because she wakes up three hours before I do), there’s no way I’m going to stop the episode and wait two days to resume it.

6. I’ve set such a low bar on sharing my food that when I do, she looks at me like I bought her flowers.
To quote Joey Tribbiani, “Joey Nick doesn’t share food!” If she wants some fries, she better order some because I have exactly the amount I want to eat on my plate. This isn’t Lady and the Tramp, and there’s nothing romantic about me being hungry because she wants to “have a little bite.” Plus, when she’s having a rough day, all I have to do is offer her some of my plate and it’ll mean so much more. The lower the bar, the better the relationship.

7. I’m the little spoon more often than she is.
Look, it’s just more comfortable. I’m sure some people are going to hate on this, but at least they won’t be able to comment because they can’t feel their fingers from having it trapped under a girl’s head for an hour. I like having blood flow to my extremities and as much as Garnier Fructis smells good, I don’t want to eat her hair. I’m going to turn on my side and sleep, and if she wants to big spoon me, that’s cool with me too.

8. I refuse to give into the bullshit that is “sweater season.”
Sweaters suck. They’re uncomfortable, chunky, and make everyone look fat. I’m not going to wear sweaters to “look cute with her” because I don’t want to feel like a giant sweaty plush toy, and I’m not going to pretend that I love sweaters. I understand that it’s a stylish option when it’s cold, but that doesn’t mean it’s an attractive look. Obviously, if she asks me if she looks good in them I’ll say yes, though. I don’t have a death wish, and she does manage to look good in anything.

If anyone has any idea why I’ve managed to stay in my relationship, let me know, because I can’t figure it out. After writing this column, I realize it could easily have the alternate title “Reasons My Girlfriend Is A Saint.”

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Nick Arcadia

The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice:

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