7 Wedding Gifts That I’m Not Allowed To Register For

7 Wedding Gifts That I'm Not Allowed To Register For

It’s honestly difficult for me to describe how big of a beating the registering process can be. In theory, it should be awesome selecting items that you and your soon-to-be wife will need, but in practice, it’s basically you pretending that you have any interest in choosing between the Lismore Lace Gold or the Padova five-piece set. Does anyone even know what that means? Oh, and heaven forbid you register for something that might be “tacky,” or “in bad taste because of the absurd price tag.” Call me crazy, but I’m all about registering for items that we’ll actually use more than once. I know it’s such a blast for couples to walk around Pottery Barn with the little scanner gun, but I prefer to keep things simple. Here’s a few reasonable requests that I was unfortunately prevented from putting on my registry.

1. GoPro, Drone, both probably

Remember growing up when your old man was always right there with that bulky camera documenting your first steps, tee ball games, and you nut-kicking your little brother on Christmas morning after he opened your TMNT Party Wagon? Me too. Unfortunately, and it’s not dad’s fault, something was missing. What, you may ask? Oh, I dunno, how about sick aerial shots and badass first person views. When the time comes for us to have a family, how the hell are we supposed to document all of our children’s milestones without the latest and greatest technology? Imagine my future son, Aikman, with a GoPro strapped to him during his first soccer game. You have to think there’ll be some supremely awesome shots of those kids running around aimlessly. Or, look at it this way: All of other kids will just laugh if I’m having to stand there on the sideline of a 3-year-old’s soccer game with some ancient Hitachi camera on my shoulder.

Is that really what you want? Go ahead and punch me in the Johnson on my wedding day, because you’re basically saying “fuck you” to my future family.

2. Vitamix

It’s the 2Pac of blenders, and I honestly don’t know why I’m having to fight for this because it seems pretty evident that we need it. Part of taking care of my bride for the rest of my life is making sure that we have the ability to make power smoothies without worrying about our spare blender from Bed Bath & Beyond burning out. Antioxidants, nutrients, vitamins, amino acids, and protein are all going to be part of this deal. If I can’t drop a fucking pineapple in my blender without worrying about the blades locking up, then what am I even doing here?

Oh, so you don’t care about our overall health and wellbeing? You may as well just slap me in the face on my wedding day, because it’s basically the same thing.

3. New Clubs

It’s no secret, but I’m trying to go low every time I hit the course. I’m not dropping $50, plus whatever I spend on Bloody Marys, to go out there and aim for the center of the green on every hole. Nah, I’m locating that back-right pin that’s unfairly protected by bunkers and a creek, and I’m going for it. Will I push it out to the right and completely tank my round? I dunno, it remains to be seen whether one of my allegedly good friends cares about me enough to pick me up some new sticks (I’m thinking Callaway XR series).

I know what you’re thinking: How does this benefit the two of you? Great question, “friend.” You see, I pretty much think about golf all day long while I’m in the office. It’s gotten to the point where I’m getting called out for taking air swings in men’s room mirror. Not that I give a damn, but people are noticing. So if I go out with my Sunday group with my current inferior irons, I’m probably not going low, and if I do, it’s not as low as I need to go. I hate playing bad, and I really hate playing bad when it’s 102 outside (#Texas). I guess if you want me to be in a shitty mood all day when I get home, then that’s fine. I’m sure my wife will really appreciate that. Some friend you are.

4. Mavs Season Tickets

Absurd, right? Would me running into Mark Cuban on an elevator and pitching an app idea that I’ve been holding onto for a couple months now be absurd? What if he invited me on Shark Tank, and I dominated and charmed the entire country? Yeah, exactly. Dirk only has a couple years left, and I’m going to probably end up cold and depressed after he retires unless I can watch him ride off into the sunset in person.

Attention guests: unless you want to see your boy circling the drain in a couple years, make this happen. Two seats, lower bowl, and 10 rows back, please. I need to be sure that Dirk can hear me when I cheer him on and invite him out for drinks after the game.

5. Hair Transplant Surgery

I know you said, “It doesn’t even look bad,” but trust me, it’s not far from it. My dad is bald, both grandfathers were bald, and every uncle on both sides is bald as fuck. We know how this story ends. I know deep down you’re just thinking that I’m trying to attract younger babes, but I assure you that is not the case. If I’m supposed to do high-level business, I either need a power slick-back or a rad combover. What I’m working with now is passable, but the last thing I need is to notice those power alleys slipping back the morning of a client meeting. How do you expect me to “crush it,” “kill it,” or “nail it” if I’m rocking a Manu Ginobili?

Hey guests, if you truly cared about us, you’d sack-up and make the purchase. I’m going to be in like five of your weddings in the next year, and you don’t want me up there looking like Big Ern McCracken on your big day.

6. Green Egg

It’s the alpha of all the grills. Sure, they’re a little pricey, but you immediately become a grill god after your first successful pork shoulder all day smoke session. You can even do pizza on there, and young couples absolutely love making pizza together on a Sunday night. Wouldn’t you rather me spend my time making top-tier meals shirtless outside, soaking in a killer tan, than slouched on the couch, rocking a craft beer buzz, yelling at Kenny Albert for ruining this Rangers-Twins matinee? Thought so.

Okay, so we live in an apartment and grills are explicitly prohibited? I say, come and take it. Make the purchase and let me worry about that.

7. Testosterone Replacement Therapy

Seems like a no-brainer to me. I often find myself feeling fatigued and lacking energy during the week, and my muscle mass at age 30 doesn’t compare to what it was during my years as an under achieving high school golfer. I’m not necessarily trying to get jacked, but I’d prefer to have my chest whispered about for something other than the unfortunately long nipple hairs. The sex drive is still there, but it’s kind of an all or nothing thing, in an Adam Dunn kinda way. I mean, it’s sufficient now, but we have to plan for the future. Big picture.

This gift is so much more than a gift, it’s an investment into my/our future. Don’t be a dick.

Image via YouTube

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Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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