6 Ways To Actually Get (And Keep) A Boyfriend

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The amount of girls and grown women alike whining about not having a boyfriend on social media, or telling everyone, repeatedly, that they don’t want one, is mind-boggling to say the least. It seriously can’t be that hard, can it? I know this is a humor site, so I should make some joke about this, but come on, people. Social relationships are literally in our nature. I think it would take more effort to NOT find a relationship if you wanted one.

If you’re a girl and don’t want a boyfriend, or don’t need a boyfriend, or aren’t even interested in guys, then spare me the nonsensical comments, because this column isn’t for you. I don’t need to hear arguments about how you’re “strong and independent” or how you’re “just living life and having fun” as if you couldn’t do or be either of those while in a relationship as well. If you think dating someone ruins your personal strength or fun, you’re doing it wrong anyhow.

For everyone else, though, listen up. This concept isn’t that difficult and I’ll have you batting 1.000 soon enough. Oh and if you don’t know what “batting 1.000” means, look it up before you even read this. Learning sports sayings is the prologue, and after this, you won’t need to toss up any more Hail Mary’s.

1. Drop the bitterness.

Oh, your friend got engaged? Oh, your friend is happy with her boyfriend? Oh, your friend lost weight? That’s terrific. By the definition of “friend,” you should be happy for her. In no way does their happiness or significant life moment have anything to do with you, however, so stop making it about you. Who would want to date someone who takes the success of someone close to them and turns it into a pity party of resentment? No one else cares that you’re drinking alone with your cat either, least of all a potential guy who isn’t going to want someone around who will only make him miserable. Literally no one cares. You’re alone, remember?

2. Stop looking and be interesting instead.

Desperate girls say one thing to guys and that one thing is as far from “long term partner” as possible. No guy wants to be the person you settle for anyhow. Find some new hobbies or activities outside of watching The Bachelor, and you’ll be amazed by how many guys you meet. Go to a church group. Go wine or whiskey tasting instead of hitting the typical dive bar. Go to a sporting event. Go to a coffee shop. Go to a show. When you focus your efforts on yourself, you will inevitably run into people who are impressed with them. No, it’s not as focused as thinking of all of the guys you know and weighing the pros and cons of marrying them to your friends while none of them even know you’re interested, but it’s a lot more effective.

3. Find someone like you.

People always say that if you look for guys at bars, all you’ll find are fellow drunks, but if going out and drinking until last call is what you’re into, that’s exactly the kind of guy you should find. Opposites may attract, but similarities are what keep people together. If you’re a bookworm who likes to read on a Friday night instead of party, find a guy who’s into that. If you’re outdoorsy, find a guy who is too. If you’re a gym rat, you should have your pick. Why do people in the last 3 categories force themselves into “date” situations that would only be fun for the first type and then wonder why they’re unsuccessful? Find someone who you’re similar to and do things that you both like to do.

4. Don’t date a friend, but date someone you could be friends with.

Dating someone you’ve been friends with can be bad for all sorts of reasons, even though it has been known to work every now and then, but it’s incredibly important to date someone who you could be friends with. After all, the difference between a hookup and a relationship is that the two of you do more than just have sex and eat food together. When you’re actually dating, you need to be able to function as human beings outside of hooking up and going to dinner, so you’re going to need some common interests and personalities that get along. If you’ve been listening, you already found someone who you have common interests with, but it’s amazing how many girls end up with guys who fit some sort of preconceived notion of what they’re “looking for” job-wise or looks-wise and completely forget what a relationship really is. Yes, the romance and attraction need to be there and need to be strong, but the friendship needs to be also.

5. Treat him how he wants to be treated, not how you think he wants you to treat him.

There is often this hilarious disconnect between dating people and married people alike, where one person thinks they’re being the perfect mate and the other feels like they’re not getting enough love. Then, the first person gets upset that the second is “unappreciative” while the second looks at the first like they’re insane for thinking they do anything nice in the first place. Why is this? It’s because people need and recognize kindness and love in different ways. It works both ways, but we’ll focus on guys. Some guys want kind gifts, like a new sweater or a new video game. Some guys want kind actions, like doing the dishes or an unexpected blowjob. Some guys want physical touch, others want nice words, others want quality time, and most people are a combination of some of the above. Point is, if your guy thinks love is you telling him how much you love him and doing his chores every now and then to surprise him, it doesn’t matter how many things you buy him or how much time you spend together if those aren’t the things he values. Stop projecting how you identify love onto him and figure out how he sees it.

6. Forget arbitrary “rules” and timelines.

It’s time to stop playing games. Take the “third date rule” and any other timeline-based relationship “rule” and throw it out the window immediately. You’re an adult, and there is absolutely no reason to have to wait X amount of dates, days, or months until you kiss, have sex with, say “I love you,” move in with, or marry someone you’re with. It is absurdly stupid way to define a relationship that has no base in reality. It doesn’t matter if you hook up before the first date or after marriage, wait two years to say “I love you” or two weeks, or get married after one year or 10. Going into a relationship with a preconceived timeline is certain to annoy the hell out of whatever guy you’re dating and chances are he won’t even know the rationale behind your adherence to arbitrary rules he doesn’t even know. Guess what? There isn’t one. Just go with whatever feels right. Oh, and we’re about a decade past when dating someone you met online was taboo. We use the internet for fun, for money, for staying in touch with friends, for knowledge, and for finding jobs, so why not for finding a partner? The idea that you can only date those who live in the same ten-mile radius as you is older than your parents.

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RogerSterlingJr

I used to write for TFM and PGP when they were funny.

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