======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
“IF I COULD TUUUUUUUUURN BACK TIME, IF I COULD FINDDDDDDDDDD A WAYYYYYY!”
Everyone has blunders in their life; things they wish they could redo. I’m not a stranger to making a few boners in my time. Unfortunately, there are no save points that we can reload to rectify past missteps. Part of life is making mistakes and hopefully learning a valuable lesson at the end of the day. Kenny Chesney even wrote a song aptly titled “A Lot of Things Different.”
Sometimes, we don’t make the right choice in life. Ask anyone and I’m sure they have a laundry list of things they’d do differently. Some people wish they would have told someone they love them more often. Others, invest in Michaelsoft. I bet Hitler’s nurse wishes she could have had a few minutes alone with a pillow. While there are no do-overs or time machines of which I’m aware, with the 20/20 lens of hindsight, there are a few things in my life that, if given the chance to ruin the space-time continuum and change them, I would grab that bull by the horns and do so:
Sued The Person That Hit Me With A Car
When I was around 12, I was riding my sweet Mongoose bike back from a friend’s house one day. Our neighborhood was straight out of Pleasantville, so I generally thought I was safe. As I was riding my bike, I saw a car coming around the corner. I pulled over and put my tire against the curb, but the young lady hit me with her car and almost went over the sidewalk. Looking back, I should have sued her for every dollar she had as I would be living on a beach somewhere sipping on mojitos. Or at least not in student loan debt. My parents were the “we don’t sue” kind of people, even though she ruined my bike and my right ankle clicks when I walk up stairs.
Stopped Going To Church
My argument to my parents was, “If God is everywhere, why do I have to get dressed up and go sit in some building for 45 minutes?” As good Catholics, my parents always went to our guy Father Ray as he did Mass in under 30 minutes. But I wasted a lot of weekends spacing out at church. I even got a job to avoid going at one point. My parents’ rules were once you get confirmed, you can do what you want. That was the last time I went to church. At this point, I was (and still am) morally bankrupt, so I’m just posturing for a better seat in Hell.
Studied Harder In High School
My AP English teacher, Mrs. Rodriguez, told me I was bright but lazy and that I had the worst case of Senioritis she had ever seen. While her diagnosis wasn’t wrong, I still remember that to this day. Instead of sitting in on the easier classes and taking vocab quizzes, I decided to take all AP courses but fuck around. “A”s in college prep courses look way better than “B-“s and “C”s in AP courses. I’d have gone to the same school but gotten a better scholastic package, as my brother got like 10k a year to go where I went. Ironically, the only scholarships I got were from the church because I volunteered 500 hours of my time helping people at CCD.
Picked A Better Major
My dad always told me, “Get a government job: It’s a tit that never runs out of milk.” He then told me about NJ cops making 100k after 10 years with a sweet pension. All I’d have to do was write high school kids tickets for 25 years and I could retire. I later realized that I didn’t want that lifestyle and that my Criminology and German degrees were pretty much useless. The only time I even use my German degree is to teach people swear words in German and on crossword puzzles. At least I went to grad school and gained 25 lbs, so I have that going for me which is nice.
Not Dated My First Girlfriend
A lot of people say you can learn something from every relationship. I’m not here to debate that, but the only thing I learned from my first girlfriend was, “Do not date her.” My first girlfriend was one of those, “Wow, a girl paid attention to me” things. She also ended up finding some other guy who, in turn, gave her herpes. Before our final falling out, she called me to her apartment to say goodbye and to let me know that not only is the dude she tried to get with dating a 15-year-old, but that she had also contracted herpes. Unrelated, though; she said the herpes was not from him, but rather from a toilet seat. While I was born at night, it was not last night. She even showed me her ailment, which is an image I cannot unsee. Oh, and her mother was married four times. My therapist thinks that in a few years, I’ll be okay. Lesson learned: Do not date the first person that shows interest in you.
I’m sure Cher wishes she could turn back time to tell Sonny to avoid hittin’ some trees just as I’m sure we could’ve all done life a bit better. Responses to mistakes make the man or woman; the only productive thing you can do is learn and move on. Dwelling on shit that happened years ago while you’re cringing yourself to sleep is a fruitless endeavor. Shoulda, coulda, woulda, but it makes the stories all that much more fun..